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Fri May 19, 2017, 07:40 PM

On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences.

Jesus fucking Christ, the news! Gaze not into the news lest it gaze back at ye!

And Thursday was so quiet. After being stuffed in a bag and thrown into the dryer with Wednesday's news, it was almost quaint to learn a few more details about the Comey memos. "Oh, he tried to hide in the curtains, that's cute, and apparently extra amusing because he is unusually tall. I've only ever seen him sitting down, so I did not know that. Fun!"

There was also a little report that Drumpf fantasized about the day when Mike Flynn's name would be cleared, and he could return to the White House with his head held high, and they can join hands, without shame, and sell Puerto Rico to Turkey for some shiny, shiny, beads. These are...not intelligent men.

Oh, hey, and Roger Ailes died! There was a lot of scolding on the right about the tone some folks were taking in their remembrances. Me, I'm above all that. Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave.

So anyway, we rolled out of bed to push notifications about Julian Assange and Anthony Weiner and thought, "Hey, it's the two perverts that cost our Hilldawg the election isn't that a wacky coincidence I guess I'll cry for hours now, oh well at least Orange Julius Caesar didn't start a war while I was asleep."

There was a thing where the Carcinogenic Creamsicle's lawyers tried to sneak that financial disclosure letter past the feds without a signature for some reason, probably not because it becomes much more legally problematic signed, especially when it turns out 100% horseshit With Few Exceptions.

And anyway, La Grande Sharte was leaving the country today! We all fantasized about him maybe not being able to figure out how to unlock the door in one of those crazy foreign bathrooms and everybody would just come home without him, but of course that would be too easy.

Details of the trip emerged, how Donnie whined about having to do his dumb job and visit all these dumb places that don't even have golf courses he owns, how Israel wouldn't let him land his helicopter on their dumb ol' ancient monument, about how world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free World finds their local cuisine Icky and flings his plate at some Saudi Prince or Mossad agent or some shit. And we all got the embarrassment shivers upon learning that foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

(Speaking of which, didja hear that Jared Kushner negotiated a better deal for the Saudis with American firm Lockheed Martin? AMERICA FIRST!)

But then the very moment Air Force One cleared the tarmac your device of choice stood up and screamed "I HAVE FRESH MADNESS FOR YOU, MASTER!" as the latest skirmish in the Who-Can-Whale-Harder-on-Trump's-Scrotum war between NYT and WaPo hit the streets, with a truce called so each paper could focus on a single ball, as they dropped their stories at the same time.

The Gray Lady's entry was a transcript of the already-embarrassing/treasonous Shart House meeting between the President and some spies, in which the Assclown-in-Chief literally bragged to the Russians about firing Comey, and how that would take the "pressure" off the whole Russia thing, proving once and for all that a fortune teller he ain't. Worn to a nub by the impossibility and immorality of his job, Sean Spicer couldn't even be bothered to deny this, though some genius tried to spin it as a "negotiating tactic," which is sure to convince any jury, provided the jury is made up of Eric Trump and his He-Man toys.

Seriously, between this and the Lester Holt interview, it's like he's actively trying to prove obstruction of justice. Maybe Tim Russert's consciousness got stuck in his head, Being John Malkovich style, and he's trying to save us all?

Meanwhile the Post told us that the criminal investigation into Team Shart's Russia ties has reached into the President's inner circle, as an actively serving high-level advisor is now a "person of interest." Some sources are reporting this "person" is Jared Kushner, but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

Oh, and they're also investigating not only the crime, but whether there's been a cover-up. Anonymous sources tell me Jeff Sessions has sweated through 7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs since the start of his work day.

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.

And of course the polls continue their inevitable plummet to absolute zero, because Americans don't seem down with a pussy-grabbing nitwit who invites Russian spies into the White House and tells them to help themselves to the classified information buffet. HUH.

Aiming to get those numbers up, reports are that the Living Garbage Pail Kid wants to cut off key Obamacare reimbursements to insurers, a move that would blow up the insurance market, because nothing inspires love more than a guy taking away your access to health care. (ROMANCE TIP: Hey fellas, instead of flowers, try impressing your gal pal with a retrovirus!) Seriously, he thinks people will blame Obama for taking away their coverage, which makes sense when you realize he also thought he'd get bipartisan approval for firing Comey.

