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Wed May 24, 2017, 11:46 PM

Long, batshit crazy day. Is there any other kind anymore?

Let's start with the good news, Resistors! Didja see that shit where a couple of badass Democratic women won state legislative seats in New York and New Hampshire? Seats held by Republicans since Mitch McConnell was a mere hatchling? Seats that Drumpf carried by safe margins just last November? Yeah. That was pretty sweet, wasn't it?

Anyhow, the morning sun greeted us with the news that our Idiot Manchild President had somehow managed to make the Happiest of All Possible Popes sad, which isn't really surprising, actually. I imagine Baloo would probably commit suicide if he had to spend twenty minutes with this clown, realizing that he really is President of the Fucking United States.

In a bit of petty cruelty, it seems that Sean Spicer, a devout Catholic who serves as Spraytan Himmler's personal sewage treatment plant, sucking up shit for him day and day out, was denied his once-in-a-lifetime chance to meet the Pope, possibly the only perk of a job that has cost him his reputation, his legacy, and his decency. Anyway, the odds of Spicey going rogue and telling the press stories about his boss trying to order James Comey's murder while gargling hooker pee have drastically increased.

Somebody in the White House leaked the transcript of Shartboy's phone call with Serial Mass Murderer/World Leader Apparently Rodrigo Duterte, and golly what a meeting of the minds that was. The leader of the free world complemented a petty tinpot dictator on all the murdering he's been up to, which made every other American President roll in their graves and even the living ones involuntarily do the hokey pokey, because extra-judicial murders are maybe not in tune with the principals our nation was founded on? Oh, and because he's perpetually compensating for his tiny tiny tiny tiny hands, he even bragged to this barely-significant thug, basically If Heads of State Were All Hair Bands, This Guy Is White Lion, about the super-ridiculously-classified locations of our submarine fleet.

You should never give classified intel to a dude with the insecurity levels of a zit-covered sixth grade boy at his first school dance. Is apparently a lesson the world needed to learn in 2017.

Meanwhile, Michael Flynn's subpoena collection is getting SO SWEET, y'all. He's now been subpoenaed by the Senate Intelligence Committee, the House Intelligence Committee, the Philadelphia Phillies, the West Coast Avengers, and the Barista at My Starbucks Who's Always Pestering People With Card Tricks. Everybody's made extra sure to write "You want immunity? LOL!" on the subpoenas, in crayon, because Mike Flynn is about as fucked as a human being can be without having reached retirement age in the pornography industry.

Speaking of legal troubles, Shart Garfunkel's lawyering up! He hired a dude who's also represented a giant Russian bank tied to Putin because maybe he doesn't know anyone without shady Russian ties, I guess. Oh, and he's gonna try to use campaign funds to pay for the enormous legal defense he's gonna need, which is one more middle finger to all the working class folks he's duped into supporting him.

Senitent Testicular Tumor Sean Hannity continued his meltdown today, screeching about all the persecution he's facing just cuz he's traumatizing a grieving family for the sake of spreading an utterly baseless conspiracy backed by nothing but the unsupported ravings of a known dirtbag liar. (If you're not familiar with Kim Dot Com, it would be absolutely sinful for me to spoil the google search that awaits you. Wear gloves.) The advertisers have started to jump ship, but let's all keep dogpiling on this horror a human being; in any just society, he'd be driven into the hills.

Hey, remember your salad days, when you didn't need to know what "emoluments" meant? Those days have gone the way of Triple Chocolate Twix and Perfect Strangers, my friends, as today we learned that the Shart Organization has decided it can't be bothered to track every little bribe that gets funneled to the President's family by foreign governments in their hotels, cuz they'll be damned if they'll let a silly thing like the law get in the way of the hot, sticky, grift they've lucked into.

And as you were sifting through the day's madness, NYT broke that little story about how a Russian document that most intelligence professionals agreed was clearly fake and designed to fuck with U.S. spyfolk was apparently a key factor in Jazzy Jim Comey's decision to whip his wang out in the middle of the American election, muddying waters and casting doubt and ultimately enabling the election of the Perpetually Tantruming Toddler who is currently ruining everything from diplomacy to the judicial system to steak. The big takeaway here is that Comey is obviously an agent of some forgotten civilization's Chaos Gods, and he's not going to stop fucking shit up until Planet of the Apes is a fucking documentary.

