AMERICANS OVERWHELMINGLY SAY LIVES HAVE IMPROVED SINCE KELLYANNE CONWAY WENT AWAY

[Zorro]

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—An overwhelming majority of Americans say that their lives have improved since Kellyanne Conway went away, a new poll finds.

According to the poll, Americans have been sleeping more, eating better, and enjoying a markedly greater sense of well-being following Conway’s sudden departure.

“I had lost my zest for life,” Carol Foyler, a poll respondent, said. “Now that Kellyanne Conway is gone, I greet every day with a smile, I feel my energy coming back, and I want to have sex again.”

Across the nation, medical professionals have reported striking improvements in patients’ mental health since the White House counsellor vanished, a phenomenon some doctors are calling the Conway Effect.

http://www.newyorker.com/humor/borowitz-report/americans-overwhelmingly-say-lives-have-improved-since-kellyanne-conway-went-away

[bravenak]

1. I just found ten dollars on the street. It happened directly after she went away.

I implore other Americans to share their own tales of triumph in the wake of the Disappearance of Kellyanne. #KryptKeeperKelly

[Leith]

5. My Ears Stopped Plugging Up

They don't seem to have as much of an incentive to protect themselves any more.

That counts.

[bravenak]

6. That counts for alot.

Her voice has destroyed many an ear in it's time. You got lucky that they hid that corpse away from the public

[luvMIdog]

2. while Kellyanne is definitely a boil on the butt of America

Trump and the repulsives are the bacteria that created the boil

[PoindexterOglethorpe]

3. I know Borowitz is satire,

but trust me, your life will improve enormously if you just turn off your TV.

[Amaryllis]

4. I read this and wondered if she really did go away...anyone know? This was the first i got wind of

it, but haven't seen references to her lately.

[Zambero]

7. I've stopped hurling food at the TV screen

Less clean-up leads to a better life!

[Laffy Kat]

8. My cat hasn't thrown up a hairball since she stopped appearing on the TV machine.

[shadowmayor]

9. Unfortunately

Dozens of Dalmatian puppies have gone missing!