Rick Santorum’s Campaign Was So Unbelievably Bad...
BY ERIN GLORIA RYAN
After several months of fruitless fighting and terrifying campaigning, America's gentle, besweatered hatemonger Rick Santorum has announced he's aborting his bid for President. It seems the best way to deal with the Santorum campaign in death is the way we dealt with it in life: like it was all one terrible, drawn-out joke. Rick Santorum was the worst. But how bad was he, exactly? Let's turn to our friend, the analogy, for help.
Rick Santorum's campaign for President was the political equivalent of drunk sex that goes on to the point of chafing in spite of the fact that neither party is capable of orgasm.
He was never going to get the nomination. Party establishment wasn't wet for him, and at times, Rick seemed like he was running for America Pope instead of President, especially when he said anti-constitutional things like how the Establishment Clause made him want to barf all over or that Barack Obama was a snob for suggesting that kids go to college. But he kept jackhammering away anyway.
Rick Santorum's campaign for President was so bad that it felt like being in labor with a giant baby for several months.
He was supposed to quit ages ago, back before Huntsman and Bachmann and Perry and even Cain dropped out. But Santorum stayed stubbornly embedded in America's political process, refusing to budge in spite of our pushing and heaving. Even after pulling bush league stunts like the time he said that he didn't like welfare because he didn't want to make black people's lives better by giving them someone else's money, and then three days later explained that he was actually saying "blah people." Because nothing is a scourge on society like giving money to the unstylish and indistinct.
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