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B Calm

(28,762 posts)
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 08:17 AM Mar 2016



Here's one for you.

Yesterday I was at Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Necco, the Wonder Dog,
which weighs 191 lbs. (The dog, not the bag.)  I was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked
if I had a dog.

      What did she think I had, an elephant?

      So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her
      that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I
      added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital
      last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in
      an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my
      orifices and IVs in both arms.

      I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way
      that it works is, to load your jacket pockets with Purina Nuggets
      and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food
      is nutritionally complete so it works well, and I was going to
      try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone
      in line was now enthralled with my story.)

      Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog
      food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant
      and a car hit me.

      I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

      Costco won't let me shop there anymore.
      Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the
      time in the world to think of crazy things to say.

67 replies = new reply since forum marked as read
Highlight: NoneDon't highlight anything 5 newestHighlight 5 most recent replies
RETIREE'S LAST TRIP TO COSTCO (Original Post) B Calm Mar 2016 OP
Freaking malaise Mar 2016 #1
I used to have a nutty roomate who ate (just tiny amounts of) dog food too. Baobab Mar 2016 #40
I know folks who have eaten dog food malaise Mar 2016 #51
I love your story. SamKnause Mar 2016 #2
I think Locrian Mar 2016 #4
He probably shouldn't have chewed up items on the lower shelves. surrealAmerican Mar 2016 #12
He didn't mention 2naSalit Mar 2016 #19
Peed! rufus dog Mar 2016 #38
"Are you seriously banned from Costco?" left-of-center2012 Mar 2016 #25
haha.... RazBerryBeret Mar 2016 #3
Thanks for the chuckles! Quite a visual...I Frustratedlady Mar 2016 #5
I've seen this one before cannabis_flower Mar 2016 #6
Bon Appetit! cureautismnow Mar 2016 #7
I think you mean "Bone Appetit"! spooky3 Mar 2016 #34
Pinboy3niner better watch out! 3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #53
Why, thank you! spooky3 Mar 2016 #54
You are most welcome. 3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #56
Poor little guy. But it is great of you to care for so many rescues. spooky3 Mar 2016 #57
If I weren't married, I'd... 3catwoman3 Mar 2016 #58
Might as well bury it ay home and call it "bone appetite" 2naSalit Mar 2016 #55
Thanks for sharing that ! DashOneBravo Mar 2016 #8
Stories like that are exactly why edgineered Mar 2016 #9
LOL! Plucketeer Mar 2016 #10
Gotta love it! cprise Mar 2016 #11
Sure, you got better Cirque du So-What Mar 2016 #13
Saw this a couple of weeks ago, but it was Walmart 1939 Mar 2016 #14
I laughed so hard heaven05 Mar 2016 #15
Ba-dump, psh!!! Iggo Mar 2016 #16
Costco thinks that laughter is bad for business and employee morale? Hmm. . . nt Bernardo de La Paz Mar 2016 #17
it's a joke.... truebluegreen Mar 2016 #18
I know. I also know I'm not as good at making jokes Bernardo de La Paz Mar 2016 #20
oh, ok truebluegreen Mar 2016 #22
Thanks, folks - I'll be here all week! klook Mar 2016 #21
Try the veal Fritz Walter Mar 2016 #64
Oh my. I seldom get a laugh like that. Thank you. nt SusanCalvin Mar 2016 #23
Well, did they at least refund your annual membership fee? Wounded Bear Mar 2016 #24
Very Funny noretreatnosurrender Mar 2016 #26
You don't have to be retired RoccoR5955 Mar 2016 #27
Someone after my own heart! Lol Dustlawyer Mar 2016 #28
Now that was f'ing funny SmittynMo Mar 2016 #29
I would love to have that quick of wit liberal N proud Mar 2016 #30
Kramer takes dog medicine burfman Mar 2016 #31
Wish I had witnessed that! Duval Mar 2016 #32
I have several friends who are physical anthropologists. cab67 Mar 2016 #33
I'd rather keep a few MREs in my trunk. ohnoyoudidnt Mar 2016 #47
*SNORT* ROFL kdmorris Mar 2016 #35
Current retirees should have mercy on younger folks ... nikto Mar 2016 #36
The Conservatives including the Conservative Democrats don't believe in retirement for peons. rhett o rick Mar 2016 #49
Agreed nikto Mar 2016 #67
Love it! Great one! nt No Vested Interest Mar 2016 #37
I'm still laughing! Thank you, my dear B Calm! CaliforniaPeggy Mar 2016 #39
FW: FW: Re: Re: FW: TipTok Mar 2016 #41
Woof! SoapBox Mar 2016 #42
Oh no you didn't! Silver_Witch Mar 2016 #43
Sounds like something my husband WOULD say HockeyMom Mar 2016 #44
Ha benld74 Mar 2016 #45
Old internet mail joke Liberal In Texas Mar 2016 #46
I've seen that story before, but it was either Walmart or Target. Crunchy Frog Mar 2016 #48
Ok ... that was funny! I think I hurt myself laughing! n/t ebayfool Mar 2016 #50
Really? they kicked you out / 86'ed your membership???? w0nderer Mar 2016 #52
I hate to do this, because ...well...... A HERETIC I AM Mar 2016 #61
so w0nderer Mar 2016 #66
The Counselor... PoliticAverse Mar 2016 #59
That's a hoot Tab Mar 2016 #60
Thanks davidthegnome Mar 2016 #62
Reminds me of "Why Iím not allowed in Walmart anymore" Danascot Mar 2016 #63
Heh... funny thing though: markbark Mar 2016 #65