Dr. Ben Carson, who is somehow good at brain surgery despite having a second-grade understanding of literally every other aspect of life on Earth, weighed in on the nature of poverty, which he claimed is simply a "state of mind." This is sure to be welcome news to the millions of folks kicking and clawing and biting just to make it to their next paycheck; perhaps their landlords and doctors and utility companies will accept Optimism as legal tender from now on, thanks to Dr. Ben's hot fucking take.

In international intelligence news, it turns out that Israel has made undisclosed changes in how it shares intel with the U.S., and other nations are in various stages of following suit. It's almost like having a chief executive who haphazardly leaks highly classified intelligence to authoritarians because he wants them to invite him over for sleepovers where they eat a whole bunch of pizza and try to beat Contra without the Konami code might have some negative consequences. HUH.

Oh, remember when Toupee Fiasco stood up and bellowed about all the jobs he saved at Carrier, that air conditioning company in Indiana? 7 million dollars in tax breaks, but Oh Golly The Jobs He Had Saved? Yeah, Carrier announced it's firing 632 workers, and sending their jobs to Mexico. Nice work, Not-So-Great Pumpkin.

Obviously, the biggest gnus was the CBO score of the Serfs Live Too Long Anyway Act, excuse me, the "AHCA." 24 million Americans will lose health insurance, millions more will piss their money away on plans that won't provide services when they're needed, people with pre-existing conditions are fucked, old people are fucked, medical bankruptcies make a comeback just like Family Guy only with Death instead of inane gay jokes.

But don't worry, campers, it's all for a good cause! A $663,000,000,000 tax cut for the wealthy fucks who, WHAT A ZANY COINCIDENCE, bankroll the House GOP's campaigns! This bill even manages LESS deficit reduction than AHCA mark one, but damn if doesn't keep the wealth distribution from your-cancer-treatment-to-David-Koch's-Hummel-figurine-fund totally fucking intact.

Paul Ryan, because he is a soulless monster, actually did a wee victory dance over the CBO score. Why, you ask? Well, I'll tell ya.

Low-income seniors in states that take the waiver the Freedom Caucusers fought so hard for stand to see their premiums increase more than 800%. EIGHT HUNDRED PERCENT. Needless to say, that's more money than anyone can afford. So what happens there is, people who are old but not too old for Medicare can't afford health insurance, so they drop out of the market, and then the market "corrects," and premiums drop. Because the sickest, neediest people can't afford insurance, and just DIE, premiums for the rest of us go down. AND THAT'S WHAT PAUL RYAN IS CELEBRATING TONIGHT, PRESUMABLY OVER A CUPCAKE MADE FROM A MIX HE FOUND IN THE PANTRY OF SOME LADY WHO DIED FROM A TREATABLE CONDITION SHE JUST COULDN'T AFFORD ANYMORE BECAUSE OF PAUL PIGFUCKING RYAN.

All to finance tax cut for the Swiss Family Robinshart and their rich buddies. Don't forget his budget contains FURTHER health care cuts. So now they'll all go back to their old strategy of just straight lying, telling everyone their plan covers everybody and lowers costs and probably brings back Firefly or some shit.

On the bright side, this shit is horrendously unpopular, and the House GOP is so fucking scared of the electoral consequences almost none of them have the sack to hold a town hall. 17 months 'till the midterms, you fucks.

The rabid morlocks of the Freedom Caucus, feelin' cocky about having custom-designed the anchor they tied to their colleagues' ankles, decided tonight was the perfect time to drop a statement saying they'd oppose any clean debt ceiling hike, because some men just want to watch the world burn. Mark Meadows has slit the throat of a virgin goat, painted his face with its blood, and set fire to Orrin Hatch's car, in what I'm told is a leadership challenge ritual he made up twenty minutes ago after chugging three bottles of Boone's Farm Blue Hawaiian.

