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Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:31 PM

Post Your Corniest Joke

I'll begin with the joke my dad told me maybe 1,000 times and it never improved (yet here I am repeating it).

Q: Why couldn't you get any corn during the war?






A: Because all the colonels were in the army!

Ba dump pssshhhh

64 replies, 1480 views

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Arrow 64 replies Author Time Post
Reply Post Your Corniest Joke (Original post)
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 OP
MLAA Apr 2019 #1
TlalocW Apr 2019 #51
applegrove Apr 2019 #2
MLAA Apr 2019 #3
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #6
applegrove Apr 2019 #9
PoindexterOglethorpe Apr 2019 #54
applegrove Apr 2019 #56
A HERETIC I AM Apr 2019 #4
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #7
A HERETIC I AM Apr 2019 #11
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #13
applegrove Apr 2019 #15
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #16
applegrove Apr 2019 #18
FM123 Apr 2019 #5
Snotcicles Apr 2019 #8
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #14
True Blue American Apr 2019 #30
solara Apr 2019 #10
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #12
solara Apr 2019 #17
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #20
True Blue American Apr 2019 #31
mbusby Apr 2019 #19
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #21
Niagara Apr 2019 #22
Niagara Apr 2019 #23
uriel1972 Apr 2019 #24
okaawhatever Apr 2019 #25
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #37
okaawhatever Apr 2019 #26
mr_lebowski Apr 2019 #27
smirkymonkey Apr 2019 #40
Hassin Bin Sober Apr 2019 #28
Kablooie Apr 2019 #29
underpants Apr 2019 #33
diva77 Apr 2019 #49
underpants Apr 2019 #60
diva77 Apr 2019 #63
underpants Apr 2019 #61
happybird Apr 2019 #32
smirkymonkey Apr 2019 #41
DFW Apr 2019 #34
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #39
uriel1972 Apr 2019 #46
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #47
handmade34 Apr 2019 #57
kairos12 Apr 2019 #58
Flaleftist Apr 2019 #35
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #36
Snotcicles Apr 2019 #38
smirkymonkey Apr 2019 #42
ProudLib72 Apr 2019 #43
smirkymonkey Apr 2019 #44
peacefreak2.0 Apr 2019 #45
diva77 Apr 2019 #48
Aristus Apr 2019 #50
TlalocW Apr 2019 #52
brush Apr 2019 #53
underpants Apr 2019 #62
PoindexterOglethorpe Apr 2019 #55
kairos12 Apr 2019 #59
kairos12 Apr 2019 #64

Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:36 PM

1. This one might be a hit for the under 7 years crowd

Why is six afraid of seven? Seven eight nine!

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Response to MLAA (Reply #1)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 12:30 AM

51. I like the updated version

Why is six afraid of seven?
Because seven had a history of criminal violence.

TlalocW

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:36 PM

2. This is actually true:

5 year old nephew to his mom when they drove past a hospital with a helipad: "Mom what is that?"

Mom "a helicopter pad for helicopters to land"

5 year old "what is it for?"

3 year old brother "Oh silly that is how they get the dead people up to heaven"

Here is another true one.

Kid and parents in line for ice cream. Very large lady in front of them (probably my size). Large lady's beeper goes off. The kid yells out "Look out! She's backing up!!!"

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Response to applegrove (Reply #2)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:37 PM

3. Good one!

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Response to applegrove (Reply #2)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:41 PM

6. Wait a minute. What is the part that's true?

Helicopters take people to Heaven?

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #6)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:45 PM

9. LOL! The kids actually said these things. The helicopter one happened a year

or two before my grandmother died. Of course the story made it into her eulogy. The peeper one was told to my dad by a friend of his.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #2)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 01:39 AM

54. I just LOVE the idea of helicopters taking

people up to heaven.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #54)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 02:11 AM

56. It was a welcome relief to hear that story told at my grandmother's funeral.

My dad led in with "in her final years mother loved to hear stories about her great grandchildren" and then told the helicopter story.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:37 PM

4. What did the snail say when he was riding on the turtle?

WHEEEEEEEEEE!

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #4)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:42 PM

7. Woof!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #7)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:51 PM

11. ...

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Response to A HERETIC I AM (Reply #11)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:55 PM

13. Mr. Snail got tired of being made fun of because he was so slow

So he decided to buy a really fast car. And to make sure everyone knew it was Mr. Snail who was driving it, he painted a big "S" on the hood. Now when he's whipping along all his neighbors say, "Look at that s car go!"

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #13)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:01 PM

15. I've heard that one as a kid.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #15)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:03 PM

16. A snail goes into a bar.

Bartender says, "We don't serve your kind!" and kicks the poor snail out the door.


