Father's Day reflection from a daughter of domestic abuse

[HockeyMom]

My Dad was an alcoholic, gambler, and abused my Mom. As she said, he came back from the War a changed man. Back in the glory days of the 50s, Vets were not given counseling. Divorce was frowned upon, and staying together "for the sake of kids" was the norm. Women had very few options in those days. I cannot believe the people who are now saying that a married man and woman are the best possible home life for children. If you are a single Mom, whether you are unmarried, divorced, or widowed, you children will grow up to be law breakers, unwed sluts, etc. No single Moms or Gay couples can raise children, they saw. Well, that just depends on the individual people. One size does not fit all.

When I was 10 years old, my Dad tried to strangle my Mom in a drunken fit. He had her on the floor. Mom was turning blue. No time for me to call 9/11. I grabbed a kitchen knife, put it to his back, telling him I would kill him if he didn't let her go. He got up, looked at me, and ran out of the house. Mom refused to press charges against him, although all the family said she should. Dad never hit her after that. However, he continued the drinking and gambling. They just went their separate ways while living in the same house. They did not talk to each other from that day on. So much for a child being in a home with a biological mother and father. Yeah, IF they are LOVING.

When I married and had a child of my own, Dad wanted to come to my home to see his Grand-Daughter. I laid down the law to him. Yes, you can, BUT do not set foot in my home, in front of my daughter, DRUNK. If you do that, you will never see either her, or me, ever again. While Dad didn't visit much, he was cold, stone, sober at my home.

Dad went rapidly downhill from his drinking. At the age of 62, he was hospitalized, and asked to see me. I went, although my husband said I shouldn't. As he was dying, Dad took my hand and said, "Please forgive a dying man for doing what I did to you, and making your childhood miserable". "I know I have never said this, but I do love you." "I am very, very sorry". We both started crying. Yes, I forgave him. He may have been a sick man, but deep down he was not an evil man.

I am now older than Dad was when he passed away. I harbor no hatred toward him. I feel very sad that things could not have been better for our lives together. Please try to work things out when your parents are alive. Don't let old hatreds haunt the rest of your life. Don't let them go to their graves without forgiveness.

Happy Fathers Dad to all the DU Dads. Love is what counts, whether you are single, married, divorced, or gay Dads.

[robinlynne]

1. Thank you for this. puts things into perspctive in a good way.

[tawadi]

2. Glad you were able to forgive him. eom

[libinnyandia]

3. My father left my mother with 5 kids and never came back. I saw him a few times before he

passed away. I thought it was better with him gone than if he had been at home abusing us. Of course if he had been a good man he would have been at home caring for his children. My uncle was more of a father figure than my dad. Years later one of my nieces said they should celebrate Uncles Day.

[HockeyMom]

6. My Grandma was a Widow

when my Mom was 6 and my Uncle 2. "It takes a Village", or extended family. Grandma had 3 brothers who became father figures to Mom and my Uncle. My Great-Uncle John was a wonderful man. As was my Uncle Sal, Mom's brother, even for me growing up. They all stepped in and helped when it was needed.

Yep, Uncle's Day sounds good to me.

[Mojorabbit]

4. .

[a kennedy]

5. I'm balling.....

ditto to Happy Fathers Day to all men....single, married, divorced, gay or straight.

[CaliforniaPeggy]

7. My dear HockeyMom...

Thank you for your story.

And yes: Love IS what counts, no matter who you are.

[siligut]

8. So glad you were able to forgive him.

Alcoholism ruins lives.

[lunatica]

9. Thanks for sharing that

I'm glad he asked you to forgive him and that you did. Your child is lucky to have you as a mom.

[pinboy3niner]

10. Beautiful post, HockeyMom

And good for you for standing up to defend your Mom!

I lost my dad when I was 15, and I've missed him ever since. He was a good Dad, and was good to my Mom. I don't think about him a lot, but sometimes...in a crowd of people...I'll catch a scent of Old Spice Aftershave...and that brings him back.

That you had a chance to have that final meeting with your Dad is wonderful--that must have really meant a lot to you. I'm happy for your having had that chance...and sorry for all those who don't.

Love & Peace,
pinboy3niner

[Odin2005]

11. OMG, I got tears in my eyes from reading that!

[HockeyMom]

12. I got a glimpse of the real man my Dad was

with my daugther, when he was sober. He would play for hours with her, rock her and lovingly feed her. He would even change her diapers. This opened my eyes to how he could be. That is one reason I forgave him. I could see that he wanted to compensate with his Grand-Daughter, how he could never be with me when he was drunk.

