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Fri May 3, 2013, 12:43 PM

I finally twigged why people say outrageous things when angry

I don't have an anger bone in my body. Spock was my admired authority figure when I was growing up. I simply see no need for anger. It's destructive. It's a precursor to violence. And it's totally irrational.

So how do I deal with my relationships when the other gets angry? I am usually bewildered. The other makes up total fabrication, escalating them to ridiculous heights... "We live in a pig sty", "You never lift a finger to help", "What's the point in living then?", "Fuck you and your mother, you asshole", and so on. Meanwhile, I'm always calm, rational and I ask questions to try to ascertain what the problem *really* is, and I never find that out.

However, today I twigged on what's going on. They say outrageous things to try to get me to be as or more angry than they are! It was a bombshell to me! So today I faked anger, ranted and raved a bit, made up some bullshit and hit them with it, stomped around like a little child and generally huffed and puffed like I was really angry. And it worked! hahahaha!

They're really just trying to make me angry and it makes them angrier when I don't get angry. So now I have the solution! Fake anger!

It's sad to me for this to be the situation. I wish it were not so and everyone could live their lives anger free, like me. But many things about human social and personal interactions are foreign to me and this is one that's taken over 50 years for me to learn. So they just want me to be angry too. Damn. What a revelation! :^)



(I often feel like Sheldon Cooper, without the obsessive compulsiveness, of course)

26 replies, 5214 views

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Arrow 26 replies Author Time Post
Reply I finally twigged why people say outrageous things when angry (Original post)
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 OP
RiffRandell May 2013 #1
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #2
RiffRandell May 2013 #13
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #25
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #3
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #4
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #5
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #6
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #7
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #15
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #20
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #26
Xipe Totec May 2013 #8
Sekhmets Daughter May 2013 #9
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #16
Xipe Totec May 2013 #22
Jokerman May 2013 #10
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #17
Tuesday Afternoon May 2013 #11
hibbing May 2013 #12
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #18
In_The_Wind May 2013 #14
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #19
In_The_Wind May 2013 #21
MrsBrady May 2013 #23
Cronus Protagonist May 2013 #24

Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 12:50 PM

1. You should be a therapist.

Merry Fucking Christmas!

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Response to RiffRandell (Reply #1)

Fri May 3, 2013, 12:58 PM

2. I have little patience for people's complaints, though

I wouldn't want to be listening to them all day long. ugh. Wading around all day in the mud of other people's mental problems isn't my idea of a great career choice! I wish I could be the science officer on Star Trek, though, that would be awesome! In fact if I could only live in the world of Star Trek, I'd be soooo happy! lol

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #2)

Fri May 3, 2013, 05:07 PM

13. This is for you!

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Response to RiffRandell (Reply #13)

Sat May 4, 2013, 02:06 AM

25. That is very kind of you captain!

Ah, Spock. The voice of reason and integrity. My hero.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 01:00 PM

3. Yes,......and no.

While you are correct that the person engaged in the tirade wants you to respond in kind, it is most likely not for the simple reason that they 'want you to be angry' to no further purpose.

For most people, it is damned near impossible to not become angry in response to the anger of someone for whom they care. It is easy to remain calm, cool, rational and analytical when we don't care about the individual or their opinions, beliefs etc. Thus, the person who is raging is made even more angry by the seeming proof of your indifference.

Also it is also easy to resist anger when we perceive the things being said as untrue...it is, after all, the truth that hurts. So outrageous accusations are more easily dismissed.

Your feigned anger should serve you well, if you are indeed one of those very rare individuals who can be emotionally involved and still not driven to anger, Good luck with the acting!

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #3)

Fri May 3, 2013, 01:04 PM

4. I didn't know that

I had no idea it was nearly impossible for people not to be angry in response to a loved one's anger. I always look to find out what's the root cause and address resolving it, but that always makes them even more angry. I figure if it were me that were angry, I would want the root cause to be remedied. Apparently, that's not what an angry person wants at all. Not at all. No, they want me to be angry, or at least to appear to be angry.

