No jokes just PUNCHLINES please

[underpants]

What did you expect, lobster?

[Ocelot II]

1. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

[marble falls]

3. And the shop keeper replied, "I wouldn't do it with a pair of your pliers!"

[Walleye]

2. I guess she thought I wished for a 10 inch pianist.

[dweller]

4. And the 3rd son

Took the brick and tossed it into the air ... it never came down

✌🏻

[PoliticAverse]

5. The Aristocrats. n/t

[Paladin]

27. Absolutely LOVE that joke! Thanks for the memories. (nt)

[targetpractice]

34. Brilliant... Much respect. n/t

[Paladin]

53. Google "Joke: The Aristocrats!" if you're unfamiliar with it.

Brace yourself for extreme raunchiness.

[PoliticAverse]

54. And for the most fun see the documentary...

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0436078/

[Paladin]

58. Absolutely.

As I remember, Gilbert Gottfried acquits himself well.

[kairos12]

56. ...and snap your fingers.

[Drum]

6. Bookmarking!

[TygrBright]

7. "Son, this is a hardware store." n/t

[hibbing]

8. She came back with a big Red Snapper

[Twoflower]

9. and that is why it's sometimes better to eat shit than to fly off the handle.

(edit for spelling)

[Goonch]

10. We would, but his hooks scratch the piano keys

[FalloutShelter]

11. Well Father, If you've got the plans, I've got the lumber.

[nocoincidences]

12. No cutting!

Wait 3 days and it will fall off!

[Funtatlaguy]

14. Said Lorena Bobbitts mother.

[nocoincidences]

24. Close,

but no chopstick.

[Atticus]

13. "THAT one------is yours." nt

[CurtEastPoint]

15. "If I'm going to have to gargle that stuff, I want to do it before Sister Mary Thomas ...

... sticks her ass in it."

[Jim G.]

92. They Had To Put The Holy Water...

Where the Bishop had been.

[Diamond_Dog]

16. "Maybe I shoulda said 'DiMaggio'?

[PoliticAverse]

29. Ruth! n/t

[Diamond_Dog]

30. Haha, one of my favorites!

[PoliticAverse]

31. There's an alternate ending to that one that goes...

"Next time I'll ask you the questions."

[Diamond_Dog]

33. That's great!

[NewDayOranges]

17. And the doctor said: It's blind too...

[sdfernando]

18. The 3rd one ducked.

[DEbluedude]

19. Its the shithouse door off a tuna boat.

[Jim G.]

93. A Blind Guy Is Applying For A Job At A lumber Yard...

And they try & trick him.

[DEbluedude]

97. That's the one!

[polmaven]

20. It's the condition of

not being able to move while sitting in a chair with a cat on your lap.

[rzemanfl]

21. No, that's just a little ice cream. n/t

Edit-I watched the video and got the punch line correct.

[SaveOurDemocracy]

22. What do I know from small, medium, large?! ...

Big enough to fit a camel!

[EYESORE 9001]

23. If I find a noodle in here, I'm not paying for this either!

[Harker]

25. ... what is this - some kind of a joke?

[Jim G.]

87. A Priest, A Rabbi And A Minister Walk Into A Bar

[Harker]

91. My version includes a Zen monk, but, yep...

my favorite.

[woodsprite]

26. Kermit the Frog's full attention. nt

[PoliticAverse]

28. "Yeah...but this one's eatin' my popcorn!..." n/t

[Jim G.]

84. "That boy has a...

cock sticking out of his coveralls" (at the theater).

"Well, If You've Seen One, You've Seen Them All"

[sarge43]

32. And the Englishman shot her. n/t

[targetpractice]

35. And the cat said... "You are sitting in my chair." n/t

[RandiFan1290]

36. ...and she stepped on the ball! nt

[Drum]

72. Trading Places?

[RandiFan1290]

75. Yep

Believed to be a nod to this scene:

[tavernier]

37. Let's walk down and get 'em all.

[Marthe48]

51. heard that one in my teens :)

n/t

[Jim G.]

