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Your New Avocado: An F.A.Q.
https://www.newyorker.com/humor/daily-shouts/your-new-avocado-an-f-a-qCongratulations on your avocado! Getting a new avocado can be a thrilling and exciting moment in a person’s life. Regardless of what you plan to use your avocado for, there are some special guidelines you should follow to insure that you receive maximum enjoyment from your avocado.
How should I store my avocado?
Your avocado should be stored in plain view on your countertop to serve as a symbol of your wastefulness, as you’ll inevitably miss the ripeness window and basically just throw out three dollars.
How will I know when my avocado is ripe?
Avocados become ripe for a brief period between every third harvest moon and the onset of praying-mantis mating season. The ripeness period lasts for approximately four hours, during which time the avocado is edible. Immediately after the ripeness period, the avocado ceases to be food and should be cast into the same void to which you banished your youthful idealism.
Should I wash my avocado?
Your avocado can be gently buffed with a natural sea sponge and a homemade cleaning mixture of six parts tepid water, one part barrel-aged vodka, and 4.5 parts distilled tears. NEVER hold your avocado directly under the tap, as this can easily wash away its precious nutrients. Do not put your avocado in the dishwasher, obviously.
Will my new avocado get along with my other avocados?
Avocados are temperamental and cannot be guaranteed to get along with other avocados. It is for this reason that we recommend storing your avocado separately from all other produce entirely. Avocados are easily made jealous, so check on your avocado’s whereabouts before expressing affection for your other fruits and vegetables. Avocados wither under the harsh gaze of extroverted foodstuffs.
How do I open my avocado?
Your avocado can be opened using a hand-forged bayonet (available for order from the most recent SkyMall catalogue) while reciting the Prayer of the Seven Virgins. The Prayer of the Seven Virgins is a poem composed by Druid mystics in seventeenth-century Scotland about that legendary creature of mythic lore, the virgin.
How should I store my avocado?
Your avocado should be stored in plain view on your countertop to serve as a symbol of your wastefulness, as you’ll inevitably miss the ripeness window and basically just throw out three dollars.
How will I know when my avocado is ripe?
Avocados become ripe for a brief period between every third harvest moon and the onset of praying-mantis mating season. The ripeness period lasts for approximately four hours, during which time the avocado is edible. Immediately after the ripeness period, the avocado ceases to be food and should be cast into the same void to which you banished your youthful idealism.
Should I wash my avocado?
Your avocado can be gently buffed with a natural sea sponge and a homemade cleaning mixture of six parts tepid water, one part barrel-aged vodka, and 4.5 parts distilled tears. NEVER hold your avocado directly under the tap, as this can easily wash away its precious nutrients. Do not put your avocado in the dishwasher, obviously.
Will my new avocado get along with my other avocados?
Avocados are temperamental and cannot be guaranteed to get along with other avocados. It is for this reason that we recommend storing your avocado separately from all other produce entirely. Avocados are easily made jealous, so check on your avocado’s whereabouts before expressing affection for your other fruits and vegetables. Avocados wither under the harsh gaze of extroverted foodstuffs.
How do I open my avocado?
Your avocado can be opened using a hand-forged bayonet (available for order from the most recent SkyMall catalogue) while reciting the Prayer of the Seven Virgins. The Prayer of the Seven Virgins is a poem composed by Druid mystics in seventeenth-century Scotland about that legendary creature of mythic lore, the virgin.
LOL. The rest at link.
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