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Thu May 18, 2017, 08:40 AM

Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane

Well folks, not to repeat myself, but...shit be cray.

The news continues to roll out like it was being written by John le Carré, chained to radiator in David Cronenberg's basement, subsisting entirely on moonshine and Sour Patch Kids.

Reeling from yesterday's tropical grade shit show, we were grateful to wake up to relatively little new breaking nonsense. Oh sure, the security detail of a visiting autocrat beat the living snot out of some American citizens right in Washington, and the Shart House didn't seem to mind, but shit like that isn't even gonna land on page six when you're competing with Putin and leakers and piss hookers.

The day was actually mostly quiet. TOO QUIET, you thought to yourself, terrified to say it out loud lest you conjure a push notification alerting you that our President had ordered an invasion of Portugal, because he couldn't find old episodes of Harry and the Hendersons streaming anywhere and Steve Bannon told him there were bootleg DVDs for sale in Lisbon.

The Hairplug That Ate Deceny gave the commencement speech at the U.S. Coast Guard Academy. It was kinda fun to watch him all pissy and listless, struggling to read fancy words like "scourge" off the teleprompter for a bit, but I got bored and shut it off, which means I missed the part where he started whinging like Tonya Harding about how In All of Human History Ne'er Was A Man So Cruelly Mistreated Especially By the Media Which is Fake and Also it is Unfair That My Daughter Won't Let Me Touch Her Butt, Boo Fucking Hoo. He's so fragile. He's white and tiny and fragile and he melts away when facing the tiniest bit of heat. Like a snowflake. Yeah. Hey, somebody should make that a thing, "snowflake."

We had a laugh when Shrieking Canker Sore Alex Jones lost a fight with Yogurt, and had to tell the whole world what pathetic liar he is. The courts have been super mean to Lexie of late, prolly because all judges are lizard people or cucks or perhaps even Lizard Cucks, but it sure is fun watching assholes lose, ain't it?

Further schadenfreude was dispensed when the story broke about the GOP candidate in the forthcoming Montana special election owning a stake in a company that's accused of paying off ISIS. Yes, THAT ISIS. Mike Pence is out in Montana campaigning for a dude who owns stock in a company that gave money to ISIS. Anyway, how 'bout them Mets?

Also Robert Fisher, State Rep in New Hampshire, resigned in the wake of the revelation that he founded the "Red Pill" subreddit, which is like the hair catcher in your shower, except instead of your pubes it gets clogged with dickless man-children who can't handle watching women think and talk and have jobs, while they're too busy screaming racial slurs at strangers on Xbox Live to understand why their lives aren't awesomer.

We found out Il Douche appointed Sheriff David Clarke to a high level post in the Homeland Security department, possibly because Sebastian Gorka was tired of consistently being labeled Most Evil Fuck Amongst This Cadre of Evil Fucks, because Sheriff Dave is Stone Cold Evil, famous for such smash hit singles as "Advocating Violence Against Anyone Who Disagrees With Me," "A Mentally Ill Man Died My Jail Because We Didn't Give Him Water For a Week and Without Water You Die," and the timeless "Also a Baby Died in That Same Jail Literally a Baby Because We Denied Medical Care to a Woman in Labor WE KILLED A FUCKING BABY" and this monster is the kind of fellah the Marmalade Shartcannon believes should be in the federal government. While Sheriff Dave announced how happy he was to join Team Shart, the hiring doesn't seem to be official just yet, so maybe there's hope.

And then right about Happy Hour, Rowdy Roddy Rosenstein popped up and said "Hey you guys, what've you been up to today? Did you have a nice lunch? Didja see that thing with those romper shorts things for guys? I think they're weird, but wear what you like, amiright? Oh, also I just appointed the former head of the FBI as the special counsel to investigate Shart Garfunkel and all his Russian buddies. SHIT ON MY REPUTATION, WILL YOU YOU MOLTEN SHERBERT GLOB? HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? ROSENSTEIN OUT!" and he strode away shooting his middle fingers in the direction of the oval office like they were pistols and he was a cowboy, it was actually super cute.

