Fred Phelps Arrives At The Gates of Heaven(from "The New Statesman"(UK) website)
http://www.newstatesman.com/lifestyle/2014/03/what-happened-when-westboro-baptist-churchs-fred-phelps-arrived-gates-heaven
“Ah, Mr Phelps,” says the gatekeeper as the old man approaches. “What time do you call this? Twitter has had you down as practically dead since Monday.”
“Tweeter. . .” Says Phelps, gazing furrow-browed into the clouds.
“Never mind. Right, let’s get started, shall we? I’m afraid we’ve had to up security here a little, since the Thatcher Incident last year. I’m going to start by asking you a few questions about your time on earth.”
“By all means, sir. I know darn well I’ve led a righteous life. Ask away.”
“Great! Right then, Mr Phelps,” says Saint Peter, picking up a clipboard, “I’m going to present you with some statements. In response to each one, I need you to tell me if you strongly agree, agree, somewhat agree, disagree or strongly disagree. All clear?”
Phelps slowly nods his Stetson-topped head.
“Number one: ‘To the best of my ability, I did unto others as I would have them do unto me.’”
“Strongly agree,” shoots the unblinking Phelps.
“Right,” says Saint Peter, chewing on the end of his pen. “I’m afraid that answer presents us with a slight administrative problem. I’m not actually cleared to deal with this sort of thing yet – these security measures really are very new. I’m going to have to get Maureen from the Department of Heavenly Prerogatives and Standards to come and lend a hand. Please bear with me.”
“But sir,” says Phelps, eyes widening into vicious blue marbles, “I’m a true Christian. I lived my entire life according to the Lord’s word. Surely there’s no need for this?”
Ignoring Phelps, Saint Peter picks up a crackling walkie talkie, “Maureen,” he says into it, “We have a possible A1327 violation here.”
The walkie talkie squawks something indecipherable to Phelps, but a winged woman in a pencil skirt, with a Heaven Border Security tag on a lanyard, soon appears.
“Hello Mr Phelps, my name’s Maureen. I’m going to be helping you through security today.”
“This is a downright outrage!” bellows Phelps, “I did not dedicate my life to preaching the word of our Lord Jesus Christ to be held here, outside of Heaven’s Gate, like a godforsaken sodomite.”
“I understand that you’re upset, Mr Phelps” says Maureen in a tone that suggests that she has no experience dealing with the upset whatsoever, “But I’m afraid you’ve violated section A1327 of the Heavenly Security Code – that’s the Love Thy Neighbour clause.”
(as Dan Savage would say, "It Gets Better" after that).
= new reply since forum marked as read
