Dear God in Heaven, I am so mortified

[Nuclear Unicorn]

The office was empty today. Catching-up on work. Nobody here but me -- or, at least that was my assumption (you can see how this is going to end, can't you?). So I turned up my mp3 player while I'm filing stuff away and belting-out --

Do you wanna touch -- YEAH!

Do you wanna touch -- YEAH!

Do you wanna touch me -- THERE! WHERE? YEAH!

And then the boss is standing at the door staring at me.

Of course nothing goes right after that. I fumble for the volume control and spill a file on to the floor and then the client walks-in. The boss goes to his office with that half-smile he always seems to have when I'm sure he must think I'm an idiot and I'm standing there too mortified to move while the client nods in time to the music.

"I used to have such a thing for Joan Jett when I was growing-up. I'm glad to see she's still popular."

Oh, shut up and just let me die in peace.

They leave and I drop into my chair and wait for the shakes to go away. Now that I've recovered I share my grand humiliation with you.

Feel free to share your embarrassing moments; I could use the commiseration.

[TrogL]

1. Last week a condom fell out of my jacket pocket right in front of my boss

He's aware I work with street people but still.

[ohiosmith]

2. I won't ask the obvious. Even I am not that much of a pig.

[HopeHoops]

8. I am. How much do they charge these days?

[TrogL]

13. My church has a soup kitchen

We also hand out condoms, clean needles.

I'm also involved in a community watch program and end up talking to the "ladies" a lot. Prostitution is legal in Canada. Solicitation is not. Some of the girls run out of condoms so I keep a supply in my pocket.

[harmonicon]

24. "Street people"?!

I keep condoms on me for... well, use. I do live in the filthiest, cheapest house in my town, but it's still a house where I use condoms. Two things I really don't want: STDs, babies.

[pipi_k]

3. I almost killed the UPS guy

One day at work the UPS guy comes in before lunch and asks to use the bathroom. The boss is out so the other office lady and I say sure. Well it quickly became apparent he didn't have to pee. The place smelled like an overflowing septic tank when the guy left. So the other lady leaves after lunch and I'm there by myself for a bit and the boss comes back, goes into the bathroom, then comes out and gives me this godawful look...

Like I'm the one who stunk up the place.

I mean, it was really bad. The aroma came out of the bathroom through one whole office, and into the main reception/office area.

I know if I tell him we let the UPS guy use the toilet he's gonna be pissed, so I either had to pretend I didn't smell it or that I was violently ill but had recovered.

[WillParkinson]

4. Sigh...

Now I want to go listen to Joan Jett. I'm going to have this song stuck in my head all night. Thanks a lot.

[kentauros]

6. Could be worse.

You could have any one of the following 61 versions of Tico Tico stuck in yer head!

[TrogL]

14. I love that song

[kentauros]

25. I love it, too,

although my stamina for listening to all 61 versions isn't that high

I do love Liberace's double-speed version

[justgamma]

5. I drive a forktruck and unload semis.

One day this trucker pulled in. We chatted for about 20 minutes while I unloaded the truck. Then I was asked the question I had been dreading. " Where's the bathroom?" I gave directions to the women's and the men's. The trucker came back and said "I'm a man!"

I had spent 20 minutes trying to figure out what sex he was and he knew that I had guessed wrong.

Was my face red!

[eppur_se_muova]

7. You knew there was trouble when he introduced himself as "Pat" ...

[MiddleFingerMom]

12. Don't sweat it. Chances are if YOU had so much trouble determing his gender...

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... this was not his FIRST rodeo. If he had not developed a sort of fatalistic
sense of humor about it... that's on him -- not you.
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[solara]

9. Years ago, I was in a play. We were performing

in a rather large theater in the round, which means, of course, that the audience was sitting all around the stage and there was no "fourth wall' i.e. no escape.

As I gestured with my hand past the face of my fellow actor, my pinkie finger, unaccountably and purely on its own, somehow ended up lodged in my stage partner's nostril.

We had a moment, oh yes, but it couldn't have lasted for the eternity it seemed to and I am actually not sure if the audience understood how close we were to hysterics or even why, but with surprising dignity I was able to extract my finger while we managed to get through the rest of the scene somehow.

Yes, I totally commiserate



(edited for spelling)

[nolabear]

16. Ever listen to the This America Life called The Fiasco?

You should if you haven't. It has to do with a small town produciton of Peter Pan in which everything goes wrong. Ira Glass prefaces it by saying it's the only time he laughed so uncontrollably that he had to turn the microphone off. It is damned funny!

[csziggy]

27. You can listen to it online

http://www.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/61/fiasco

[Kaleva]

10. My ex asked this one woman when she was due.

The woman replied that she wasn't pregnant.

[hedgehog]

20. Never, ever,ever ask a woman if she's pregnant unless

you actually see the baby crowning!

[Xipe Totec]

11. Well, there was that time I laughed uncontrollably and spewed coke across the Christmas Dinner Table

Right at my grandmother's face.

She died convinced I did it on purpose.

[nolabear]

15. You realize that if this was a movie you'd end up sleeping together.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

[Nuclear Unicorn]

17. OK, I have an awesome boss. He gave me $1,000 for my wedding, several raises

and time-off/telecommuting time when my MIL was dying but --

EWW!

He's old and kinda chubby and ...old.

[nolabear]

22. *Ahem* Define "old". Carefully.

[LynneSin]

18. When I was 17 I thought my friends were in the car behind us

We were in my boyfriend's car and along with us was his best friend.

We were all leaving some party or game or something like that and being the dumb high school kids that we were, we were doing some stupid stuff while driving like passing each other and tailgating. So at one point we thought the other car tailgating us was still our friends (about 4 friends in the other car) so my boyfriend's best friend and myself got in the back seat of the car and decided to moon them.

Turns out it wasn't them

Turns out it was the State Police out of Newport PA

My cheeks were red that day!

[Nuclear Unicorn]

19. "My cheeks were red that day!"

Which pair?

[Kaleva]

21. My wife and I went to town to do some shopping.

Once in awhile at a stop light, the person who was behind us at the time would honk their horn. I was getting pissed and wondering what everybody's problem was that day. Finally, at another stop light, the person behind honked. I lost my cool, rolled down the window and flipped them the bird as I drove off when the light changed.

We pulled into a store parking lot and I happened to walk behind our mini-van and then saw written in soap on the tailgate "Just Married!" My wife's eldest son was married a couple of days before and he had borrowed the mini-van that day. My wife's youngest son and his friends had written "Just Married" on the back of the mini-van when it was at the church parking lot and my wife and I were unaware of that.

So these nice people behind me who were in fact congratulating us got flipped off as I hit the gas when the light changed.

[nolabear]

23. Bwahahaha!!

Oh dear. That's just funny right there.

[Kaleva]

29. I felt pretty damn embarresed when I saw that and then knew why folks had been honking

[barbtries]

26. two people chuckled at me today

as i was singing along to pandora. the terrible thing is it's on so low all they could hear was my (terrible singing) voice.

[daligirl519]

28. When I was in graduate school. . .

The guy sitting next to me asked for a pencil. I was busy typing some notes into my laptop and reached into my purse. Absentmindedly, I pulled out a tampon and handed it to him. He turned the brightest shade of red of have ever seen. We are still friends, and he loves to tell this story.