I am very happy that I was able to see him that way.

[kayakjohnny]

13. Your post brought a real tear to my eye. Great sentiment and good writing.

I know and believe so very much of what you've said here.

You have a good heart and I wish all the best to you.

This was a timely and wonderful post.

Thank you.

[LiberalLoner]

14. Thank you for this story. I'm bawling too.

[Tommykun]

15. Seriously made me tear up a little there

Alcoholism is one of the worst pains any family can go through. It takes a genuinely kind person and turns them into a selfish and violent beast.

I am glad you were able to forgive him for what he had done. He loved you, I'm sure, just the alcohol had washed away the father figure in him.

[DeSwiss]

16. ''Infinite unconditional love is the only truth. Everything else is illusion.'' - K&R n/t

[RainDog]

17. ...

[cali]

18. I don't know if my dad physically abused my mother

but he did me. And here's the kicker: I loved him. My mother was actually more abusive than my dad but her abuse was emotional. I grew up in a toxic home. A 1% home at that. Perfect on the outside, rotten to the very core on the inside. My dad died a dozen years ago. I did forgive him. My mother is still alive. She's 93 and imperious as ever. I have nothing to do with her and I can't see how to forgive her. I'd like to, but I just can't get there.

[mythology]

19. Forgiveness is hard when the person who needs the forgiveness won't change or ask for it

My biological dad always tried to tear me down. I stopped talking to him as a result and from what I've heard he hasn't changed. I see no reason to forgive him for what he's taken from me. I'm not actively angry at him any longer, but that's not the same thing. I can't change him so why bother to let it get to me is what I figure.

[raccoon]

32. I don't blame you. Just because you share DNA with somebody doesn't mean you have to have them in

your life.

[redqueen]

34. This.

An apology or at least an admission of wrongdoing seems to be a significant part of the equation.

[truedelphi]

38. Same situation I faced with my mom. Though

She set it up so that everyone in her inner circle, including my only sibling, heard only how much she loved me, how much she cared, ad nauseum. But if we were alone, the only thing I got from her was her put downs, her anger and need for me to "reform."

As far as forgiveness, I once just offered up the situation to the Universe. She deserves forgiveness, I know that. Her mom died when she was very small. And she was raised by a series of abusive step mothers.

But as someone whose whole life changed, due to her vile behavior, I can't do it (the whole forgiveness thing.) The very first time she threw me against the hallway walls and screamed at me that I could be put away in a mental institute before my father got home from work, (my crime: two small bobby pins in my hair) was the last peaceful day of my life.

The inner demons are there and though somewhat quieter now, they will be haunting me till I take my last breath.

[quakerboy]

41. I don't know if this has any relevance for you

but forgiveness and acceptance are, for me separate. I can forgive and remember. I will not associate with those who would abuse me. That does not mean I have to bear them any ill will or anger. I have forgiven and walked away.

[cali]

43. thank you.

I've tried to forgive my mother for myself, but I've failed. I don't have anything to do with her anymore, but I can't say I don't wish her ill will.

[Demeter]

20. My dear friend, you did what you had to do

and you did it well. Your actions were ethical, moral, and adult. You set a good example, and I congratulate you.

Go in peace, knowing that you are not only blameless, but a supremely effective person.

[mmonk]

21. Thanks.

[glinda]

22. You are able to live with yourself as a result of this and not carry it forward.

I saw my father today. We had put him in assisted living since my mom died a month and half ago. My dad is a WWII vet with undiagnosed problems and finally gave up drinking his self to death in the 80's. He still has issues but today I hugged him hard. Even while he had emotional fits at times....
I had to ask him about what happened to him in the service in order to finish forms for VA help for him. Certainly the things WWII Vets saw at such an early tender age affected them and they received little or no treatment for these issues like they do today.
My <3 is with you and I you!

[ManyShadesOf]

23. #43 Thank you Hockey Mom

Beautifully said.

[raccoon]

24. Thanks for posting. My father was a violent alcoholic too.

He died when I was a little kid.

Good for you that you were able to forgive him. I haven't gotten there yet.

