Jokes so bad, they're good
The storm:
Navy admiral, Jim Lorenzo, and Army general, Mike Cunningham, were fishing together on a lake when a storm blew up and their boat capsized.
Both men were left floundering helplessly in the water momentarily.
Eventually, the general managed to right the boat and clamber onto it.
General Cunningham then extended an oar out to Admiral Lorenzo getting him to hang on to it, pulling him in, and thereby saving him from almost certain drowning.
As the admiral was dragged into the boat, he puffed, “Please don’t say a word to anyone about this. If the Navy knew I couldn’t swim, I’d be disgraced.”
“Don’t worry,” said General Cunningham, “your secret’s safe with me buddy. I’d hate my men to find out that I couldn’t walk on water either.”
Chicken in the library:
A chicken walked into a public library, marched up to the desk, and said, “Book, book, book, book.”
So the librarian handed the bird a book, the chicken accepted it and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken returned, threw the book on the desk, and said, “Book, book, book, book.”
Once again the librarian handed the chicken another book, the chicken accepted it and then left.
Ten minutes later, the chicken was back again. Once again it marched up to the librarian, threw the book on the desk, and then said, “Book, book, book, book.”
The librarian handed the chicken a third book but this time she decided to follow the bird.
She watched the chicken hurry down the street and stop at a pond just off Main Street, where there was a frog sitting on a lily pad.
The chicken showed the book to the frog but the frog just shook its head and said, “Read it, read it, read it, read it.”
Nine Steps to fitness for the over 60s:
Stand on a firm surface, where there’s plenty of room on each side of you.
With a 5-lb potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there for as long as you can.
Try to hold this position for a full minute, if possible, then relax.
Each day, hold your arms in position for a few seconds longer each time.
When you can achieve two full minutes, change to 10-lb potato bags.
Repeat the process, until you achieve two full minutes again.
Then try 50-lb potato bags and repeat the process.
Eventually, try to lift 100-lb potato bags and repeat the process until you can hold the position for two minutes.
Once you’re confident holding 100-lb bags, try the exercise again with a potato in each bag.
Teaching psychology:
The teacher welcomed his new English Literature class at the beginning of the academic year and then said, “This year, we will be studying ‘The Canterbury Tales’ by Chaucer.“
He allowed a few moments for the students to reflect on his comment.
“Now, one thing I must tell you,” the teacher continued, “in anticipation of a question I’m always asked, we will not be including ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale.”
“Why not?” asked a student at the front of the class.
“Because,” the teacher responded in an obviously disapproving manner, “The Nun’s Priest’s Tale is lascivious, licentious, and utterly improper, especially for students of your age. So, please open your copies to the General Prologue, and we’ll begin with that.“
At the next lesson, the teacher welcomed the class again and then said, “Right, students. Please open your copy of “The Canterbury Tales’ at ‘The Nun’s Priest’s Tale’. I am sure you will all have read this by now.“
Seeking help:
In a little village in the far north of Scotland, an elderly widow was living on her own, struggling to get by with just a small, State pension for income.
A very cold, hard winter had been forecast and, naturally, the old lady was worried that she wouldn’t be able to pay her heating bill, with gas becoming so expensive.
She had no family left, she was completely alone and had no one else able to help her.
So, she turned to God for help.
She decided to write a letter to God, in which she said, “Dear God, You’ll know that I’m on my own now since my late husband Jack died and you’ll also know that I have very little income. In your endless mercy, can you please send me £150 to pay my winter gas bill to help me survive by warming my little house during the bitterly cold winter nights ahead?”
Not having an address, the old lady simply addressed the envelope “To God” and then dropped it into her local post box.
The following morning the letter arrived in the local postal sorting office and, on seeing the address, the postal workers were unsure where to send it.
So, the supervisor opened the letter for more information, and on reading it, he felt genuine sympathy for this poor widow.
Being a decent man, he decided he would do something to help her.
