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Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:26 PM

Donald Trump's Funeral: A Subdued Affair with Few Mourners - The Washington Poot, 12/23/2023

On a cold December day in Queens, a small group of people gathered in a shabby 50s-era funeral parlor to pay their last respects to a man who was once the so-called leader of the free world – Donald J. Trump. Presidents and ex-presidents are entitled to state funerals, but after Mr. Trump choked to death on a piece of overdone steak in his cell at the federal prison in Otisville, New York last week, his few remaining allies and supporters encountered many obstacles when trying to arrange for such an event. The National Cathedral in Washington, D.C., where services for many former presidents have been held, was unavailable; a representative of the church explained that the Archbishop had “serious theological concerns,” and expressed a strong desire that the funeral should be held at “an appropriate secular location.” Mar-a-Lago, which was once Mr. Trump’s Florida resort and residence, was also unavailable because it was taken in an asset-forfeiture along with most of the rest of his assets following his impeachment and criminal trials in 2020. Family members were unable to assist with final arrangements, since of his four adult children only daughter Tiffany remains unscathed and unincarcerated, and she suggested that “they should just double-bag him and put him out on the curb for next week’s trash pickup.” Ex-wife Melania and son Barron, 17, have sought asylum in Melania’s homeland, Slovenia, and could not be reached for comment.

The brief ceremony on December 20 included a eulogy by Roger Stone, delivered via Skype from an undisclosed location in Argentina, and a brief homily by Franklin Graham in which he compared Mr. Trump to Jesus Christ and warned that he would rise again from the dead to judge and punish his persecutors. A bystander, later identified as Michael Cohen, commented loudly that it although it has been three days Mr. Trump remains dead, Mr. Graham appeared not to have heard the remark. When asked why he was attending the funeral, Mr. Cohen, who was recently released from prison upon completing his sentence for election finance offenses, replied that he “wanted to be sure the fucker was really dead.” Others at the sparsely-attended event included former New York Mayor and Mr. Trump’s television lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Fox host Sean Hannity, former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, and former Senator Lindsey Graham, who was observed sobbing quietly on the shoulder of washed-up rocker Ted Nugent.

No presidents or vice-presidents, former or current, were in attendance. President Pelosi was in Brussels, Belgium at a NATO conference, and Vice-President Beto O’Rourke was opening a new federal center in El Paso, Texas, to welcome refugees from Central America. Former President Obama was entertaining children at a holiday party at a D.C. hospital, and 99-year-old former President Jimmy Carter was busy nailing shingles to a Habitat for Humanity house in Georgia. Former President Bill Clinton and former Secretary of State and presidential candidate Hillary Clinton had just left for Africa to open three new AIDS clinics on behalf of the Clinton Foundation. Former President George W. Bush, reached at his home in Dallas, remarked that he’d “rather eat a bag o’ bees” than attend the funeral, and provided a photo of a recent painting he had done of Mr. Trump, which unfortunately is not suitable for publication in a family newspaper. Mr. Trump's vice-president, Mike Pence, was also unable to attend; prison officials declined to give him a day pass for the ceremony.

Pallbearers included Corey Lewandowski, former Congressman Devin Nunes, who appeared to be wearing an ankle monitor, and four unidentified men in red MAGA caps. It was later determined that the men had been hired through a Craigslist advertisement; each was paid $50 in cash. Mr. Trump’s final resting place has not been determined.

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Reply Donald Trump's Funeral: A Subdued Affair with Few Mourners - The Washington Poot, 12/23/2023 (Original post)
The Velveteen Ocelot Dec 2018 OP
MFM008 Dec 2018 #1
PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #2
The Velveteen Ocelot Dec 2018 #3
PoindexterOglethorpe Dec 2018 #4
The Velveteen Ocelot Dec 2018 #5
LunaSea Dec 2018 #6
SeattleVet Dec 2018 #7
Ilsa Dec 2018 #8

Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:27 PM

1. 2023

To far out.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:29 PM

2. Sort of cute, except that I somehow seriously doubt

that Nancy Pelosi will be President five years from now.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #2)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:30 PM

3. Pence gets indicted too, Pelosi is president, runs and is re-elected.

Fantasy, of course, but fun to imagine.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Reply #3)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:31 PM

4. She'll be 83 by then.

I am apparently one of the few here who thinks that at some point someone younger than 70 should be President.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #4)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:32 PM

5. Like I said, it's just Lounge fantasy. Don't be so serious.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 05:41 PM

6. Undetermined final resting place....

Guess it depends on the tides.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 06:36 PM

7. "Double bag him and put him out on the curb..."

Oh, come on! He was -- for a way-too-freaking-long period -- the (alleged) President of the United States of America.

He deserves at least to be triple-bagged. I'd probably be OK with that (as long as we don't have to pay for any of those fancy, heavy-duty Contractor bags; we have to draw the line *someplace*.)

At the very least I'd also make sure he's placed next to a fire hydrant so he can benefit from a 21-dog 'salute'.

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Response to The Velveteen Ocelot (Original post)

Sun Dec 23, 2018, 06:53 PM

8. Excellent! I'd love to see it on his Twitter page! nt

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