(4,667 posts)
40. I used to have a nutty roomate who ate (just tiny amounts of) dog food too.
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 04:25 PM
Mar 2016

He did it mostly to get the dogs all worked up. For dramatic effect.

We all had dogs in that household.


(12,961 posts)
2. I love your story.
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 08:23 AM
Mar 2016

I am a bit confused.

Are you seriously banned from Costco, or is it just part of your story ?

If so, what is their reasoning for banning you ???


(1,675 posts)
7. Bon Appetit!
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 08:52 AM
Mar 2016

Great story. I would have loved to see the expression on her face when you got to the punch line.


(23,637 posts)
56. You are most welcome.
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:23 PM
Mar 2016

We had 3 cats when I first created a screen name. We had 5 until about a month ago, until our chronically ill guy (multiple problems starting in 2009, and ultimately accumulating 6 different diagnoses) crossed the Rainbow Bridge. He was not quite 12, so he had been on meds over half his life.

So, now we have 4. Ours are all rescues, too. I keep the original screen name to honor the 3 we had at the time, one of whom is still with us.


(2,101 posts)
9. Stories like that are exactly why
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 08:56 AM
Mar 2016

people that like you, love you, and that those that don't, think you're insane. Having daughters on each side of topic tells me that you are probably a master of pan face comedy and can separate the non-thinkers in three words or less.


(1,683 posts)
14. Saw this a couple of weeks ago, but it was Walmart
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:29 AM
Mar 2016

and he stopped to sniff a poodle's butt when he was hit by the car.

Bernardo de La Paz

(48,348 posts)
20. I know. I also know I'm not as good at making jokes
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:52 AM
Mar 2016

(I branched off from the line about not being allowed to shop there anymore)


(12,092 posts)
21. Thanks, folks - I'll be here all week!
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 09:55 AM
Mar 2016

...because the line is so long with people buying 30 lbs. of frozen wings, 8 bottles of wine, 14 shirts, a surfboard, 36 rolls of paper towels, etc. etc. etc.

Great joke - thank you! (Was just in a Costco yesterday myself -- a 3-hour trip!)

