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Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsPost Your Corniest Joke
I'll begin with the joke my dad told me maybe 1,000 times and it never improved (yet here I am repeating it).
Q: Why couldn't you get any corn during the war?
A: Because all the colonels were in the army!
Ba dump pssshhhh
MLAA
(17,350 posts)Why is six afraid of seven? Seven eight nine!
TlalocW
(15,392 posts)Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven had a history of criminal violence.
TlalocW
applegrove
(118,870 posts)5 year old nephew to his mom when they drove past a hospital with a helipad: "Mom what is that?"
Mom "a helicopter pad for helicopters to land"
5 year old "what is it for?"
3 year old brother "Oh silly that is how they get the dead people up to heaven"
Here is another true one.
Kid and parents in line for ice cream. Very large lady in front of them (probably my size). Large lady's beeper goes off. The kid yells out "Look out! She's backing up!!!"
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Helicopters take people to Heaven?
applegrove
(118,870 posts)or two before my grandmother died. Of course the story made it into her eulogy. The peeper one was told to my dad by a friend of his.
PoindexterOglethorpe
(25,925 posts)people up to heaven.
applegrove
(118,870 posts)My dad led in with "in her final years mother loved to hear stories about her great grandchildren" and then told the helicopter story.
A HERETIC I AM
(24,380 posts)WHEEEEEEEEEE!
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)A HERETIC I AM
(24,380 posts)ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)So he decided to buy a really fast car. And to make sure everyone knew it was Mr. Snail who was driving it, he painted a big "S" on the hood. Now when he's whipping along all his neighbors say, "Look at that s car go!"
applegrove
(118,870 posts)ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind!" and kicks the poor snail out the door.
Four months later, the same snail comes into the bar and says, "What was that for?"
applegrove
(118,870 posts)FM123
(10,054 posts)<img src="" alt="Who Wore It Better | ONE IS A BRAINLESS INANIMATE OBJECT THE OTHER IS A EAR OF CORN | image tagged in who wore it better | made w/ Imgflip meme maker"/>
Snotcicles
(9,089 posts)Someone who makes ba'skeghetti.
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Had to think like a kid... You'd think I'd be used to that!
True Blue American
(17,995 posts)Used that word!
Not a joke but we were going past a Cemetery. I remarked that I did not know there was a Cemetery there.
My 4 year old Grandson said very seriously, Grandma, we do not have Cemeteries down here, we have Graveyards!
solara
(3,836 posts)Q. What is the definition of a Roman heart attack?
A. A Julius Seizure
That was the first and last joke I ever wrote..( with good reason I would say)
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Shoot, at 7 I was learning the "Beans Beans a Wonderful Fruit" song, not thinking of jokes having to do with Julius Caesar! You were just precocious.
solara
(3,836 posts)I remember that song..
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Someone recited it to me in the morning, maybe before school started. I was so eager to learn this new, wonderful song that I kept asking him to repeat it. My memory is of asking him to repeat it for about the tenth time during PE. I think he got tired of reciting it for me because his tone had changed to one of boredom. I bet he never repeated it again.
True Blue American
(17,995 posts)mbusby
(823 posts)...to the mole above him as they were climbing out of a hole: "I smell molasses...."
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)I promise you I'm going to tell that one tomorrow... just as soon as I find an unwitting victim.
Niagara
(7,707 posts)Q: Why did they outlaw the round hay bales?
A: Because they wanted the cattle to get a square meal!
Niagara
(7,707 posts)Q: Why did the bicycle keep falling over?
A: Because it was two-tired!
uriel1972
(4,261 posts)the other one ducked.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.
okaawhatever
(9,478 posts)Because if it had 4 it would be a sedan.
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)I know a fellow car guy at work who would appreciate it.
okaawhatever
(9,478 posts)hide in cherry trees.
We laughed politely. The cousin comes back after a minute or two.
Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
NO.
Must work then huh?
mr_lebowski
(33,643 posts)And the Bear says to the Rabbit ...
"Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"
And the Rabbit says ...
"Actually, no, I don't!"
So the Bear ... wiped his ass with the Rabbit.