Four months later, the same snail comes into the bar and says, "What was that for?"

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #16)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:22 PM

18. LOL!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:38 PM

5. ok, this is all I got...

<img src="" alt="Who Wore It Better | ONE IS A BRAINLESS INANIMATE OBJECT THE OTHER IS A EAR OF CORN | image tagged in who wore it better | made w/ Imgflip meme maker"/>

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:43 PM

8. Speaking of the army. Do you know what a battalion is?

 

Someone who makes ba'skeghetti.

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Response to Snotcicles (Reply #8)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:01 PM

14. That took me awhile

Had to think like a kid... You'd think I'd be used to that!

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Response to Snotcicles (Reply #8)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 03:35 AM

30. My Son

Used that word!

Not a joke but we were going past a Cemetery. I remarked that I did not know there was a Cemetery there.

My 4 year old Grandson said very seriously, Grandma, we do not have Cemeteries down here, we have Graveyards!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:46 PM

10. Here is joke I wrote when I was about 7 years old

Q. What is the definition of a Roman heart attack?

A. A Julius Seizure

That was the first and last joke I ever wrote..( with good reason I would say)

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Response to solara (Reply #10)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 10:52 PM

12. That's not so bad

Shoot, at 7 I was learning the "Beans Beans a Wonderful Fruit" song, not thinking of jokes having to do with Julius Caesar! You were just precocious.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #12)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:19 PM

17. Oh man, you made me laugh so hard...

I remember that song..

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Response to solara (Reply #17)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:24 PM

20. I can totally remember the day I learned it

Someone recited it to me in the morning, maybe before school started. I was so eager to learn this new, wonderful song that I kept asking him to repeat it. My memory is of asking him to repeat it for about the tenth time during PE. I think he got tired of reciting it for me because his tone had changed to one of boredom. I bet he never repeated it again.

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Response to solara (Reply #17)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 03:36 AM

31. So do I!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:23 PM

19. What did the mole say....

...to the mole above him as they were climbing out of a hole: "I smell molasses...."

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Response to mbusby (Reply #19)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:30 PM

21. Yep, having your nose in a mole's butt is a sticky situation

I promise you I'm going to tell that one tomorrow... just as soon as I find an unwitting victim.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:40 PM

22. Joke #1

Q: Why did they outlaw the round hay bales?








A: Because they wanted the cattle to get a square meal!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Mon Apr 15, 2019, 11:42 PM

23. Joke #2

Q: Why did the bicycle keep falling over?







A: Because it was two-tired!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 12:00 AM

24. Two nuns walked into a bar...

the other one ducked.

What's red and sits in the corner?
A naughty strawberry.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 02:46 AM

25. Worst joke evaahhhh.....Why does a chicken coop have 2 doors?

Because if it had 4 it would be a sedan.

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Response to okaawhatever (Reply #25)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 08:55 AM

37. I like that one!

I know a fellow car guy at work who would appreciate it.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 02:48 AM

26. This one my cousin told me when he was 6-7. Why do elephants wear red shoes? So they can

hide in cherry trees.

We laughed politely. The cousin comes back after a minute or two.

Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?

NO.

Must work then huh?

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 02:58 AM

27. A Bear and a Rabbit are taking a shit in the woods ...

And the Bear says to the Rabbit ...

"Do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?"

And the Rabbit says ...

"Actually, no, I don't!"

So the Bear ... wiped his ass with the Rabbit.

(okay, so I got that from Eddie Murphy ... but he did explicitly give it to everyone, so there's that)

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Response to mr_lebowski (Reply #27)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:07 PM

40. Ok, that one had me laughing out loud!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 03:17 AM

28. What's this: clop clop clop bang! Clop clop clop bang! ?

Answer: an Amish drive by shooting

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 03:29 AM

29. Knock knock -- who's there? -- A -- A who?

Last edited Wed Apr 17, 2019, 01:52 AM - Edit history (1)

Egg.

... What?

"What" is not part of the joke.

... No... what's that supposed to mean? Egg?

That's the joke.

... But ... what's the joke?

Egg.

...

... Will you go away. Please. ... Go away from me. Now.

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Response to Kablooie (Reply #29)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 05:57 AM

33. That one may hit me later today

for now it's not registering.

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Response to underpants (Reply #33)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 11:59 PM

49. I don't get it either--I'm dying for an explanation!!

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Response to diva77 (Reply #49)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 09:59 AM

60. We have an explanation

The post was edited.

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Response to underpants (Reply #60)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 02:50 PM

63. I think I need to revisit the definition of "joke"

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Response to Kablooie (Reply #29)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 10:00 AM

61. Ok. Thanks.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 04:24 AM

32. A pirate walks into a bar

He's got a parrot on his shoulder, an eye patch, and a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

The bartender asks, "Sir, why do you have a steering wheel sticking out of your pants?!"