Oh, and it turns out the President's Loyal Huntin' Dawg, Beauregard, in addition to lying about his contacts with the Russians in his confirmation hearings, also lied on his security clearance application forms, which means the Justice Department is headed by a dude who's broken a whole Denny's Grand Slam Skillet's worth of federal laws. Jeff Sessions must be longing for the days when he was an inconsequential Senator who was too racist to be invited to trivia night at legislator bars.

Pretty nutty day, amiright? You ain't seen nuthin' yet, friends.

If you ever wanted politics to be more like pro wrestling, your wildest dreams came true tonight! The GOP candidate in tomorrow's special House election in Montana (some jag named Greg something, who cares) had a reporter ask him, WHATCHA GONNA DO, BROTHER, WHEN THE CBO SCORE RUNS WILD ON YOU? And Greg-O "body slammed" him. Physically assaulted him. In front of other journalists, too. Took him down and just started whalin' on him.

Because this is what the Republican Party has come to in this Age of Shart; rage-filled dipshits lashing out because they don't like that people are allowed to ask them questions. Team Greg issued a totally bullshit statement with their own made-up version of what happened, which was debunked not only by the smackdowned reporter's audio recording, but by the FOX NEWS journalists who witnessed it. When Fox News calls a Republican a liar, you know the dude is a LIAR.

It's a whole fucking shitstorm, folks. Did you ever imagine you'd live to see such days? If it gets you down, let me leave you with this...google "Al Franken Cruz joke." Worth it.

Anyhow. Shit be cray, amiright?

33 replies, 8470 views

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Arrow 33 replies Author Time Post
Reply Long, batshit crazy day. Is there any other kind anymore? (Original post)
TheFerret May 2017 OP
Danascot May 2017 #1
dalton99a May 2017 #2
7wo7rees May 2017 #3
dalton99a May 2017 #4
Leghorn21 May 2017 #5
CaliforniaPeggy May 2017 #6
Doreen May 2017 #7
KPN May 2017 #8
Canoe52 May 2017 #9
SunSeeker May 2017 #10
Hekate May 2017 #15
Alice11111 May 2017 #27
pnwmom May 2017 #11
marybourg May 2017 #12
littlemissmartypants May 2017 #13
madaboutharry May 2017 #14
smirkymonkey May 2017 #30
Hekate May 2017 #16
Nay May 2017 #19
The Polack MSgt May 2017 #17
peacebuzzard May 2017 #18
ProfessorPlum May 2017 #20
voteearlyvoteoften May 2017 #21
Leghorn21 May 2017 #22
HipChick May 2017 #23
GallopingGhost May 2017 #24
denbot May 2017 #25
MontanaMama May 2017 #26
njhoneybadger May 2017 #28
ProfessorGAC May 2017 #29
BSdetect May 2017 #31
mnhtnbb May 2017 #32
oasis May 2017 #33

Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 24, 2017, 11:49 PM

1. 1st rec for

the mighty Ferret!

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Response to Danascot (Reply #1)


Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 24, 2017, 11:52 PM

3. You've become a favorite!! The mighty Ferret!!

You are amazing...... We love your wit!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 24, 2017, 11:57 PM

4. Thanks, Ferret

for another outstanding report on the abomination

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Wed May 24, 2017, 11:59 PM

5. Right on TIME!! Saving for breakfast - thank you, TheFerret!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 12:00 AM

6. Well, there you are, at last!

And well worth the wait, I might add.

Keep 'em coming, OK?

Thank you.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 12:55 AM

7. All day reported in a short, sweet, and accurate

fashion. Though, my one question is about the Popes thoughts. Was he thinking that "this guy is the president of the fucking U.S.A" or "This guy is fucking the U.S.A?"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:05 AM

8. Wow! Awesome Daily!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:15 AM

9. tl;dr

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:15 AM

10. I googled "Al Franken Cruz joke." You're right, definitely worth it:

According to Franken, here’s how Klobuchar described the bit to Cruz (bear in mind that this was in 2013, when the infamous Carnival “poop cruise” was all over cable news): “When most people think of a difficult cruise, they think of Carnival. But we Democrats in the Senate think of Ted.” Cruz suggested she replace “difficult” with the softer “challenging” before finally allowing that she should “go ahead and tell your joke.”