Throughout all this, the conservative media continues scrambling to keep their rubes hopped up on a mix of misinformation, white resentment, and NyQuil, alternating between frothy rants about the "deep state" and John Podesta killing Seth Rich in a demonic sex ritual and HEY LOOK A SQUIRREL! Seriously, Fox News is ten minutes away from planting kittens in trees so that it cover the rescue ANYTHING BUT RUSSIA SWEET JESUS ANYTHING SO WE CAN PRETEND NONE OF THIS SHIT IS REALLY HAPPENING.

Oh, and as I was writing this, CNN broke the story about the White House Counsel's office has begun researching impeachment. I'd provide commentary, but I laughed so hard I have dislocated my rib cage.

Anyway, I'm posting this early, cuz I'm going out tonight. I can't imagine I'll miss anything. Not like our Racist Dickbag President is gonna give a speech on Islam written by slighter-smarter-but-also-Racister Dickbag Stephen Miller in Saudi Arabia later or anything.

...wait, what's that? James Comey just agreed to testify publicly before the Senate? Heh. Hah hah hah. AHHHHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAH!!!!! (Ow my ribcage.)

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Arrow 76 replies Author Time Post
Reply On the day's madness, and Mr. Pence's pornography preferences. (Original post)
TheFerret May 19 OP
Leghorn21 May 19 #1
tblue37 May 19 #24
Caliman73 May 19 #2
HipChick May 19 #3
underpants May 19 #4
luvMIdog May 19 #5
lindysalsagal May 19 #6
Ptah May 19 #7
GopherGal May 20 #66
lindysalsagal May 20 #68
Jacquette May 20 #67
monmouth4 May 19 #8
malaise May 19 #9
dalton99a May 19 #10
Raster May 19 #11
Marthe48 May 19 #16
CaliforniaPeggy May 19 #12
Raster May 19 #33
CaliforniaPeggy May 19 #40
mahina May 19 #13
spooky3 May 19 #14
Marthe48 May 19 #15
diane in sf May 19 #42
yonder May 19 #47
brer cat May 19 #17
ismnotwasm May 19 #18
MindPilot May 19 #19
secondwind May 19 #20
dixiegrrrrl May 19 #21
tblue37 May 19 #22
Leghorn21 May 19 #31
First Speaker May 19 #23
mopinko May 19 #25
JHan May 19 #26
Doremus May 19 #27
MineralMan May 19 #28
Ligyron May 19 #29
Bernardo de La Paz May 19 #30
joanbarnes May 19 #32
smirkymonkey May 19 #34
democrank May 19 #35
CatWoman May 19 #36
MLAA May 19 #37
Leghorn21 May 19 #38
pnwmom May 19 #39
njhoneybadger May 19 #41
Earth Bound Misfit May 19 #43
spanone May 19 #44
calimary May 19 #45
Lochloosa May 19 #46
Dem2theMax May 20 #48
VOX May 20 #49
SunSeeker May 20 #50
MontanaMama May 20 #51
Kali May 20 #52
notdarkyet May 20 #53
JNelson6563 May 20 #54
KT2000 May 20 #55
MaeScott May 20 #56
MrScorpio May 20 #57
iamateacher May 20 #58
crim son May 20 #59
mountain grammy May 20 #60
KingCharlemagne May 20 #61
ghostsinthemachine May 20 #62
nolabear May 20 #63
brush May 20 #64
heaven05 May 20 #65
Big_K May 20 #69
NastyRiffraff May 20 #70
trof May 20 #71
niyad May 20 #72
Iggo May 20 #73
dooner May 20 #74
countryjake May 20 #75
cp May 20 #76

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:42 PM

1. HOT DAMN, I am living a perfect day!! TheFerret, in da house!!!!

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Response to Leghorn21 (Reply #1)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:25 PM

24. I know, right? nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:45 PM

2. WOW

That is all

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:48 PM

3. Ferret knocks it out the park again

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:49 PM

4. FERRET!

I love this. Your rants are sooooo well done.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:49 PM

5. It's just a bouquet of insanity isn't it ? lol

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:50 PM

6. world leaders are instructing their chefs to prepare Spaghetti-O's in case the Leader of the Free

World finds their local cuisine Icky"


Would be hysterically funny if our representative democracy hadn't just become the biggest arms dealer to the worst thugs in the world.

I wonder what fRump's cut will be? One thing is for certain, he just got richer selling untold suffering. And we're supposed to believe this is the "christian" side.

