The Republican Debate

[H2O Man]

(A) Junior Varsity

Rick Sanitarium
Opie Taylor’s cousin
Christian zealot
Rejected by his community

Bobby Jindel
Scarecrow puppet
Of Barney Fife
Self-loathing

George Pataki
Greased rubber face
Utter contempt for
Little Ricky

Lindsey Graham
Scowling lollipop
National insecurity expert
Licking Nixon’s liver


(AA) Varsity

Jeb Bush
Maytag head
Dispensing plastic lies
The lonely repairman
Of the broken party

Chris Christie
Sopranos wanna-be
Flower of the toxic gutter
Tony Galento reincarnate
Hoping to deck the champ

Carly Fiorina
Eating toe dough bread
Her own enemies list
Dripping from her lips

John Kasich
Attempting to separate
From the pack
By sounding rational

Ben Carson
Trying to join the pack
Failing
Way out of place

Ted Cruz
Illegitimate spawn of
Senator Joseph McCarthy
Wrenched neck from
Licking Trump’s behind

Rand Paul
Steel wool poodle
muted on the sideline
Barking at shadows

Mike Huckabee
Anti-Christ
In Santa suit
Self-righteous sun head room

Scott Walker
Empty suit
Empty mind
Empty campaign

Marco Rubio
Pre-fight jitters
Sweat rag forehead
Water gulping guppy

Donald Trump
Scrawny tawny lion
Playing with the cubs
For the circus

Rick Perry
His best performance to date

[a kennedy]

1. my favorite:

Scott Walker
Empty suit
Empty mind
Empty campaign

[H2O Man]

13. He reminded me

of a 3rd grader in a school play, trying to remember his lines. His emotional range goes from zero to zero in no time at all.

[Greybnk48]

39. He's so lackluster and dull

that it's hard to know what to say about him. He's a big nothing.

[Mass]

2. You forgot to grade CNN.

Worse than Fox News.

[yuiyoshida]

5. Watching CNN you could have watched it with

A Fox News score card,and it would appear exactly the same. Just uh...different letters.

[H2O Man]

15. How so?

I think that Fox set the bar pretty low .....in what ways do you think CNN was worse? (I'm not disagreeing; I suppose I was so stunned by the candidates' utter nonsense that I wasn't focusing on the quality of CNN. Thanks!)

[Greybnk48]

40. Absolutely nothing they said was challenged.

Nothing. Not even the claim that Planned Parenthood harvested brains from a live baby! FFS.

Fiorina: the legs kicking, the intact "fully formed fetus," the heart beating, the remarks about having to "harvest its brain" — are pure fiction.

http://thehill.com/policy/healthcare/251651-video-by-anti-abortion-group-used-photo-of-stillborn-baby-not-aborted-fetus

[H2O Man]

42. Good points.

Thank you.

[marions ghost]

3. ha ha

great summary of the characters at the (mad hatters) tea party.

[H2O Man]

17. Thank you.

All credit due to Guinness. I thought that if I consumed a large enough quantity, I might be able to understand what they were attempting to communicate. It did make it funnier than the first debate, if nothing else.

[malaise]

4. Brilliant

Off to the greatest page for you

[H2O Man]

18. Thank you!

While I am opposed to torture, I had an image flash through my mind last night, of Dick Cheney being restrained in a chair -- like in "A Clockwork Orange" -- and forced to watch the debate, over and over again, until he repented his evil ways.

[KingCharlemagne]

6. you really, REALLY, should not post this stuff during morning coffee hour. Some of the

funniest shit I have read recently. Like some dystopian haiku. You had me from 'Maytag head' :ROFL:

[H2O Man]

20. I apologize.

I should have anticipated this, since there were several times that I choked on Guinness while watching the circus. I am thankful, however, that I was not doing LSD-25 while staring in utter amazement at Jeb's head.

[marions ghost]

22. --!

[H2O Man]

50. Many years ago,

I remember watching "The Honeymooners" late one night. For some reason or another, I was convinced that Ralph's head was larger than the tv I was watching.

[FSogol]

7. LOL, good point on Perry. He really stood out last night.

No major "oops" from him.

[H2O Man]

21. I suspect that the

contributions to Perry's late campaign may start now. Surely, he came off looking better than the rest of the pack.

[FSogol]

23. He tried glasses, maybe he should take up carrying around philosphy and chemistry textbooks.

[H2O Man]

49. Ha!

I almost felt sorry for him, when he began to don the glasses. It was so weak. Pathetic, really. And probably someone got paid for coming up with the glasses, in order to change his image.

[panader0]

8. Hilarious

I'm saving this.

[H2O Man]

24. Thanks!

There was a time when I taped virtually every political debate that I could. I honestly believe that the OP provides a more accurate record of what the American public endured last night, than a tape/DVD of the tragic event.

[NRaleighLiberal]

9. For those (like me) who didn't watch it - this is the perfect summary. Thanks!

You saved the best two lines for your last!

[H2O Man]

26. I watched CNN

from 6 to 11:30 pm/est. After it ended, I kept asking myself why I had wasted those hours of my life? I literally wrestle with myself -- mentally, of course -- when a republican debate airs on tv.

I do believe that my distilled version is better than the actual event.

[cyberswede]

10. Right on! nt

[H2O Man]

27. Thank you.

[Zorra]

11. Never seen them, never heard them speak, but at least now I get

why people watch these tragically damaged people debate.

Scarecrow Puppet of Barney Fife? Steel Wool Poodle?

[H2O Man]

28. You have now officially

seen and heard them through the eyes and ears of H2O Man!

[Octafish]

12. Scrawny Tawny Lion ha!

You don't think...? Nah. Couldn't be kabuki.