Wounded Bear

(58,175 posts)
24. Well, did they at least refund your annual membership fee?
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:09 AM
Mar 2016

(Hey, I got the joke. Seen it before actually, but still hilarious)


(12,471 posts)
27. You don't have to be retired
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:16 AM
Mar 2016

to say crazy things. I personally have a reputation for saying crazy things for quite some time.
Though I will be retiring in about a year, you can ask anyone who knows me if I say crazy things.
AFAIC, you gotta say crazy things, and make people laugh at them, while they think, or life isn't worth living.


(3,544 posts)
29. Now that was f'ing funny
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:31 AM
Mar 2016

Made my day.

I'm recently retired too. Since I love f'ing with people too (kinda reminds me of Betty White- Off their rockers), I'm going to start going out of my way to f with people even more.

This was a good one. I'll have to remember this. One thing for sure...... as I get older, the less I give a shit. It's all about having fun in life and with people. The gullible ones are the most fun.

liberal N proud

(60,217 posts)
30. I would love to have that quick of wit
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 10:32 AM
Mar 2016

I can be snarky, but nothing that good.

Most recently I asked the girl scouts selling cookies how many boxes of Thin Mints does it take before the start working.


(2,823 posts)
33. I have several friends who are physical anthropologists.
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 11:20 AM
Mar 2016

Some of them actually keep bags of Purina monkey chow on hand for emergencies. One even keeps a bag in the trunk of his car. They get interesting looks when they explain that they don't actually have pet monkeys. The diets of most monkeys (including the species for which the monkey chow was made, primarily macaques) are close enough to human diets that humans can live quite well on monkey chow. I've never tried it myself, so I have no idea if such a diet is desirable.

(We used to refer to cheap ramen noodles as Purina Grad Student Chow.)


rhett o rick

(55,981 posts)
49. The Conservatives including the Conservative Democrats don't believe in retirement for peons.
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 06:45 PM
Mar 2016

Sadly they don't believe in jobs for us either. I am including Clinton and Obama and their TPP and attacks on SS.


(1,937 posts)
52. Really? they kicked you out / 86'ed your membership????
Sun Mar 27, 2016, 07:32 PM
Mar 2016

The frack????

i had my co-stepdad (triad..in those days..MMF)
2 kids...running at me demanding candy in check out line, me aikidoing them to the ground/submission

only thing i saw was 2 moms going 'teach us that stuff!'

--on edit---on side note---
that was really funny!

kinda like when i asked for 4x40 pound bags of 'worlds best kitty litter' so i could make a latrine in the backyard


(24,277 posts)
61. I hate to do this, because ...well......
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 01:39 AM
Mar 2016

And an old one at that. Probably Readers Digest, circa 1967 or so.


(1,937 posts)
66. so
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 12:59 PM
Mar 2016

before i was born, in a foreign country's literature

yep never saw it before

then again people have to explain natasha and moose and i love lucy jokes too

takes time to absorb popculture


(11,093 posts)
60. That's a hoot
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 01:05 AM
Mar 2016

but really, a 191 lb dog? Gotta get that thing looked at.

Funny slice of life, tho... THanks!


(2,983 posts)
62. Thanks
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 03:34 AM
Mar 2016

Was feeling really depressed, didn't think anything could make me laugh - but your post did it. Stopped to pee on a fire hydrant... lol


(4,618 posts)
63. Reminds me of "Why Iím not allowed in Walmart anymore"
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 06:06 AM
Mar 2016

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’

And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’ One of the clerks passed out.


(1,549 posts)
65. Heh... funny thing though:
Mon Mar 28, 2016, 08:19 AM
Mar 2016

I like to go back packing in regions where you are lucky to be 10 miles from a ROAD, much less anything that could be charitably be called "civilization" I keep a pound of dry cat food in a ziplock as "just in case" survival rations. It keeps damn near forever, is nutritionally complete and, unlike a granola bar or candy, I absolutely KNOW I'm not gonna eat it unless there is no other alternative!

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