"Aarrr, it's drivin' me nuts."

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Response to happybird (Reply #32)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:13 PM

41. That's hilarious!

Never heard that one before, but that's a keeper!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:58 AM

34. German kids used to tell this one:

A few people are riding in a train compartment with six seats.

A man next to the window has a bunch of bnanas, takes out a banana, peels it, takes out a salt shaker, shakes a layer of salt up and down the banana, opens the window and tosses it out. The others stare, but say nothing.

The man then takes out another banana, peels it, and again, puts salt all up and down the banana, opens the window and tosses the banana out. He does this with every last banana in the bunch.

Finally one of the other passengers can't hold it in any longer, and comments, "you don't like bananas very much, do you?"

The man says, "on the contrary, I love bananas, but not with salt on them, yecch!"

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Response to DFW (Reply #34)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 09:10 AM

39. Good, clean German humor is too tonic for me

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #39)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 08:35 PM

46. I'll have you PUNished for that...

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Response to uriel1972 (Reply #46)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 10:32 PM

47. Please don't. I just got up from hibernianating

See down below...Irish jokes.

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Response to DFW (Reply #34)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 04:09 AM

57. "Way With Words"

last weekend started on "Antwitz" jokes (German) for some reason I was enthralled and found them extremely funny

https://www.waywordradio.org/antiwitz-anti-jokes/

thought you might have some good ones for us

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Response to DFW (Reply #34)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 09:52 AM

58. Love that!

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 08:41 AM

35. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

They're not baygulls.

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Response to Flaleftist (Reply #35)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 08:50 AM

36. Did you hear the one about the seagull that landed on the bouy?

Yeah, it's a classic bouy meets gull love story.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 09:06 AM

38. This is one my Uncle authored. You have to an old geez to appreciate.

 

What do you get when you mix Lawrence Welk with cosmetics?
Avon and a two.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:16 PM

42. This is one of my dad's favorite jokes.

What's Irish and stays out all night?



A: Patio Furniture

(Paddy O'Furniture)

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Response to smirkymonkey (Reply #42)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:20 PM

43. What do you call a big Irish spider?

Paddy Long Legs.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Reply #43)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 06:22 PM

44. *snort*

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 07:33 PM

45. What's invisible & smells like carrots?

Bunny farts!🐰

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Tue Apr 16, 2019, 11:57 PM

48. Why don't cannibals eat clowns?

They taste funny.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 12:06 AM

50. A grasshopper goes in to a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him a funny look, and eventually says: "You know, we've got a drink named after you."

The grasshopper replies: "Yeah? You have a drink named Steve?"

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 12:34 AM

52. The ones I like

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's green and has wheels?
Grass. I lied about the wheels.

My favorite though is when I'm eating with a group of people, and I'll ask, "Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?" then keep eating as people stare at me waiting me to finish and then one-by-one, they get it and react.

TlalocW

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 01:09 AM

53. Here's one.

Last edited Wed Apr 17, 2019, 01:58 AM - Edit history (1)

A rabbi, a priest and a nazi officer are in a burning school full of children.

The rabbi says, "We must save the children."

The nazi officer says, "Fuck the children."

The priest says, "You think there's time?"

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Response to brush (Reply #53)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 10:04 AM

62. Loved the intro

and I get the punchline

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 01:48 AM

55. My son, who is mildly autistic, has been known to tell this joke:

What's the most important thing in telling a joke?

"Timing"

Here's the thing. There are two ways to say the punchline. One is to say it over the obvious question some will ask ("I don't know, what's the most" -- "Timing!" The other is to wait a long beat, fifteen seconds or more, and then say, "Timing". Run through the two choices in your head, and you'll see why either one is genuinely hilarious.

At different times I've heard him do that joke each way, and it always gets a hearty laugh.

While not a corny joke, and I don't recall precisely the joke itself, my brother used to tell one that had some sort of mild obscenity as the punchline. So one time I was with him and he started telling the joke to a respectable woman that I could not possibly imagine it would be appropriate to tell this joke to. Before I had a stroke, it turned out my brother had a totally clean version of it to tell.

He's an excellent teller of jokes.

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Response to PoindexterOglethorpe (Reply #55)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 09:54 AM

59. I have told this. joke for years. It's great.

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Response to ProudLib72 (Original post)

Wed Apr 17, 2019, 08:48 PM

64. 2 Cows were standing in a field

when one says to the other:

"Did you hear about that thing going around called Mad Cow Disease?"

The second cow says: "Mad Cow Disease, what do I care, I'm a helicopter!"

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