How to deal with a racist co-worker?

[nadine_mn]

Last edited Thu Sep 1, 2016, 11:38 PM - Edit history (1)

First I am asking for my husband who is not as outspoken as I am so he usually tells me after the situation was happened.

Secondly, my husband and I have no doubt she is an outright racist bigot (ahem she is an admitted Trump supporter), however the comments she has made aren't blatantly racist (to HR I am pretty sure they would say she didn't mean it "that" way). The office overall is pretty conservative.

Third, she is extremely popular in the office (no idea why) and my husband is a relatively new employee. She has already made complaints about him (his allergies can act up and he get a runny nose and has to blow it a lot - my husband has already been informed by management that this bothers her and could he go in another room at times to blow his nose).

Finally - my husband has resting asshole face. That coupled with his introverted demeanor makes it always seem like he is mad at someone. Just saying this because there is not really a way he can have a "friendly" chat with her along the lines of "you know, when you say stuff like that, you sound a little racist".

That is the background office and interpersonal politics.

Here are some of the things she has said:
When another co-worker was saying that her son lost her job to a Mexican, she responded with "he's probably an illegal" (so much wrong in that whole conversation)

She was yelling at tech support on the phone, got disconnected, called back and complained loudly "that foreigner hung up on me, but that's ok I couldn't understand him anyway"

Went on a rant today about how it is not right that Georgetown is giving "preferential treatment" to descendants of former slaves. Oh and she has a black relative who doesn't like the term African American - not sure how that came up (wtf).


Most of the things he has just overheard, the Georgetown thing was to his face. He had to walk away because he just couldn't believe it and was about to say something definitely inappropriate.

So far I have told him to document every instance - esp since most of the stuff he just overhears (it's an open floor plan and she is not soft spoken so it's not like he was trying to eavesdrop).

I have offered to come in and slap her (only kind of jokingly - as a person of Mexican ancestry the illegal crap really pissed me off), but other than that I guess he just has to wait until she says something so blatant that there can't be any "misinterpreting"?

[tonyt53]

1. Anybody that "loses" their job to a "Mexican" doesn't have much of a job anyway.

Almost always tough jobs that most white people won't do for what the pay rate is. I'd say she was lying though. Her son probably got fired.

[In_The_Wind]

5. Do you honestly feel that way?

[apcalc]

2. Document ALL of it, time date, the comment, said to who etc

Start building a case should he ever need it.....

[Javaman]

36. exactly. then drop the bomb on HR.

all of the instances mentioned are enough to have her warned. (at least here where I work)

and with enough repeated offences, she should find herself quickly on the unemployment line.

[Hortensis]

37. Exactly. Documentation, as complete and detailed

as possible so that HR is required to act. Including her behavior toward him. After all, she's already self-documented troublemaking toward him. She's on the wrong side of HR. With good documentation, even if he's the one who gets called into the office, the other person cleans out her desk.

Btw, I recommend reading about how to handle troublemakers at work. There's a ton of material from professionals and managers on line alone.

From what sounds like ongoing behavior, it's possible this person even has a disorder, or strong traits of, from the same group of class B traits most believe Trump has. People who do are not exactly rare.

[JustAnotherGen]

3. Document times and dates

Who was around and what the situation was.

Get five - especially something with Mexicans.

Go to HR and tell them that "Lets say we had an office picnic. I can't attend. My wife is of Mexican descent and it's hostile enough for me - I won't subject her to that."

They need to know - He's Documenting.



I would wait until his mid year review. If he nails it - then do it.

He gets a copy of the review.

He becomes the hardest person to fire or layoff.

Personal situation - experience: It could backfire. I couldn't pay my company to lay me off right now and I'd love to be. I won't be - because I have documentation.

[nadine_mn]

13. I told him to just start documenting everything - I am sure there is going to be

a point where she just loses it.

I cannot understand how she is well-liked... she is one of those nasty, vengeful people who gets in everyone's business. Ok that is my impression from what my husband says so who knows.

Oh sweet mother would I love the chance to say something to her face. My husband is non-confrontational unless it involves someone hurting me or the pets. Me, oooh I love a good confrontation. Probably why he is employed and I am not.