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Response to lindysalsagal (Reply #6)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:50 PM

7. but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

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Response to lindysalsagal (Reply #6)

Sat May 20, 2017, 11:43 AM

66. Leader of the Free World?

Angela Merkel doesn't seem the Spaghetti-O's type.

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Response to GopherGal (Reply #66)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:26 PM

68. Buh-dump-ba.

Nice.

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Response to lindysalsagal (Reply #6)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:17 PM

67. I have no love for Kushner AT ALL but

 

can someone explain why he's in deep shit over the Saudi sale?

I mean he's basically the middle man, the negotiator btw buyer and seller right? So why isn't the seller, Lockheed in dutch? If JK's role was illegal or questionable shouldn't Lockheed be in trouble for selling the arms in the 1st place?

I admit I know nothing re the ends,outs of intl arms dealing.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:55 PM

8. Oh Ferret, be my next husband..LOL..n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:56 PM

9. ... in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:57 PM

10. And all that in a mere 24 hours

Superb reporting, as usual

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 07:58 PM

11. "Just tell me where you're burying him so I can plan a trip to shit on his grave."

Fuck Yes!

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Response to Raster (Reply #11)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:13 PM

16. I'm going to leave a bottle of whiskey on his grave

but I'm running through my kidneys first

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:07 PM

12. You nailed it AGAIN!

Omigod!

"...while while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt!"



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Response to CaliforniaPeggy (Reply #12)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:38 PM

33. Isn't that phrasing awesome... and the visuals it inspires...

...Holier-than-thou Mike ironing his hair shirt...

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Response to Raster (Reply #33)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:56 PM

40. It IS awesome! And the visuals are hilarious!



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:08 PM

13. Hey brother.

Good to see you.

Damn fine piece, thank you.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:11 PM

14. I really hope someone is paying you to write for a living!

You're very creative!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:12 PM

15. Mark Morford- is that you?

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #15)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:16 PM

42. my thought as well :-)

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Response to Marthe48 (Reply #15)

Fri May 19, 2017, 11:52 PM

47. I'm guessing it's our latter day Will Rogers - Garrison Keillor. nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:14 PM

17. Boom goes the Ferret again.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:15 PM

18. Goddamn

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:17 PM

19. I've said it before and I'll say it again:

Ferret's shit be EPIC!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:18 PM

20. I LOVE THIS!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:21 PM

21. Brilliant writing....pls. don't stop.

Made the shit show almost palatable.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:24 PM

22. But wait, there's more! The WH is trying to use an obscure ethics rule Trump just extended by EO to

prevent Mueller from investigating Jared or Ivanka, because his firm represents them, though he does not and never has.

Trump doubled the one-year ban to two years. Hmmmm. Not suspicious at all.

Of course Rosenstein can waive the rule, but will he defy Orange Foolius (a little correction for you there) twice?

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Response to tblue37 (Reply #22)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:31 PM

31. Fine, fine. Protect your little crime family all you can, dipshit. You know why your "ethics"

play ain't gonna work, right?

Hint: Schneiderman. NY AG Eric Schneiderman. Ya feel me, muthafukkah???

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:25 PM

23. I wonder--did Hunter Thompson fake his death, and are you really him...?

...I like to think of you, George Carlin, Molly Ivins, Robin Williams--along with Andy Kaufman, of course--all living together on some island somewhere, laughing at the world and doing anonymous blogging under names like The Ferret...

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:27 PM

25. if we all survive the week, which, i confess, is not a high probability, imagine

that af1 lands back home, and there is nobody home in the white house.
even the butler has boogied.
please god have the cameras on.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:27 PM

26. 'but I'm confident that in about ten minutes Hercule Poirot shows up to tell us it was all of them.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHaahahhHAHAhahaahahah pictured that shit.

10/10!!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:27 PM

27. OMG I laughed til I cried and my ribcage is grousing too, but all worth it. Thanks. nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:28 PM

28. Nicely done.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:28 PM

29. Good work!

can't even breath!!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:28 PM

30. Where was this talent hiding until recently? Bravo! . . nt

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:33 PM

32. LOL Ferret,The. Fun Memory: Had friends over for stir-fry years ago...........the two

toddler boys found it icky and were grateful that I had spagettios on hand!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:38 PM

34. "La Grande Sharte"

You really do come up with the best names for him. I think you need to come up with a list and post them.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:40 PM

35. Merit rhymes with Ferret

Write on! And on!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:44 PM

36. ...

