I Need (Serious) Help Understanding Something.

[Misskittycat]

Really, folks. I'm asking for serious feedback and explanations from people who know about this topic, not just flip comments.

Last night, I found out that one of my best friends (male) from college was just arrested in an FBI sting for pedophiles. He answered a Craigslist ad about having sex with a 12-year-old girl, and showed up at a meeting that was actually with an undercover agent. The news reports were quite graphic and seem to leave no doubt that he did what they wrote he did. In the preceding emails he exchanged with the undercover agent, he indicated a clear predilection for this type of thing, and exchanged photos of young girls.

I'm really flipping out over this. To my knowledge -- including personal knowledge back in college when he was interested in me -- he has always been mature, well-adjusted sexually: married, divorced, then in a long-term relationship with a woman our age where they appeared devoted to each other. He has grown kids, including one daughter.

Was this predilection there all along? Did it just happen recently? I just can't wrap my head around it at all.

Thanks for any reasonable, mature, insightful comments or explanations any of you may have.

[seabeyond]

1. honestly i think

with the net and just everything available out there, that a lot of this is being fed to people and creating a lot that would not have been.

many will disagree.

i dont think there are any real answers.

[Sheldon Cooper]

9. If I understand you correctly, I think I disagree.

The internet may make this type of thing easier to pull off, but it doesn't create it. I have zero desire to have sex with a 12-year old boy, and there is absolutely nothing in this world that could ever make me desire it, much less take steps to make it happen. Nothing.

[siligut]

2. My former BIL had his first sexual encounter at age 14 with a 12 yr old

I don't know all of the details, but apparently, it stuck with him. It was the best he ever had.

He tried to overcome it, but he still desired young girls.

He is a likable guy, a successful tax attorney and he apparently pays for young looking women to have sex with him.

The 12 yr old was his cousin and it seems she was initially, at least, the instigator.

[Tobin S.]

11. That's damn twisted

Hopefully, all of those young looking women are at least 18.

[siligut]

12. I don't know how old they actually are Tobin

The way my sister found out was through charges on his Visa card

[Tobin S.]

13. Escort service, I guess.

That's all some men want from a woman. I would bet that such men have been hurt badly in the past.

[siligut]

15. I think he was trying to relive his youthful experience

To regain the happiness and pleasure he felt then. He may have asked them to act in a certain way.

Though in other cases, yes, I agree, men who just want the sex use escort services.

[Fearless]

3. I would say that it probably developed over time

Or at least a willingness to act on it may have. He may very well enjoy the company of petite women and something made him transcend that into something more sinister.

Based solely on the information you've provided, he was married, divorced, and in a relationship. He may have been feeling lost in that relationship and been depressed about it or something else major in his life. From such states arises a desperateness toward companionship and unfortunately that can sometimes manifest itself in improper ways. Unfortunately the human mind on its deepest most primal level, doesn't see what was going to happen as being wrong. It is the upper, more human brain, that believes it is. Depression can cause someone to feel so desperate as to shed the responsibilities of that upper brain function, i.e. become desperate enough to do things that a rational human being would never do.

That in no way justifies his behavior, but only points out that he needs help. I contend that there must be something wrong or something he perceives as wrong in his life, either consciously or subconsciously, that has caused him to act this way.

I know that point of view is non-traditional and that many people would disagree... just saying that he's an evil person with malicious intent and should be imprisoned for life or even killed or mutilated himself. I, however, always pose this question to people when they suggest such things... Under what conditions could you personally commit this crime? And have them really think about it. Prod them to dig deeper than just "I would never do that". I'd ask them to look at other similar questions like "Under what conditions would you kill someone?" and "Under what conditions would you kill yourself?" I use this to help them realize that people aren't born evil. Evil is made by conditions in one's life. Had Bin Laden been a wealthy American plutocrat for instance, he wouldn't have been the same person.

The conditions of one's life are important factors in deciding how people act. Perhaps your acquaintance would still have done something had the conditions been different, because of a mental disorder or imbalance. In either case, we need to recognize that it isn't the expressed intent of a sane, happy individual to do such things, but that of a depressed or otherwise ill or downtrodden individual, and they should be treated accordingly.

