I wanted to do something to commemorate my 10,000th post.
For you old timers out there, my post count here at DU is actually over 23,000. I've been a member here since 2003. My old handle was Droopy. I got with the admin here when I wanted to change my username. I no longer felt like Droopy. They simply deactivated that account instead of tombstoning it, and then let me start fresh. That was back in 2009.
Also for you old timers, you may remember that I used to post little stories in the lounge about my adventures as a trucker. I called the series "Stories from the Road" and that would be in the subject line of the post along with a subtitle for that particular story. I have saved all of those little stories and turned them into a book. Yeah, there were that many. I haven't been able to sell that book, but it satisfies me to know that I can actually write a book. I may choose to self-publish the work at some point.
That knowledge of my ability to write at length, and the confidence it has given me, have inspired me to write a memoir. What follows are the opening paragraphs of what I have so far. It's going to be quite different, but I think when we examine our lives we will find that we are all unique, and I think we all have something interesting to say.
Here we go:
Consensus reality simply bores the shit out of me, so I had to create my own reality. Actually, I didn’t exactly do that on purpose. The original plan was to alter reality for a few hours and then return to consensus reality. I thought I might be able to do that here and there and still remain a respectable citizen while at the same time making life more interesting. My mode of accomplishing that was LSD. However, something did not go as planned. After a particularly bold dose, especially for a novice at such things, I found that I could not return to consensus reality. My consciousness had become permanently altered. The only way I can communicate with those still inhabiting consensus reality is through an anti-psychotic drug called ziprasidone. Well, they call it an anti-psychotic. It’s actually just a heavy-duty tranquilizer. But this literary project is not the product of a diseased mind. It’s the product of an altered mind. Even though I take a drug to reconnect me to ordinary reality, it only partially works even at a strong dosage. As you will find out, or maybe can already see, the world looks very different through my eyes than those of the common citizen.
However, I’m not going to romanticize this. This has been an extremely painful experience. Having one foot in one world and one in another is very hard to handle, especially if you want to keep from getting locked up in prison or a psychiatric hospital. For a long time after I became aware of other realities, I barely had enough consciousness left in consensus reality to function here. I was highly anti-social, but I found truck driving which is not averse to misfits and weirdos, and through the solitude of the job was able to make a living while not having to deal with people for the most part.
Mental illnesses like depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, anxiety, and personality disorders, in my view, are probably not caused by abnormalities in the brain, but rather are due to conditioning or trauma. If you have the time and money for talk therapy, I think those illnesses can be sorted out there and healthier modes of thought can be established. Usually they just throw a medication at it because it’s cheaper, quicker, easier, and provides some relief. When you get out to psychotic disturbances, I think that is an entirely different ball game. I subscribe to the filter theory of the brain and consciousness. That is, consciousness is an all-pervasive element of the universe and the brain behaves like a filter in relation to it. The brain actually limits consciousness in its ordinary state. When psychosis is present, it means that something is not normal with the filter of the brain. The brain is altered in some way or there is some problem with brain chemistry or brain damage. What then happens is that consciousness is not regulated in the same way that it is ordinarily regulated in a normal, unaltered brain. Confusion usually abounds as the afflicted person tries to make sense of altered states of consciousness, and some degree of paranoia usually sets in. When my brain is not medicated, there are times when it seems as if I have taken a psychedelic drug. That used to make me very paranoid because I thought people were really drugging me without my knowledge. I couldn’t think of any other explanation. The idea that such states were occurring naturally didn’t seem possible to me.
I first heard of the filter theory of the brain and consciousness when I was hospitalized back in 2003 at 30 years old for mental illness. We were doing art therapy. I had this 11” by 17” poster board with the outline of a peacock on it to color with markers. When I got done with that peacock it looked like something right out of a 1960s psychedelic concert poster. I used every color available in bright hues. I then put the poster up in the window of my room.
The next day, the psychiatrist came in and he told me about the filter theory of the brain being like a filter for consciousness. He said someone in the 1960s, a psychologist, had come up with it and it was thought to be a great accomplishment in some circles. I told him that made perfect sense to me. He then noted the psychedelic peacock with a little knowing smile on his face. It was a dead give-away for someone experienced in such matters, but I didn’t realize it at the time.
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I enjoyed greatly reading your essay. I never got to try LSD so a lot of what you said is on a more theoretical plane for me than it is for you.
You've done a lot of very productive thinking, unlike us less thoughtful people, and it shows. I wish you continued insights and the means to share those with us!
You know, my marriage anniversary is coming up as well. We will have been married for 7 years on November 5th.
Happy 10,000 my friend!!!
