Important announcement.

[LuckyCharms]

I'm in the " little room", waiting for the dermatologist to come in.

I'm very nervous, because he's going to have to look at my weiner.

There will also be a young woman in the room as his nurse.

Please pray for me.

I turtle up when I'm nervous.

"It shrinks"? I WAS IN THE POOL.

[leftieNanner]

1. You will be ok

Better to "turtle" than the other alternative...

[LuckyCharms]

7. You bet it is!

Nothing worse than having to say "Uh...sorry about the boner".

[rubbersole]

2. It could be worse.

I have a female doctor that has interns younger than my grandkids. (Best doctor I've ever had!) If they're professional they won't laugh...

[dameatball]

3. The worst part is that after you leave they will make fun of you and put your picture in the

office newsletter. Well, that's what my doctor did anyway. It was terrible I tell you. But don't be nervous.

[sarge43]

15. No, the worst part is that for them, it was Tuesday.

For us it was that moment when our dignity and self respect was stripped away along with all of our clothing and we were mere meat on a steel slab while semi-strangers poked and prodded in and around that special place where sun don't shine.

[unblock]

4. ah, this brings back memories

once upon a time i had a hemorrhoidectomy. either they used too much anesthesia or my body took too long to clear it.

either way, i couldn't urinate for over 24 hours, so i had to get a foley catheter put in.

the e.r. nurse was a relatively young woman, pretty, totally my preferred body type, and very friendly.

and here i am with no sensation down there and negligible blood flow. the dang thing was as tiny as it's ever been. i swear it must have been larger the day i was born. and this poor nurse was trying to push a tube into this scrunched-up raisin. took her 8 or 9 minutes. probably would have been painful if i could have felt anything.

i swear i'm above average -- but most definitely not on that day....

[LuckyCharms]

6. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Oh shit this is funny!!!

This made my day!

A story:

Back when I was single, I got some kind of benign tumor in the same spot you would get a hemorrhoid. I had to get it removed surgically as an outpatient. There was the surgeon, and an absolutely stunning nurse.

They laid me face down on a stretcher. Then, with her foot, the nurse starts jacking up the center of the stretcher, so my head and feet were low, and my ass is sticking straight up in the air.

All of a sudden I hear RIPPPPPP. The nurse tore off a large piece of DUCT TAPE and slapped one end of the tape on my right ass cheek, and then pulled it and taped the other end to the side rail of the stretcher. She did the same thing with the left cheek. So my ass is pointing at the ceiling, cheeks spread apart, and the doctor gave me about 10 numbing shots in a circle around the area.

Sweat was pouring off my forehead at this point, and she was standing at the head of the stretcher, wiping the sweat off my face and holding my hand.

Then, I started with the wisecracks:

"Hey doc, you using a knitting needle for those injections? Sure feels like it!"

"Is he going to put a funnel in there"?

"That seems like a good place to park a bicycle".

"I hope there's no wild gophers in here, because they're going to try to turn me into their home".

Both she and the doc were cracking up. I was so goddamn nervous that I fired off these stupid one liners for about 30 minutes.

I actually asked the nurse out for lunch during the procedure "after my ass cheeks are glued back together", and she said yes hahahaha!

Thanks for your story..."Scrunched up raisin! Holy shit that's comedy gold!

[rsdsharp]

9. Last year I was hospitalized, because my bladder wasn't emptying.

At eleven o’clock at night I found myself in a hospital room with a nurse, and two nursing assistants; all female. Being catheterized while awake, and with full feeling is not a pleasant procedure, especially when your prostate is apparently the size of Cleveland. After several minutes, during which time I manfully resisted screaming, the deed was done.

As I proceeded to fill the bag, I said, “No offense, ladies, but I’ve had better dates.”

[LuckyCharms]

10. Oh I sympathize with you!

I HATE getting catheterized.

My previous urologist died at a young age several years ago. He used to take pity on me and put me under general anesthesia for my several cystoscopies. He was certain I had bladder cancer, so he went in and looked several times, but never found anything. I was pissing what can best be described as "chunky mud". It was horrible.

I was pissing out so many clots that he put a kidney stent in for about 3 weeks. That was a real treat. Had to pee sitting down because as the pressure in my bladder was relieved, the stent would move and poke my kidney, so I had to lean forward to relieve that pain. Finally could not stand it anymore after 3 weeks. I called up my previous urologist and said I wanted the stent removed. "Well, you really should leave it in for a few more...". "TAKE THE FUCKING THING OUT RIGHT NOW". So being the kind soul that he was, he got me into surgery under general anesthesia in a few hours.

Whatever the problem was...resolved.

Obviously, all of this stuff involved a lot of catheters, and I hated every one of them.

My new urologist worries me. Old Army officer who I don't think believes in putting people under general anesthesia for stuff like this. Superb doctor though.

[rsdsharp]

11. That sounds awful. I was hospitalized two years ago.

With ICU, regular hospital, and rehab, I was there for 35 long days. I won’t go into details, but I had surgery the first evening, and got a catheter while I was under. I took it home with me, and had it for another week. When we went to the urologist for a follow up, she said she’d take it out.

Long term catheters are apparently different from short term. I laid back on the table, prepared for her to deflate the balloon, and eeeeeeeaze that MFer on out real slow. Instead, she just grabbed it and yanked. After she scraped me off of the ceiling, she said it was better for it to be a surprise, so the patient didn’t tense up.

Maybe they don’t tense up before, but two years later I’m still pretty nervous!

[Old Crank]

5. They are medical professionals

And have likely seen most everything. Had two catheters by women, woman skin doctor for cancer checks, yes they check that too, had one of my ex-wives female classmates ultrasound my testes. My current GP is female. You will have no problems.
Hope all is well.

[markie]

8. you men are so funny

[Skittles]

12. aren't they though?

how about they lay on their backs, leg spread, while a cold metal device cranks their asshole open, and then they are scraped inside by something that feels suspiciously like a fingernail file

[Hekate]

16. I've been laughing like a loon at this thread, I have to admit. My sympathies to all...

[Ptah]

13. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

[LuckyCharms]

14. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!

[Brainfodder]

17. They have seen it all MANY times, don't sweat it.

I had a bad accident and all nurses there were female and they had to assist me showering, talk about....

Nope no raving beauty nurse to report!

Took fastest showers ever.