My mother used to say "Misery loves company." I think I understand that better now.

Imagonna go practice pouting like a 4 year old child now. hahahaha!

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #4)

Fri May 3, 2013, 01:05 PM

5. pouting never worked for me....

a good knock down, drag out always did!

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #5)

Fri May 3, 2013, 01:23 PM

6. I noticed that people alternate

They complain of something that's not the thing that's upsetting them, then they pout or stew for a bit, if anger is not present in the other yet, they make up and deliver ever more outrageous complaints. Then they pout some more, steam or stew a bit, clang and clatter around with inanimate objects and then come back with even more outrageous complaints.

When I feign anger back, they leave in a huff, apparently satisfied with their dastardly deed. And then they can get off it. It feels fake to me to feign anger, but it works to help them get out of the rut of anger, so I'm going to file this discovery in the same category as apologizing for something you didn't do. I do that sometimes so that the other person can move on with their life and it promotes good feelings once more.

Life is so hard for people who reserve the right to be angry. I have no use for it myself. However, I suspect that on some level they get some juice out of it. I am not sure what that juice might be, but I suspect it's there, just out of the range of my detection capabilities. I need an irrationality tricorder. Someone should invent one. I'd buy it.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #6)

Fri May 3, 2013, 03:30 PM

7. Life is no harder for people who experience genuine anger,

than it is for those who don't. For most people anger is a short term experience and can be quite useful.

What happens when the 'they' to whom you refer have a legitimate complaint? Or don't you recognize that possibility?

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #7)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:02 PM

15. Legitimate complaints do exist, of course

But when people are angry, they don't bring up any legitimate complaints. They exaggerate. Widly. In an increasing spiral of ridiculousness. If there is a legitimate complaint, my experience tells me that they don't want to tell you what it is. They expect you to "know already" while they heap more and more scorn upon you.

Me, I'm trying desperately to find out what that complaint is, but they won't tell me. Now I know it's because they are enjoying the childish release of angerous thoughts. It's a tirade. The point is not to get something resolved, which could be done easily and rationally, but to instead create a blown out of proportion battle... for entertainment? Excitement? Self-righteousness? I simply cannot tell, and they won't tell me either. If you can shed light on that aspect, I'd be grateful!



P.S. The they to whom I refer is everyone I've ever experienced anger from. In fact, everyone, almost. (I can count the exceptions on one hand) It puzzles me to this day why people cultivate anger. A feeling of superiority? A front for their own failures? A Jungian projection of their feelings? I have no use for it. It leads to violence. And what is violence but a total domination of another? Am I a cold-hearted person who needs therapy so that I can generate normal anger and try to dominate those I love? lol Fuck that. :^)

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #15)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:23 PM

20. You must deal with some pretty wild harridans!

But I think I understand what you're saying. Many people never seem to be able to find the right way to display their anger or to resolve it. So what happens is that they are always bringing up old unresolved angers...perhaps disguised, but still the same unresolved issues.
That, of course, leads to exaggeration.

You continue to dismiss the idea that there is such a thing as real anger, simply because those displaying anger toward you have issues with how they express themselves and their anger. I have never had anyone but my ex-husband behave in the twisted manner you ascribe to every angry person you have ever dealt with. Oh, and my mother. They both enjoy(ed) being furiously angry...it gave them an excuse to be mean. That may be some of the issues with which you must deal. Which is not to say I haven't infuriated my fair share of people... but that when I have, I know exactly why they are furious and then we go about dealing with it. Sometimes shouting before laughing and working it out.

It could be that you become, unconsciously, supercilious, which would get on the last nerve of a saint. That of course makes me wonder, why you even bother trying to ascertain the cause of their anger. If you don't know and they won't tell....fuck 'em.