(okay, so I got that from Eddie Murphy ... but he did explicitly give it to everyone, so there's that)
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Hassin Bin Sober
(26,350 posts)Answer: an Amish drive by shooting
Kablooie
(18,645 posts)Last edited Wed Apr 17, 2019, 02:52 AM - Edit history (1)
Egg.
... What?
"What" is not part of the joke.
... No... what's that supposed to mean? Egg?
That's the joke.
... But ... what's the joke?
Egg.
...
... Will you go away. Please. ... Go away from me. Now.
underpants
(182,972 posts)for now it's not registering.
diva77
(7,671 posts)underpants
(182,972 posts)The post was edited.
diva77
(7,671 posts)underpants
(182,972 posts)happybird
(4,651 posts)He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, and a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.
The bartender asks, "Sir, why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?!"
"Aarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)Never heard that one before, but that's a keeper!
DFW
(54,468 posts)A few people are riding in a train compartment with six seats.
A man next to the window has a bunch of bnanas, takes out a banana, peels it, takes out a salt shaker, shakes a layer of salt up and down the banana, opens the window and tosses it out. The others stare, but say nothing.
The man then takes out another banana, peels it, and again, puts salt all up and down the banana, opens the window and tosses the banana out. He does this with every last banana in the bunch.
Finally one of the other passengers can't hold it in any longer, and comments, "you don't like bananas very much, do you?"
The man says, "on the contrary, I love bananas, but not with salt on them, yecch!"
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)uriel1972
(4,261 posts)ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)See down below...Irish jokes.
handmade34
(22,759 posts)last weekend started on "Antwitz" jokes (German)
for some reason I was enthralled and found them extremely funny
https://www.waywordradio.org/antiwitz-anti-jokes/
thought you might have some good ones for us
Flaleftist
(3,473 posts)They're not baygulls.
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Yeah, it's a classic bouy meets gull love story.
Snotcicles
(9,089 posts)What do you get when you mix Lawrence Welk with cosmetics?
Avon and a two.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)What's Irish and stays out all night?
A: Patio Furniture
(Paddy O'Furniture)
ProudLib72
(17,984 posts)Paddy Long Legs.
smirkymonkey
(63,221 posts)peacefreak2.0
(1,023 posts)Bunny farts!🐰
diva77
(7,671 posts)They taste funny.
Aristus
(66,487 posts)The bartender gives him a funny look, and eventually says: "You know, we've got a drink named after you."
The grasshopper replies: "Yeah? You have a drink named Steve?"
TlalocW
(15,392 posts)What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.
My favorite though is when I'm eating with a group of people, and I'll ask, "Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?" then keep eating as people stare at me waiting me to finish and then one-by-one, they get it and react.
TlalocW
brush
(53,957 posts)Last edited Wed Apr 17, 2019, 02:58 AM - Edit history (1)
A rabbi, a priest and a nazi officer are in a burning school full of children.
The rabbi says, "We must save the children."
The nazi officer says, "Fuck the children."
The priest says, "You think there's time?"
underpants
(182,972 posts)and I get the punchline
PoindexterOglethorpe
(25,925 posts)What's the most important thing in telling a joke?
"Timing"
Here's the thing. There are two ways to say the punchline. One is to say it over the obvious question some will ask ("I don't know, what's the most" -- "Timing!" The other is to wait a long beat, fifteen seconds or more, and then say, "Timing". Run through the two choices in your head, and you'll see why either one is genuinely hilarious.
At different times I've heard him do that joke each way, and it always gets a hearty laugh.
While not a corny joke, and I don't recall precisely the joke itself, my brother used to tell one that had some sort of mild obscenity as the punchline. So one time I was with him and he started telling the joke to a respectable woman that I could not possibly imagine it would be appropriate to tell this joke to. Before I had a stroke, it turned out my brother had a totally clean version of it to tell.
He's an excellent teller of jokes.
kairos12
(12,891 posts)kairos12
(12,891 posts)when one says to the other:
"Did you hear about that thing going around called Mad Cow Disease?"
The second cow says: "Mad Cow Disease, what do I care, I'm a helicopter!"