94. The Old Bull

[Funtatlaguy]

38. The dingo took my baby.

[Glorfindel]

39. I told you it was the fastest thing in the world....

See? It's done shit in your hands and run!

[Lars39]

40. "...Number 5!"

[csziggy]

41. OK

Carrying young gulls over sedated lions for immortal porpoises.

I'm glad you only want punchlines - I can't tell a joke without screwing it up. This is one of the one I totally mix up.

[Totally Tunsie]

42. "Everybody gave me ten cents."

[North Shore Chicago]

43. "It made headlines"

[bluecollar2]

44. Englishman and Irishman found dead in alley..Scotsman missing.

[Hotler]

45. The Aristocrats .nt

[Floyd R. Turbo]

46. "Moooo!"

[Aristus]

47. "Then the conductor shook the concert master by the hand and said: 'You're right!

There really is nothing more Wagnerian than a diminished minor seventh!"

[Iggo]

48. Hello big lady.

[Iggo]

49. "Pfft!", because that's how they talk.

[Iggo]

50. That's what I said.

(This one is actually my favorite joke.)

[Marthe48]

52. If she dies, she dies

[Ron Obvious]

55. Arrr, it's driving me nuts.

Pirate joke.

[Bucky]

74. Haha!!

I 💕 love that one!

[kairos12]

57. ...maybe I should have said Dimaggio.

[OriginalGeek]

59. If you live in a grass house, don't stow thrones.

[OriginalGeek]

60. You don't get down off an elephant - you get down off a duck!

[Tikki]

61. And many hard-ships...

Tikki

[ariadne0614]

62. Because it was stapled to the chicken.

[mahatmakanejeeves]

63. "No sir," the first sergeant replies. "They usually just ride the camel into town." NT

[mahatmakanejeeves]

64. "Sis Boom Bah" NT

[Ohio Joe]

65. That's what I'm telling you lady... We ain't got no tomatoes

[mopinko]

66. and he tapped his temple and said- "kidneys"

and honestly i wish i could remember the joke.
it has to do w getting out of the psych ward. but the punchline is an inside joke in my family.

[Pas-de-Calais]

67. I bet the liar told you I was speeding too!

[Pas-de-Calais]

68. That's what she said

[lpbk2713]

69. "Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

...

[Dyedinthewoolliberal]

70. Ok

Not much, just 'where did you get that lousy haircut?'

[Ron Obvious]

71. When I lift the donkey's balls, I can see the clock on the clocktower.

[Bucky]

73. Larry, I'm on Ducktales

[SYFROYH]

76. Ate (eight) something.

[Jim G.]

79. The Square Root Of 69

[SYFROYH]

85. Bingo. I heard that as a kid and never forgot it.

[NightWatcher]

77. The pub just called, you left your wheelchair there last night.

[USALiberal]

78. A hammer, a bottle of whisky and a skull! Nt

[ironflange]

80. Farmer Brown laughed. "No wonder you didn't like it, you picked the ugliest one, you idiot."

[Iggo]

81. To get to the SAME side.

[ironflange]

82. "If that happens, shoot the damn dog quick as hell!"

[ironflange]

83. The dog says "I know, I've just never had the money before."

Last edited Tue Jun 15, 2021, 03:03 PM - Edit history (1)

edit

Oops, put this one in the wrong place.

[Jim G.]

86. "What Happens If The Gorilla Knocks You Out Of The Tree?"

[Jim G.]

88. "Whenever I Got A Dozen, I Sold Them"

[Jim G.]

89. "I Thought So Too, Until I Ran Out Of Chain"

[Jim G.]

90. "Don't Listen To The Sheep, He's A Big Fuckin' Liar"

[ironflange]

95. "OK, that's good, because the Doberman doesn't know shit about cars."

[Doc_Technical]

96. "Don't you know?

That's the beer that made Mel Famey walk us."

[quaint]

98. Hit the ball, drag Charlie.