So, he called all his colleagues together, explained this poor woman’s predicament, and requested they all dig deep into their pockets to raise money to help her.
This collection raised a total of £130, which was close enough, so the supervisor put the money into an envelope with a letter explaining that he hoped it would help her. The letter was signed “God” and addressed to the old lady.
A few days later, another letter addressed to God arrived at the postal sorting office.
The supervisor gathered his colleagues together before opening it, thinking the old lady would be conveying her gratitude.
It was not quite what they expected. It read, “Dear God, Thank you for the money. It was truly appreciated. However, you should be aware that those thieves in the postal sorting office had stolen £20 from the envelope.”
Unhappy sergeant:
Sergeant Wilson was appalled to discover that ten of his men were late arriving back at camp following their leave.
As he waited impatiently at the camp gates, one of his men finally ran up to him, panting heavily.
“Sorry, sir, I can explain,” said the soldier.
“Soldier, this better be good,” responded his sergeant.
So the soldier told Sergeant Wilson his story, “Sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles but I am here now.”
Sergeant Wilson was sceptical about the soldier’s explanation but at least he’d made it back to camp. The sergeant thought about it momentarily and then decided he’d let the soldier off this time.
A couple of minutes later, eight more of Sergeant Wilson’s men ran up to the camp gates, panting heavily. The sergeant demanded explanations for why they were all late and each of them told the same story.
“Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but it broke down. I managed to find a farm where I bought a horse but it dropped dead on me. In the end, I had to run 10 miles but I am here now,” each soldier repeated in turn.
Sergeant Wilson eyed them all suspiciously but since he’d decided to be lenient with the first soldier, he decided that it would only be fair to excuse them too.
A few minutes later the tenth and final soldier came running up to the camp gates, panting heavily.
“And where have you been?” snapped Sergeant Wilson.
The soldier quickly responded, “Sorry sir, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to catch the bus but I missed it. So I hailed a cab but….”
Sergeant Wilson interrupted him immediately, “Let me guess soldier. It broke down?”
“No, sir,” said the soldier, “There were so many dead horses on the road it took forever for the cab driver to find a way around them all.”
The rare centipede:
Whilst out hiking, a guy finds a rare but long and poisonous centipede.
The guy is amazed by what he’s found and naturally, he wants to show this rare creature to his drinking buddies. So he captures the centipede and places it carefully in a ventilated box.
Once he gets it home, the guy decides he wants to take the centipede to his local bar immediately. So he taps on the box and says, “Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar with me and have a beer?“
There’s no answer from the centipede.
The guy waits a few moments and then says, “What do you think? Would you like to go to my local bar and meet my buddies?“
Again, there’s no answer.
Thinking the centipede can’t hear him, the man gets right up close to the box this time and yells, “Hey! Would you like to go to Jimmy’s Bar and have a drink with me?“
A little voice comes out of the box, “I heard you the first time! I’m still putting my shoes on.“
Collision course:
The captain of a large US naval aircraft carrier is on the bridge when on his radar he spots what he believes to be another vessel, with which his ship is now on a collision course.
The captain immediately gets on his open channel radio and says, “This is the USS Pittsburgh and you’re on a collision course with this ship. You must take immediate action and change course.”
In response, the captain hears a man with a Spanish accent but speaking perfect English say, “No sir, I’m sorry but it’s your vessel that must change course.”
The captain is irritated by this response and says, “This is Captain James Munroe, captain of the USS Pittsburgh, the largest ship in the US fleet. You are a maritime hazard sir and I will report you to the authorities unless you change course now.”
There’s silence momentarily and then the captain hears the response, “This is a lighthouse. Your call.”
From Roy Sutton's Wit and Wisdom
" Share these jokes with all your friends on social media. "
= new reply since forum marked as read
One is very heavy, and the other is a little lighter 
We need all the humor we can get these days.
It's what you throw at a wabbit when you don't have a wifle.
This fulfilled half of your request: it's bad. 
Because if they had four doors, they’d be chicken sedans.