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:53 PM

37. You gotta....

Ferret...you gotta write a book. You are too clever by half and can work organize words into a sentence so they dance and dazzle...just do it!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:53 PM

38. posted without comment:


...foreign leaders are telling each other to basically speak like a child to our President, keeping statements brief and telling him how much bigger his hands are than stinky Barack Obama's and golly, that Electoral College...we're all very impressed with you, Donnie. Anyway sell us some guns.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 08:53 PM

39. I love this! Thanks for sharing this with us

and a great big welcome to DU!






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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 09:37 PM

41. Thanks Ferret

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:25 PM

43. I think I love you Ferret

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:35 PM

44. K&R...

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 10:59 PM

45. The Carcinogenic Creamsicle! OMG!

I'm in awe.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 19, 2017, 11:07 PM

46. ....

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:09 AM

48. Does your brain hurt when you do this?

I can almost imagine every synapse firing off in your head. And what comes out - is sheer brilliance.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, for making us laugh. Oh, how we need it.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:14 AM

49. All I can add is, TheFerret rules. Everything. n/t

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:47 AM

50. I'm starting to think we're not worthy of you, Ferret.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 01:08 AM

51. Epic rant!!!

I should be asleep because I'm flying home tomorrow at 6am but I'm laughing my guts out here in a marginal hotel room in freaking Peoria instead. "Anything but Russia sweet Jesus anything so we can pretend none of this shit is really happening". OMG out of control!!! I bow to you, Ferret.

Well done.



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 01:20 AM

52. ...

In the background, Mike Pence is working reeeeeeeeeeally hard to build the narrative that all this shit went down while he was in the other room ironing his hair shirt. Oh, and he's firing up his own PAC which is super weird for a VICE president, not that he's looking with lust in his heart towards to ever-nearing impeachment of his boss, and it's also a coincidence that his browser history is dotted with stuff like "Oval Office curtains," and "How to get the smell of overdone steak farts out of carpet" alongside the soul-shatteringly horrifying pornography that you absolutely know he consumes all goddamn day long. Like, a dude fucking a sheep wearing a mask that looks like the dude's mom and then killing the sheep and rolling around in the blood screaming 'mommy' and then eating lamb chops because there is no way that Mike Pence isn't a deeply filthy human just below the surface.



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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 02:43 AM

53. Nice brain break at the end of another cray day. Appreciate your talent.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 04:15 AM

54. Much fun w/this report!

Great to see original content here. : toast:

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 04:22 AM

55. Keep 'em coming...

7 shirts, 3 suits and 2 chairs

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 05:16 AM

56. Kicked.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 05:52 AM

57. Bravo!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 07:14 AM

58. Thank you for making this hell

A little bit easier!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 09:43 AM

59. I want this made into a print so I can put it up on my living room wall.

In the meantime, I wonder if you'd give me permission to share this on FB? It's the best thing I've read in a long while.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 09:49 AM

60. I was holding it together

until I got to P ence ironing his hair shirt.. Hysterical. Love your writing! keep it up!

:rof

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 10:01 AM

61. Methinks Hunter S. Thompson has been resurrected. - nt

 

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 10:38 AM

62. Awesome..

Made my day and toss in a a Poroit reference? Simply genius.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 10:48 AM

63. You went a little easy on Pence, doncha think?

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 11:02 AM

64. You deserve a break after your back-to-back brilliances...but not too long, pls

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 11:09 AM

65. love it

would laugh harder if the times were not so dangerous with clowns like potus/ivanka and bannon, jared, miller, ryan, mcconnhell, at the helm of our ship of state

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 12:57 PM

69. Please provide URLs...

for Pence's porno, because we can't forget that white-haired douche nozzle in all of this.

He wants to be president and he wasn't going to even be reelected in Indiana? National Lampoon's most boring state, named because Indians once lived there?*


* age alert! Kids - ask your grandparents. Also, if you don't read this message, we'll shoot this dog.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 01:38 PM

70. You owe me a monitor, Ferret!

Excellently done!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 01:39 PM

71. And welcome to DU.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 02:41 PM

72. k and r

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 03:09 PM

73. Good stuff, TF.

"Living Garbage Pail Kid."

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 05:05 PM

74. brilliant

and hilarious.

Great funny details and perfect sanity check (reassurance) for those of us paying attention.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 05:15 PM

75. kickety!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Sat May 20, 2017, 05:53 PM

76. Ferret Fan Club!

Great writing! Thank you, oh, thank you!

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