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Response to Sekhmets Daughter (Reply #20)

Sun May 5, 2013, 11:41 AM

26. I'm looking to see why feigning anger works now

I think it works because that's what anger is: a desperate attempt to inflame another person into greater anger and thereby win the game of anger by getting what they want.

At least, that's what it appears to me. It's the only thing I can think of, anyway, for why feigning anger to an angry person, paradoxically, works to bring it to an end. There's room for other interpretations. I don't always see things the way others do.

As for real anger, isn't it all real? (except mine, of course, that's totally fake - I'm only acting angry. Inside I'm smiling since I now know the solution.)

I've been studying this for a while, and I've noticed that people present irrational arguments during anger and will not accept reason or anything at all, in fact, that goes against their ludicrous positions. As far as I can tell, there's no point in arguing with someone who is angry. They will win by being completely and increasingly irrational.

Increasing the accuracy of factual observations regarding the points claimed results in escalation. Accepting the ludicrous as if it were credible does the same. It inflames. As does dismissing the ludicrous claims. That's why it's such a breakthrough! It's been a long search, but I've finally found a way to manage the little angry children who sometimes live inside otherwise perfectly normal adults.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 03:33 PM

8. Bingo!

Saw that with my EX-wife.

She would escalate an argument until I exploded.

Then she would be totally happy and sweet.

Fuck that.

She's gone now.

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Response to Xipe Totec (Reply #8)

Fri May 3, 2013, 03:43 PM

9. My ex-husband was like that....

But sometimes the argument had a legitimate basis... I knew our marriage was pretty much over when nothing he said could get a rise out of me...I just didn't give a damn whether he liked something or not. That's when I left.

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Response to Xipe Totec (Reply #8)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:12 PM

16. True, isn't it?

It's the whole irrationality of it that bewilders me. Why do it? What do they like in it? Are they totally out of control (it seems like that, totally). I'm stumped. I do notice that some are more prone to anger than others... they seem to have a shorter fuse and a bigger explosion.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #16)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:57 PM

22. When I was young and stupid, I came to the conclusion that all women were insane

It took me 30 years to realize that, no, they're not all insane.

Just some of them.

And my ex was one of them.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 03:58 PM

10. I had a neighbor who refused to believe that I wasn't mad at him.

Dave was a heavy drinker and apparently decided that a conversation we had was a "falling out". I wasn't angry and I didn't know why he would have been angry. After that, every conversation with him started out with him apologizing for that big argument we supposedly had. When I would say that I was never mad at him he just couldn't accept it as the truth.

After a year or so of this I finally claimed that "yes I was angry but that was a long time ago and now it was just water under the bridge". He accepted this and we got along fine after that.

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Response to Jokerman (Reply #10)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:18 PM

17. lol interesting twist!

And your solution worked too! :^D

I'll never understand irrationality.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 04:30 PM

11. "twigged" ...

cool.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 04:58 PM

12. side question..twigged?

Hi,
I've never heard of that expression. Is that a common phrase where you are from?

Peace

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Response to hibbing (Reply #12)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:18 PM

18. Probably

I'm British, Scottish too.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 06:53 PM

14. You sound like you are enjoying feeling like Sheldon Cooper.

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Response to In_The_Wind (Reply #14)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:21 PM

19. I'm not enjoying it

I do think that it seems like someone's been watching me and collapsed my life with some weird obsessive compulsive culturally oppressed child to come up with his character. Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur... ugh! Normal human relations do puzzle me.

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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Reply #19)

Fri May 3, 2013, 09:30 PM

21. There, there




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Response to Cronus Protagonist (Original post)

Fri May 3, 2013, 11:52 PM

23. people don't always want you to fix it...

sometimes they just need to vent and someone to listen.

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Response to MrsBrady (Reply #23)

Fri May 3, 2013, 11:58 PM

24. You mean someone to take a verbal beating

I've noticed that actively listening gets them even madder. No, they want you to get angry, preferably angrier than they are.

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