Franken was irritated — both by what he called Cruz’s “patronizing” attitude toward his colleague, and by the pulled punch of a joke. So he suggested to Cruz his own rewrite: “When most people think of a cruise that’s full of s—, they think of Carnival. But we think of Ted.”

Now that’s a burn. Franken seemed satisfied with the reaction.

“And there went Ted’s smile,” Franken writes. “For once, he had no words.”

https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/reliable-source/wp/2017/05/24/al-franken-is-back-to-joke-writing-with-this-sick-burn-on-ted-cruz/

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #10)

Thu May 25, 2017, 03:04 AM

15. "And there went Ted's smile."

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Response to SunSeeker (Reply #10)

Fri May 26, 2017, 01:10 AM

27. Franken says it's very hard not to be sarcastic, but he

Works hard at it. He had to give up comedy to be taken seriously. Sometimes, It comes out. That was perfect!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:24 AM

11. Another perfect rant. Thanks, TheFerret, whoever you are!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:27 AM

12. I guess it was times like this

that gave the Greeks the idea that the Gods were toying with them. I think they were right. They're doing it to us now. What else could explain all this?

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:37 AM

13. Kicking. Eom ♡ lmsp

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 02:31 AM

14. I very much enjoyed reading this.

But seriously, I don't think I could take it anymore. Every day we wake up to another clusterfuck. From morning to night, it's one thing after another.

Oh how I miss President Obama. I miss his dignity and grace and intellect. I miss waking up and knowing that a man who was in possession of his sanity was in charge.

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Response to madaboutharry (Reply #14)

Fri May 26, 2017, 04:43 AM

30. You aren't alone. I don't even remember what it was like to wake up to

a normal day anymore. It seems like every day is a non-stop shit-show with Trump and it shows no sign of ending. I'm exhausted already from the stress of it.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 03:14 AM

16. I read bits of this to hubby. He said, "Somewhere Hillary is having a glass of wine...

....in the knowledge that they would have made her life a living Hell from Day One, and would be drawing up Articles of Impeachment now. Instead the Republicans got exactly what they wanted, and look what's happening to them. It's all turning to ashes in their hands. They've got nothing."

That's not to say this is not agony for us to be living through, but Benedict Donald is destroying the GOP. Be careful what you pray for, because sometimes you get it in spades.

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Response to Hekate (Reply #16)

Thu May 25, 2017, 10:23 AM

19. Exactly the way I feel, too. For a number of years I've felt that this dangerous

fascist Republican Party was going to have to SELF-destruct -- Democratic rationality has NO power over the sort of howling, violent, mentally-ill stuff coming out of the Republican Party. No power. It has to play out. Unfortunately, because of the urgency of the climate change problem, we are unlikely to survive as a nation or maybe even as a species. It's simply too late for rational action to address that problem.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 09:34 AM

17. Kick and effing Rec.

I want to kiss you, you magnificent bastard

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 10:00 AM

18. Damn! I can actually laugh!

Just when I thought I was terribly depressed. Thanks again my friend!
A good laugh is all I need to renew the energy

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 11:01 AM

20. made my day.

thank you for this

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:08 PM

21. Yep it's cray yr right

Jon Stewart?

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 01:17 PM

22. "You want immunity? LOL!" KICK IT, TF!!! eom

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 11:20 PM

23. K&R

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Thu May 25, 2017, 11:22 PM

24. "Perfect Strangers"

I'm dating myself by laughing.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 12:07 AM

25. Brings back Firefly you say..

No, wait! Sorry, sorry, lost focus for a second. Thanks for holding back the tears with a chuckle TheFrerret.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 12:22 AM

26. Marry me Ferret.

Seriously. I'm laughing tonight instead of crying.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 03:27 AM

28. Damn right "Shit be cray"

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 04:32 AM

29. Good Stuff

Again!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 07:22 AM

31. Great coverage of the daily deeds of doom.

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 07:45 AM

32. You be right, TheFerret: shit be cray.

The only way to get through this is to laugh and RESIST!

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Response to TheFerret (Original post)

Fri May 26, 2017, 07:46 AM

33. "Optimism as legal tender". Clever slam on Ben Carson's cluelessness.

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