I apologize for the book I wrote.

[LiberalEsto]

4. I sent you a PM

I hope you find it helpful in some way.

[Misskittycat]

6. Thanks. I read your messsage and found it helpful.

[Denninmi]

5. I think it was probably always there, and he just kept it hidden.

I have no real personal experience with this, but from what I have read and heard in the media, they become quite adept at hiding in the shadows, until they do something like this and get caught.

And, as much as I hate to say it, it is possible that he molested his daughter. It does happen. Please not I only said possible. I say this because I am aware of a husband of a co-worker of a relative (geesh, how third hand can you get), who had a similar predilection and who molested his own daughters AND the family's female St. Bernard (ick!).

[Misskittycat]

7. That thought occurred to me, too, but I'm really horrified by it. n/t

[Wait Wut]

8. First, I'm so sorry that you have to go through this.

I know how confused and possibly betrayed you must feel.

The only way you'll know the answer is if he tells you himself, which will probably never happen. Everyone has secrets, some are darker than others. He may have been molested as a child, he may have had a much too soon sexual encounter, there might not be an easily understandable reason.

If you're trying to find out if there were 'warning signs' that you missed, stop.

[dixiegrrrrl]

10. Excellent answer. n/t.

[patricia92243]

14. Family member married, had a child. Then had prison sentence for being pedophile. So, your story

is more common than you might think.

[harmonicon]

16. I'm not going to give you any advice about psychology...

but I will say that I hope your friend fights the charges as much as possible. I know that some people think that accusation = guilt, but I don't buy it. To me, these sort of "stings" are nothing other than entrapment. I think this is as sick and twisted as it would be to talk a former junkie into wanting drugs, pushing them as hard as possible to buy and take drugs, and then punishing them when they want drugs and eventually do try to get them.

[pipi_k]

17. I think it was

probably there all along.

I have a BIL who may or may not be doing the same thing on his computer.

I do know that he was convicted, some 30 years ago, of child molestation on my daughter and two other little girls, plus offenses on two of his own daughters, unconfirmed allegations on two more of his daughters, and an attempt on at least one little neighbor girl all those years ago.

He didn't need the internet back then. Just a reputation as a "Good Christian" and "family man" and access to little girls.

I did not want to believe it, and kept hoping that the stories I was hearing from three of those little girls were just that...stories. But it was hard to believe the stories were untrue when the little girls starting having major issues requiring therapy.

If your friend showed up for a meeting with someone he thought was a 12 year old girl, then yeah...there's probably something to it. And these things don't usually come out of the blue. It may have been there all along, but made easier because of computers.

[rug]

18. The DSM distinguishes between exclusive and nonexclusive pedophilia.

Many terms have been used to distinguish "true pedophiles" from non-pedophilic and non-exclusive offenders, or to distinguish among types of offenders on a continuum according to strength and exclusivity of pedophilic interest, and motivation for the offense (see child sexual offender types). Exclusive pedophiles are sometimes referred to as "true pedophiles". They are attracted to prepubescent children, and prepubescent children only. They show no erotic interest in adults their own age and can only become aroused while fantasizing about or being in the presence of prepubescent children, or both.[20] Non-exclusive offenders—or "non-exclusive pedophiles"—may at times be referred to as non-pedophilic offenders, but the two terms are not always synonymous. Non-exclusive offenders are attracted to both children and adults, and can be sexually aroused by both, though a sexual preference for one over the other in this case may also exist. If a preference for prepubescent children, such offenders are considered pedophiles in the same vein as exclusive offenders.[6][20]

Check out the footnotes. He need a very good lawyer either way.

[LeftofObama]

19. Is there a way for you to get to talk to him?

Without being judgmental, maybe you could ask him why he did that. There had to have been some other issues going on to make him do such a thing.

[libodem]

20. I don't think they tell the truth

He won't confess. He'll have lies and excuses. I still don't like entrapment.

[Misskittycat]

21. Thanks, folks, for your input. n/t