[Doodley]

4. If he does anything, he will risk being fired. She is popular. He is not. She has been there

for a long time. He has not. They listen to her complaints and take action. They are not going to listen to him. They will mark him down as a troublemaker who doesn't get on with his co-workers. He risks turning her, HR and management against him. All well and good him documenting it, but for what purpose? Do you really think he is going to come up with a long list and give it to HR or management and they will take action against her, and he will not have any comeback? He needs to either look for another job or try to ignore what she says, unless from a financial point of view, it doesn't matter if he gets the axe.

[nadine_mn]

7. We are dependent on his income and he does like his job

It is better pay than his previous job and overall he is treated much better - it is just this ridiculous woman.

That is why I have told him not to say anything because right now it's his words vs hers and no good will come of it.

[Doodley]

12. It is an at-will state. They can fire him for any reason. I suggest that he tries to build a good

relationship with her (and other colleagues). He needs to put aside his feelings for a while and move forward - try and befriend her, because she will detect his animosity to her--perhaps that is why she has already complained about him.
If he can be her friend, he may be able to ask her to tone it down without any backlash.

[LanternWaste]

11. Yes... as that's precisely what happened two months ago in my office.

"Do you really think he is going to come up with a long list and give it to HR or management and they will take action against her, and he will not have any comeback?"

Yes... as that's precisely what happened two months ago in my office. Popularity is secondary to profit. Profit is predicated in part on allowing no employee a reason to file a lawsuit against the company.

Granted, both our experience are anecdotal, but having worked hand in hand with HR departments for fifteen years, most companies take the path of least resistance, and least resistance means no lawsuits.

[JustAnotherGen]

15. Exactly

Never hurt the bottom line.

[Doodley]

18. You lost me. What is the reason for a lawsuit here?

[Dreamweaver 5.0]

6. Based on your post. He should find another job.

Life's to short to deal with that bs and it sounds by what you posted your hubby doesn't handle conflict very well.

Also ,say best case scenario your husband gets the popular worker reprimanded or fired.

Where does that leave him on the corporate pecking order and having to deal with retribution from her peers.

If it was me I would be kicking ass and taking names,consequences be damned.

Your husband doesnt sound like that type of person.

Just my opinion. Good luck with however he handles it.

[PJMcK]

10. Please read nadine's post No. 7 above

I think you'll understand that they need his income.

Sometimes, because of various circumstances, good paying jobs are hard to come by.

[Dreamweaver 5.0]

16. True...this is a tuff one.

Kind if between a rock and a hard spot.

Either be quiet, get paid and deal with it or Katy bar the doors go down fighting.

Messed up either way.

[roamer65]

34. I agree, best revenge is to find a better job.

if he does, he then should state exactly why he is leaving in the exit interview.

[PJMcK]

8. What is your intention?

It's often helpful in these extremely uncomfortable situations to try to understand what one hopes to accomplish. Do you want this cretin fired or humiliated? Or do you want to enlighten her? The actions your husband could take are influenced by that decision.

Interestingly, you wrote, "Third, she is extremely popular in the office (no idea why) and my husband is a relatively new employee." Perhaps an effective strategy would be to keep one's head down, focus on the work at hand and develop a successful relationship with the senior officials. Your husband certainly doesn't want to jeopardize his position. In time, the circumstances could provide positive alternatives.

On the other hand, you also wrote, "The office overall is pretty conservative - they just had a big fund raiser for Stuart Mills (those in Minnesota know who I mean) and it was well attended and checks coming out." Mr. Mills is loathsome. But if the company has a conservative tilt, then it's obviously risky to one's career to voice liberal viewpoints. It's easy for me to say these things because my clients are even more to the left than I am! But not everyone is in as fortunate circumstance.

Please accept my best wishes with this difficult situation. Patience is always our friend!

[nadine_mn]

19. Oh I never thought of that - the intention part

To me it is just so instinctual to confront this kind of crap head on and stomp on it. I have no problem humiliating someone (did it to a boss once at a staff meeting) for making racist or sexist comments. That may not be the best way to handle things, I know.

But realistically - she is obviously one of those people that cannot be enlightened.

So the best thing right now is for him to just work his butt off and just keep documenting and not engaging with her unless he has to, she has been kinda nasty to him since he was hired. Some of her duties were taken away and given to him to create the position he was hired for (obviously he had nothing to do with it or even know until after he was hired) and she doesn't see it as spreading work around so no one is overwhelmed and people can specialize, she sees it as a personal affront.