[CoffeeCat]

25. That is very inspirational...

...and I think you should be applauded for your strength through the years. Look at you. You stood
up to your father when you were still living in that house. You set boundaries when you had your
own kids and you had the strength to forgive. That is big stuff. You are an amazing, resilient and
lovely person. Considering what you endured growing up, no one would fault you for making other
choices.

Big hugs and lots of admiration for wonderful you!

[Zalatix]

26. "Vets were not given counseling" I wonder if this was the real problem.

Did your father ever talk about what he went through in the war?

In any case, my condolances.

[SaB2012]

27. This!

Please try to work things out when your parents are alive. Don't let old hatreds haunt the rest of your life. Don't let them go to their graves without forgiveness.

How many people go through the rest of their lives living with regrets after their parents die? Even if reconciliation doesn't happen, at least you tried.

[malaise]

28. I've always wondered if things would be different if men were allowed to talk

and express their pain and anger. My nephew came back from Iraq a different man - war is evil.

[quakerboy]

42. I don't know how much talking would help

its my anecdotal observation that killing another human being breaks something in a persons brain. All the "training" provided to make sure they will step up to kill doesn't help either. and then the war experience, being under attack and the stresses of it just makes it all that much worse.

[lapislzi]

29. Thank you for sharing.

You gave your undeserving father a great gift, and that elevates your humanity. I went through a similar dysfunctional upbringing, and I truly understand what you went through. As angry as I had been at my parents, I forgave them before they died. Sometimes I have to remind myself of that when the anger rises again, but anger is only useful when it reminds you to do better with your own children.

Bless you.

[snot]

30. I'm glad things worked out as well as they did;

and you deserve some credit for that. It must have taken tremendous courage to stand up to him in the ways you did, for starters, and a lot of good will to give him the chances you gave him to make it right to the extent he did, which of course couldn't really make up for what he put you through; but I hope you both felt better about yourselves and your relationship because of your efforts.

[Garion_55]

31. I dont know my dad

I mean i know where he lives, we see each other every few years and have passing conversations, but he decided when i was 13 that he screwed up and really didnt want to be a dad to the 4 kids he made. so he divorced my mom, let her take care of us and occasionally sent her some child support and doesnt have much time or interest in us. Been off doing his own thing ever since. remarried twice. lots of cruises and vacations with the current wife.

Whats sad is that i cant remember any lessons he ever taught me before he bugged out so even when he was there, he wasnt there.

So my mom has been my mother and father my whole life. When my father passes I wont be sad at all nor have any regrets about not having a relationship, that was his choice thats how he wanted it im fine with it 20 years later. To me its going to be like a stranger has passed. Sad for someone I guess just not me.

[AverageJoe90]

33. I'm so sorry to hear about that.

My dad and I had a fight just this last February over an $80 phone bill, and both of us could have been badly hurt.....the sad thing is, it was actually a colossal fuck-up by the phone company. (I'm still suffering the repercussions of this to this day, and I wonder if I may be going through something similar to PTSD.)

I'm glad you were able to forgive your dad and I've done the same as well. Hope you were able to enjoy the rest of your Father's Day, HockeyMom.......

[JDPriestly]

35. +1

[libodem]

36. Thank you so much for sharing

My parents both got sober when I was in my early twenties. What a beautiful gift for their grandchildren who never saw them drink.

Both had over 30 years sober, with the AA chips to prove it.

[Tikki]

37. I had super lousy parents...super grand in-laws.

My brain goes automatically to my late father-in-law when this holiday rolls around.






Tikki

[HockeyMom]

39. Thank you to my fellow DUers

for your understanding!

[politicasista]

40. Thanks for sharing this

Very true about forgiveness.

[Javaman]

44. Right there with you...

The only time I ever heard my dad tell me he loved me was on his death bed.

My childhood was very similar to yours.

cheers and peace.

[kurtzapril4]

45. My mother was great

My dad was just "there." Not much input except for using the belt and cleaning our fingernails with a pocketknife.

We got along better as we got older. He started to develop a sense of humour. I told him I loved him once, 30 years ago. He never, ever said it. He reaped what he sowed.

One of the last things he ever did or said to me, was, on his deathbed, he kicked me out of the hospital room because "The cops are chasing you because you own too many businesses, and you are a crimal. Walk out of that door and keep walking."

I don't own any businesses. I was able to be there with him because I'm un-employed. My three half-brothers never showed up, they were too "busy." They are all retired.

He died on December 22, 2010. His 95th birthday.