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Wed Feb 22, 2017, 10:14 PM

AMERICANS OVERWHELMINGLY SAY LIVES HAVE IMPROVED SINCE KELLYANNE CONWAY WENT AWAY

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An overwhelming majority of Americans say that their lives have improved since Kellyanne Conway went away, a new poll finds.

According to the poll, Americans have been sleeping more, eating better, and enjoying a markedly greater sense of well-being following Conway’s sudden departure.

“I had lost my zest for life,” Carol Foyler, a poll respondent, said. “Now that Kellyanne Conway is gone, I greet every day with a smile, I feel my energy coming back, and I want to have sex again.”

Across the nation, medical professionals have reported striking improvements in patients’ mental health since the White House counsellor vanished, a phenomenon some doctors are calling the Conway Effect.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/americans-overwhelmingly-say-lives-have-improved-since-kellyanne-conway-went-away

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Reply AMERICANS OVERWHELMINGLY SAY LIVES HAVE IMPROVED SINCE KELLYANNE CONWAY WENT AWAY (Original post)
Zorro Feb 2017 OP
bravenak Feb 2017 #1
Leith Feb 2017 #5
bravenak Feb 2017 #6
luvMIdog Feb 2017 #2
PoindexterOglethorpe Feb 2017 #3
Amaryllis Feb 2017 #4
Zambero Feb 2017 #7
Laffy Kat Feb 2017 #8
shadowmayor Feb 2017 #9

Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 10:18 PM

1. I just found ten dollars on the street. It happened directly after she went away.

 

I implore other Americans to share their own tales of triumph in the wake of the Disappearance of Kellyanne. #KryptKeeperKelly

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Response to bravenak (Reply #1)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 11:44 PM

5. My Ears Stopped Plugging Up

They don't seem to have as much of an incentive to protect themselves any more.

That counts.

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Response to Leith (Reply #5)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 11:46 PM

6. That counts for alot.

 

Her voice has destroyed many an ear in it's time. You got lucky that they hid that corpse away from the public

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 10:32 PM

2. while Kellyanne is definitely a boil on the butt of America

Trump and the repulsives are the bacteria that created the boil

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 10:43 PM

3. I know Borowitz is satire,

but trust me, your life will improve enormously if you just turn off your TV.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 10:49 PM

4. I read this and wondered if she really did go away...anyone know? This was the first i got wind of

it, but haven't seen references to her lately.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Wed Feb 22, 2017, 11:50 PM

7. I've stopped hurling food at the TV screen

Less clean-up leads to a better life!

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Thu Feb 23, 2017, 12:04 AM

8. My cat hasn't thrown up a hairball since she stopped appearing on the TV machine.

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Response to Zorro (Original post)

Thu Feb 23, 2017, 12:26 AM

9. Unfortunately

Dozens of Dalmatian puppies have gone missing!

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