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Sat Feb 20, 2021, 01:54 PM

Who here tolerates "nasty" individuals for the sake of hanging on to loved ones?

Here's my "Dear Abby" letter for the Lounge:

My sister, god love her heart, has a track record of being attracted to men who take advantage of her. Now in her mid-40s, she's on her third long-term relationship with a guy who is fully capable of working but chooses to work very little or not at all, so he sponges off of her.

Making matters worse, he's lied to her, repeatedly. And he cheated on her twice (maybe more, but we know of two occasions with different women, for sure). After finding out about his philandering each time, we had very blunt conversations with her, telling her that she's much better off without him. They broke up briefly, yet she's gone back to him each time. So frustrating!

My assessment: she has low self-esteem and she finds men who she "can take care of" so they'll see value in her and then she hopes they'll eventually love her for who she is.

Not bad enough? He's a Trump-humper and his views have been rubbing off on her. She and I periodically have political arguments these days, which was never true in the past.

My wife and I don't associate with him and we made that clear to my sister quite a while ago. However, after several months of her and her deadbeat boyfriend living together without any incidents (just a matter of time, IMO), she's trying to get all of us together for dinner in hopes of normalizing relations.

My inclination is to reassert my position that she is always welcome to stop by but he remains persona non grata. I figure I'm running the risk of an ultimatum pretty soon: "If you don't accept him, you don't accept me."

Just wondering how many of you are in a similar boat and whether you put up with a loser who's part of a relative's life so that you don't lose that loved one long-term (maybe forever), or do you hold firm and refuse to interact with the jackass?

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Reply Who here tolerates "nasty" individuals for the sake of hanging on to loved ones? (Original post)
True Dough Feb 2021 OP
LakeArenal Feb 2021 #1
safeinOhio Feb 2021 #2
LuvLoogie Feb 2021 #3
True Dough Feb 2021 #4
Bayard Feb 2021 #5
True Dough Feb 2021 #6

Response to True Dough (Original post)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 01:56 PM

1. My dad was a racist. I loved him dearly.

He loved me. Gave the best hugs

Both my brother and I are not racists.

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Response to True Dough (Original post)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 01:58 PM

2. I try to always leave the door open, just in case

things change. I learned that from mom and dad. They let me back in several times.

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Response to True Dough (Original post)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 02:41 PM

3. Just fuck with him with a smile on your face.

Say, "Hey so and so, I hear Starbucks is hiring." Or everybody start conversations about their jobs. Or talk about your bills. "Hey so and so, what was your gas/electric/phone bill last month?"

Send him out for beer and ice, but don't offer him any money.

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Response to LuvLoogie (Reply #3)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 02:57 PM

4. I think he could pull off the ice part

but he couldn't swing the beer!


I like what you're throwing down here. A little passive-aggressive mind game.

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Response to True Dough (Original post)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 02:58 PM

5. The COVID excuse

No big dinners now.

My younger brother is a trumper. I'm a liberal Dem. We've lost parents and 3 older siblings. We love each other dearly, but still fence about politics. Of course, I'm always right!

Your assessment of your sister's situation sounds spot on. Unfortunately, she has to wise up on her own. Just let her know you're there for her, but not the boyfriend. You won't lose her forever.

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Response to Bayard (Reply #5)

Sat Feb 20, 2021, 06:19 PM

6. I did think of the Covid excuse

But it would just be the four of us: Her and her dud "boyfriend" and my wife and I.

I'm really torn about this, Bayard. I am leaning toward going the route you suggest, reinforcing that we're always here for her but he can stay away. I really am not a fan of his and my wife despises him. Can't see spending time in his company leading to any good.

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