[H2O Man]

29. There you go!

Strange days, indeed!

[spanone]

14. bwahahahahaaaa K&R....

[H2O Man]

30. Thanks!

[spanone]

32. insightful post!!!

[H2O Man]

51. I wrote the

first draft of it while watching the debates. I won't go so far as to say that it made it all worthwhile, but it was an outlet.

[hamsterjill]

16. Ted Cruz is just painful (and I do mean PAINFUL!) to listen to.

Deviated septum or what? Whiney ass nasal voice is like fingers on a chalkboard to me.

[H2O Man]

31. In my opinion,

he is the most repulsive of the lot.

[malthaussen]

36. I agree.

It's a close race, but Mr Cruz leads the pack in sheer repulsiveness.

-- Mal

[L. Coyote]

19. Quick Sex Ed Lesson For Tonight's GOP Debate Candidates - See more at: https://www.plannedparenthood

https://www.plannedparenthoodaction.org/elections-politics/blog/quick-sex-ed-lesson-tonights-gop-debate-candidates/

[H2O Man]

33. Thank you.

I appreciate you providing that link!

[Laura PourMeADrink]

25. what the heck is "toe dough bread" ?? And what about Jeb's

lazy eye? Hate to make fun of a physical deformity - but can't he get that fixed? It is so distracting.

[H2O Man]

34. Good questions.

(1) Toe-dough bread is considered a delicacy among certain republicans. The name is their mis-pronunciation of "Toto," the adorable dog from the Wizard of Oz, which republicans hate to this day. They prefer it dipped in the yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye, that John Lennon sang of.

(2) In Jeb's case, it is not actually a defect. It is actually considered by evolutionary scientists as proof that he is 50% reptilian.

[AlbertCat]

37. They prefer it dipped in the yellow matter custard, dripping from a dead dog's eye,

Well, all they say IS

goo goo ga joob

[H2O Man]

52. Semolina pilchard climbing

up the Eiffel Tower has a sale on them yesterday.

[malthaussen]

60. Don't forget about "toe jam football"

Say what you want, those boys had a thing about feet.

-- Mal

[malthaussen]

35. Now do it in haiku.

Last edited Thu Sep 17, 2015, 02:13 PM - Edit history (1)

I always knew you had the soul of a poet, H2O man.

Here, I'll offer a summary:

Feckless children
Stand drowning in their own drool.
Election season.

-- Mal

[CaliforniaPeggy]

43. GREAT summary, my dear malthaussen!

You have the soul of a poet too, as does H20 Man.

[H2O Man]

45. Well done!

Thanks for that.

(I have wrote poetry for many years. I have over 40 years' worth accumulated, but for the most part, don't show it to other people. In the 1990s, I wrote a lot of lyrics for my neighbor and his band. They recorded songs that they made the music, and I contributed the words. I wish that I was talented in that area. In recent times, my older daughter and I have done the lyrics to a few songs she & her friends play. It's so fun for me, though I recognize she is truly gifted, and includes me because we have such a good time working together.)

[Moral Compass]

38. Well done!

[H2O Man]

46. Thank you!

[Filibuster Harry]

41. I really thought that Donald Trump was going to say something

to one or many of the candidates to the effect of Rick Perry is smarter than you because he dropped out.

[H2O Man]

47. That would have

been perfect! If he had thought of it, I suspect he would have used it on Rand Paul.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

44. My dear H20 Man!

These are wonderful, and so spot on!

I didn't watch the "debate" and now I'm so glad I didn't.

[H2O Man]

48. Thank you, my Friend!

After watching it, I thought it would be less painful to pull my own teeth out with a pair of pliers. Why did I force myself to watch it? To quote Hamlet, "That is the question."

It was fun, however, to discuss it with a number of friends and associates today. Even a registered republican, who was at a public meeting I just attended, said that she could not in good conscience vote for any of them.

[livetohike]

53. Thanks for the laugh H2O Man. I am visualizing you performing

this in a coffeehouse complete with bongos 😊.

[H2O Man]

54. Thank you.

Might this coffeehouse have a strobe light, for the total effect?

[livetohike]

55. Great addition. Maybe a black light with posters for all the candidates.

Definitely candles on all the tables 😊.

[malthaussen]

56. And a cloud of secondary smoke...

... which may not be great for the lungs, but will definitely get you high.

-- Mal

[H2O Man]

57. Through the fog

of my memory, I hear the voices of Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison -- on old bootlegs -- suggesting that the audience share with the singer.

(I also have those two, with Johnny Winters, in a NYC night club, where Jim has had a bit too much to drink.)

[malthaussen]

58. I wrote a terrible poem about it:

Positively Rain Blowin’ on Fourth Avenue
(With apologies to Mr Zimmerman)


Mumblin’ grumblin’ words that make no sense,
I can’t help it if you all are dense.
Are you stressed about current events?
Have a hit, then you won’t feel so tense.

I’m a poet, everybody knows.
Even if you think my lyric blows.
Maybe it will put you in a doze.
Every high is followed by its lows.

So what if my words aren’t finely-honed?
If I had a message, I’d have phoned.
I don’t care if you think my mind has roamed
Just as long as everyone gets stoned.

I just want the stupid words to rhyme
Just as long as it does not take much time.
These words are the message that is mine:
Have a toke, and then you’ll feel fine.

You might think this song’s some kind of joke.
Sounds like country-western, but it’s folk.
Well, I can barely think with all this smoke.
Guess I’ll have myself another toke.

Hope you liked this Bobby Dylan song.
If you did, you can always sing along.
I don’t care if you get the words all wrong.
Now, would someone please pass me the bong?


(I have an awful fondness for lampooning what I love)

-- Mal

[H2O Man]

59. Very good!