I think we both feel like staying quiet is condoning it...but I know it is more nuanced than that

[PJMcK]

22. Good luck!

You've proven yourself to be thoughtful and expressive through your posts.

Best wishes through a tricky sticky wicket.

[LisaL]

24. My feelings exactly.

What would he hope to accomplish?

[Warpy]

9. "I don't want to listen to that kind of crap"

is what always worked for me. Usually it was a religious coworker complaining about a gay coworker. She learned to shut up.

Shutting them up is often the best we can do.

[unblock]

17. my mother is a lawyer who has handled such cases for employees

her advice is *always* if you find another job and walk away from the problem, that's always best.

and this is an early feminist and activist speaking. she's generally not one to walk away from a righteous fight, but the employer's power and the legal process suck enough so that she doesn't recommend anyone volunteering for that kind of fight if it can be avoided.

it's only when you have no real alternative, or any other job involves a huge pay cut, e.g., that it becomes worth it to fight.


in his case, given that the hostility doesn't appear to be directed at him (and other reasons others here have mentioned), i'd have to agree.

as a practical matter, a quiet change in work locations might do make the problem go away. hey, he needs a private office because, you know, allergies, right?

[Doodley]

20. Agreed. He has no rights. She is loud and they tolerated her long before he started working

there.

[nadine_mn]

21. lol - it is a law firm (but I am sure no one sees her language as offensive)

He is in the IT department and just left one job after nearly 10 yrs and has only been here for a year.

So far, everything else about the job he likes - the work, the people, and definitely the pay has been a much needed improvement.

He tries to keep moving around the office so he isn't right near her very much.

[The empressof all]

23. Ugh....the worst..especially the more conservative ones...

I'm sorry he has to tolerate this. But as someone who has seen these kinds of issues play out through many lenses...(as line staff, management, HR and owner) without a union he really has little recourse. These kinds of issues often just drag on into either battles or he will be dismissed. I finally learned to compartmentalize as much as possible, focus on the task at hand and leave work at work. Tell him to start looking for new work...There may be something better for him. She isn't going to change and he will need to just hope she will leave or he will need to if it becomes too difficult.

[WillowTree]

35. This would depend on if this employer would allow it, of course.......

......but could he wear a headset and block out the obnoxiousness around him? I work in IT and other than when in meetings or such, we can and it's great. I don't have a problem with offensive political speech in our office, but being able to listen to music or the radio much of the day, which I do (and some others), blocks out a lot of activity and distractions around me. Just something he might ask about, anyway.

[trof]

26. OK, what is "resting asshole face"?

weird

[Dreamweaver 5.0]

27. It's the opposite of active asshole face.

Duh!

[trof]

29. Ah. Thanks.

I was confused.

[nadine_mn]

30. It's like resting bitch face but for men

See Urban Dictionary:
a person, usually a girl, who naturally looks mean when her face is expressionless, without meaning to


You know - that person who's normal expression always looks pissed

[womanofthehills]

28. There always seems to be one person who is a jerk in most workplaces

He's lucky it's not being directed toward him. If it were me, I would just ignore the person. We are surrounded by lots of stupid people and it's too time consuming to take them all on.

[ProudToBeBlueInRhody]

31. You've got a queen bee in the hive

God help your husband.

If he complains about her, guess what her first defense will be? A defense she'd laugh at in every other situation.

Good luck.

[Person 2713]

32. Earbuds

[GulfCoast66]

33. Tell him to do his job

And listen to music he likes

We do not have a right to be sheltered from views we disagree and this is not a case of harassment.

She may have crossed the line somewhat, but it is not like she is dropping the 'n' word around.

Sounds like life to me.

He could tell her to shut her pie hole. Might not work. But would stake his position.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

38. I think it is best to ignore the comments

and try to get along with the woman. He should try changing the topic of the conversation if he doesn't like where it is going. The woman's comments were not directed at your husband or another co-worker, so I don't think it would be good to report anything if he is interested in keeping his job. He is going to look like a troublemaker who can't get along with his coworkers if he reports the woman. Her comments show that she might have some racist opinions, but her comments are not threatening to anyone.