The Truth Is -Chris Christie

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Christie on truth serum: Five things he should say in Tuesday's speech | Editorial

http://www.nj.com/opinion/index.ssf/2016/01/christie_on_truth_serum_five_things_he_should_say.html#incart_river_index

One thing is certain about Gov. Chris Christie's big speech Tuesday: We are not his real audience. New Hampshire is.

And that means he will say New Jersey is in great shape, as we gag on our lunches.

It also means he won't propose the kind of bipartisan compromise that's needed to start making repairs. The Republican base wants a fire-breather this year, not a guy who cuts deals with Jersey Democrats. So until Christie's dreams are snuffed out for good, we are stuck.

Still, we can dream. So let's pretend that we could inject Christie with truth serum. Here's a list of five things we'd love to hear him say:

1. "Let's stop playing games: We need to raise the gas tax. This isn't about ideology; it's about math. The transportation trust fund will spend its last dime in about six months.

"I've played every game I could to put this off. I grabbed $3 billion that was set aside for a new Hudson River tunnel. I raised tolls and fares to the point of cruelty. I cut operating aid to NJ Transit by 90 percent. And still, we're broke!

"Let's face, we haven't raised the gas tax in 26 years, it's among the nation's lowest, and even the Chamber of Commerce agrees a tax hike is needed to prevent this broken down transit system from damaging the economy even more."

2. "I blew it on pension reform. I banked on brisk economic growth to save the day, and it didn't happen. In fact, despite the 2011 reform, the hole is growing deeper. That's why those disloyal creeps on Wall Street have downgraded our credit a record nine times.

"So here's a deal: You Democrats need to help me scale back health benefits for public workers, which are still way out of line. In return, I'll sign the damn millionaire's tax.

"It's a start. And who has a better idea?"

3. "Let's make a deal to cut public spending by, say, $2 billion a year. I know you Democrats hate that, so here's my offer: We'll find ways to do this in ways that don't land on the poor, given the sharply rising poverty I've been ignoring. Maybe we can make both conservatives and liberals happy that way.

"And come on, we still have plenty of fat to cut. Cops are still retiring with huge jackpots for their unused sick-time. Overlapping governments are stuffed with patronage. And yes, the tax credits I've been awarding to businesses have skyrocketed to nearly $7 billion since I took office. We can't afford any of this."

4. "Maybe it's this truth serum, but let's face it: New Jersey has a ferocious housing crisis, with the nation's second highest rate of foreclosures. And it's no wonder. Housing costs take up a much bigger bite of incomes here than in other states: We are third place among owners, and sixth place among renters.

"I admit it; all I've done is ignore the problem. I even tried to grab money that had been set aside for affordable housing, and would have snagged it if the Supreme Court hadn't slapped my hand."

5. "Ok, now I'm really on a roll, this honesty thing feels great. So another reality check: Jersey hates me at this point. Forget about my lousy approval rating; 76 percent say I care more about myself than about doing my job. I guess leaving the state 72 percent of the days last years was a bit over the top. And 59 percent want me to quit this job! What am I, Richard Nixon?

"That brings me to my final point today: I quit. You all hate me, and let's face it; I don't really give a damn about you!

"Maybe I should move to New Hampshire. People up there don't have a clue about what a mess I've made in Jersey. It would be like living in a witness protection program.

"So good-bye, Jersey, and good luck. If only the Cowboys made the playoffs this year, I know exactly where I'd be headed. And what's my friend's name again? Oh, yeah King Jerry Jones. No wait, it's King Abdullah, or King Hussein, something like that.

"Why do I feel so dizzy? What's in this serum? Wait, why is Mary Pat looking so horrified in the front row? Did I just tell a secret?"

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