Robert Mueller ran the FBI for twenty years, and stood up to the unconstitutional fucks in the Bush administration and knows his shit and for an extra nut punch to the Candycorn Skidmark, is buds with Jazzy Jim Comey. Basically he's the precise mathematical nightmare scenario of a special prosecutor, if you happen to be a certain over-tanned cheap crook who shall remain nameless. Rod apparently didn't tell the President or his Loyal Huntin' Dawg Beauregard about this until he'd already signed the order, and half an hour before he told the world. 118 anonymous sources inform me that the president "Pissed himself, cried, and began sucking his thumb."

We also learned from WaPo that Paul Ryan and Kevin McCarthy and however many other congressscum were talking about how they thought Putin was paying Trump waaaaaaay back last summer when skies were blue and Presidents didn't haphazardly give state secrets to Russian spies. The real kicker was that when WaPo called these scuzzbags up for comment, they were all indignant and cocky and "What a fake gnus lie, are you serious?" until the reporters said "No there is literally an audio recording of this conversation do you want to change your bullshit story?" and they went "Ummmmmmm...would you believe we were maybe joking around as Ryan and McCarthy are renowned for the humor, dude, Paulie has a tight five on starving single mothers to death," and the world said "No, and also the fact that you'd lie about something so petty means we can cite this story any time you tell us anything for the rest of your lives at THAT, you shits, is motherfucking FUNNY."

Oh, and back when we were young and innocent, remember when Sally Yates told us that she spent the waning days of her Acting Attorney Generalship waving her arms and saying "Hey Fuckheads, that Michael Flynn jag is no damn good and works for foreign powers and has probably broken some not-insignificant laws?"

WELL, a late-breaking NYT scoop reveals that long before AAG/Super Ninja Yates gave the heads up, FUCKING FLYNN HIMSELF TOLD EVERYBODY HE WAS UNDER INVESTIGATION FOR BEING A FOREIGN AGENT AND SHARTBOY FUCKING HIRED HIM AS THE SHEEPFUCKING NATIONAL SECURITY ADVISOR ANYWAY.

Fuck. Can we impeach him for not being able to understand the entirely predictable consequences of literally anything? He's like Lennie in Of Mice and Men, only instead of crushing small animals to death, it's Democracy.

(As a fun side effect, this story seems to be the first one that snares Mike Pence in a big lie, don't fantasize about changing them Oval Office curtains just yet, you Puritan fuck.)

It also turns out that during the transition, Flynn worked to influence military decision-making in a manner that benefited Turkey, the very nation that WHOA HOW WEIRD happens to be the one that Lil' Mikey was foreign-agenting for (for half a million bucks) without telling anyone. SERENDIPITY I GUESS.

Anyway, the King of the Netherlands revealed that he has also been secretly working a side gig as an airline co-pilot for 21 years.

That's totally fucking true, by the way.

All of this is true. Sleep tight, fellow inmates in this asylum we call...America.

42 replies, 4521 views

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Replies to this discussion thread
Arrow 42 replies Author Time Post
Reply Late cuz of the hack, but holy hell the world is insane (Original post)
TheFerret May 2017 OP
underpants May 2017 #1
tblue37 May 2017 #20
central scrutinizer May 2017 #28
gldstwmn May 2017 #33
NightWatcher May 2017 #2
cry baby May 2017 #3
justiceischeap May 2017 #4
Sancho May 2017 #5
Hugin May 2017 #6
babylonsister May 2017 #7
alterfurz May 2017 #8
heaven05 May 2017 #9
flying rabbit May 2017 #10
C Moon May 2017 #11
JHan May 2017 #12
malaise May 2017 #13
MindPilot May 2017 #24
Johnny2X2X May 2017 #14
irisblue May 2017 #15
Wounded Bear May 2017 #16
orangecrush May 2017 #17
dalton99a May 2017 #18
tblue37 May 2017 #19
The Polack MSgt May 2017 #21
Kali May 2017 #22
MindPilot May 2017 #25
sheshe2 May 2017 #23
Sophiegirl May 2017 #26
Raster May 2017 #27
furtheradu May 2017 #29
eleny May 2017 #30
TheFerret May 2017 #31
notdarkyet May 2017 #35
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #39
Hekate May 2017 #32
BlancheSplanchnik May 2017 #34
nolabear May 2017 #36
panader0 May 2017 #37
SunSeeker May 2017 #38
Dem2theMax May 2017 #40
mr_lebowski May 2017 #41
cheapdate May 2017 #42

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:42 AM

1. These are some epic posts

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Response to underpants (Reply #1)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:55 AM

20. Yes, TheFerret gives the Rude Pundit some competition! nt

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Response to tblue37 (Reply #20)

Thu May 18, 2017, 04:34 PM

28. Has anybody ever seen The Ferret and the Rude Pundit at the same time?

Me neither

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Response to underpants (Reply #1)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:56 PM

33. "On a diet of moonshine

and Sour Patch kids...". I am so cribbing that one!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:44 AM

2. Happy MuellerPalooza! Great dispatch as per usual.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:48 AM

3. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:54 AM

4. This is the best roundup of (only) yesterday's news ever. mt

There is no "mt" iPhone typo I can't friggin fix

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:58 AM

5. CT #2...they took down DU simply to prevent this post...

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Response to Sancho (Reply #5)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:08 AM

6. Precisely.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:12 AM

7. Rec'd for another eye-opener!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:16 AM

8. +1000

Rude Pundit-worthy!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:17 AM

9. excellent OP

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:21 AM

10. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:31 AM

11. Wow!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:32 AM

12. "The Hairplug That Ate Decency "....

>............I'm gonna die............

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Response to JHan (Reply #12)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:37 AM

13. Delish

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Response to JHan (Reply #12)

Thu May 18, 2017, 02:32 PM

24. That's where put down the drink and rolled away from the desk.!!

Ferret's shit be epic.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:42 AM

14. Too many major stories

Yesterday alone there were at least 5 massive Trump stories that in normal times would have been big enough to dominate the news cycle for weeks. The bomb shells are dropping so fast they are diminishing each other.

Total insanity.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:46 AM

15. Kick

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:46 AM

16. I take exception to your insult...

of Art Garfunkel. Using the name (even "disguised" of one of the finest voices in American rock over the last 60 years as a descriptor of Trump is beyond the pale.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:47 AM

17. I dig your style

Carry on!





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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:48 AM

18. Beautiful.

Actually very very beautiful.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:53 AM

19. K&R. nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 12:18 PM

21. Kick and Rec.

Damn Dude/Lady

Wished I had just found ya so that I could read all the past posts for a while. It's been a pretty impressive month of Ferret post toasties

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 01:13 PM

22. Candycorn Skidmark

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Response to Kali (Reply #22)

Thu May 18, 2017, 02:36 PM

25. And "Marmalade Shartcannon"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 02:27 PM

23. Awesome!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 03:08 PM

26. K&R

Too damn funny!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 04:33 PM

27. And again...

...

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 06:13 PM

29. Thank You, Ferret!

Keep 'em coming, You know we need the REALITY CHECK!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 08:52 PM

30. And then it was time to watch The Rachel Maddow Show

k&r.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 09:10 PM

31. Thanks for the kind words, folks!

Workin' up a blog, hope to be live soon...ish!

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Response to TheFerret (Reply #31)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:12 AM

35. Epic, awesome, funny, true. Write on.

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Response to TheFerret (Reply #31)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:14 PM

39. WE ARE NOT BEING KIND, MY DEAR FERRET!

We calls 'em like we sees 'em.



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 18, 2017, 11:36 PM

32. Well now that is an awesome reprise of a very busy week in Washington

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 09:06 AM

34. Wow!! My first dose of The Ferret ...

I could get addicted!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:18 AM

36. Who the hell are you? And will you have my babies?



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:22 AM

37. Several laughs---thanks, and recommended.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 06:46 PM

38. "Candycorn Skidmark"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:42 PM

40. Late to the party, but what bliss reading this sum-up of the day's events.

Someone up-thread already mentioned "The Hairplug That Ate Decency," but I have to give it another shout-out.
I wish I could remember all the names TheFerret comes up with for our idiot-in-chief. I am howling in laughter.

Keep it up, TheFerret. Reading your posts is like having dessert, over and over and over. Delicious.



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:49 PM

41. Ferret, my man ... you are the walkin' talkin' definition of the phrase: MADE OF PURE WIN ...

You look up 'win' in the dictionary, and you come six spots before Charlie fuckin' Sheen, my dawg ... or ... wait, what the hell is a ferret anyways?

A rodent?

Well, whatever it is, it's BADASS, and as I say, clearly made up of Grade A, Prime, Bad-to-the-Bonafide WIN.

Keep On Keepin' On, Brother (or sister, or gender-ambivalent being, or whatever)!!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 09:55 PM

42. F'king brilliant!

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