What would you do?

[laundry_queen]

I'm a single mom...not poor but things are very very tight. My parents are very well off. For Christmas, my mom gave me $150 gift card to a high-end shoe place and told me I HAD to spend it on myself (and not the kids) and I HAD to buy new winter boots because mine are ratty and she doesn't like them. She said she was going to ask me to show her my new boots next time I visit.

Now, I dislike being given gifts with instructions or strings attached because then I get all stressed out if I'm using the gift 'right'. Yes, my boots were $20 and are 3 years old...but I don't go outside and walk long distances with them. I walk my kids to the bus stop (10 min walk round trip) and my feet never get cold. Yes, my feet are sore and I do have plantar fasciitis but I have boot inserts that help and I don't think spending $150 on a pair of boots is going to help.

My oldest daughter has completely worn out her winter boots from last year. She walks everywhere (she's a 16 year old who refuses to get a license, lol). I'd rather spend the money on boots for her.

So...spend the gift card on my daughter and deal with my mother's wrath, or use it as my mother wanted me to and spend a ridiculous amount on boots for myself? ugh! I can't decide. I hate dealing with my mother's wrath...she can be so evil sometimes (she's a narcissist if that helps to describe the 'wrath' that I'm going to deal with and why I'm so scared of her).

help! (I know, not a really horrible problem in the big scheme of things/firstworldproblems). I just can't help thinking how many pairs of boots $150 would buy for my kids at other stores. *sigh*

Added: You know what? Now that I've read this post over, I think the answer to me is now very clear. I know what I'm going to do, but I still want to see what everyone else thinks.

[mgc1961]

1. Buy your daughter some new boots.

[laundry_queen]

2. I just want to make it clear

my daughter isn't going to be without boots either way. I just don't know if I should spend $150 on boots for her or not. I can definitely afford to buy her a pair of $20-40 boots.

[mgc1961]

7. Get a pair for each of you then.

If you're careful, perhaps you can both get a pair of boots without exhausting the whole giftcard. Then, you've got something left for the next pair of boots either one of you might need.

[laundry_queen]

9. That would be ideal

not sure it's possible at this particular high end store, but as I said downthread, maybe I can hit some of the end of season sales. If not, maybe I can get my daughter some boots and then at least some cheaper shoes for myself (I need shoes more than I need boots).

[mgc1961]

11. I recently bought my first pair of boots designed for motorcycling.

I got them half-priced at about $70. (Winter often brings price reductions since most bike riding is a warm weather endeavor.) They'll probably last forever since I use them only when I ride.

My running shoes are another story. They're used almost daily and require frequent changes. The best models are lightweight and have very durable soles, but their cost is exceptionally high. For example, I may get an extra 25% mileage for the high-end shoes, but they may cost 75% or more than the cheaper models which are often discounted for a variety of reasons. I usually buy the cheaper models since I primarily use them for training. If I ever choose to run another long distance race I may opt for the expensive shoes.

[laundry_queen]

18. Yeah I prefer to buy cheaper items because of what you said

Something double the price doesn't always mean it'll last twice as long!

[mithnanthy]

21. can you get a pair of shoe laces at that high end store..

and get the balance of the card in CASH??? (I had a Mother just like that!)

[laundry_queen]

22. Sadly no

it says on the card you can't get cash from the card, the balance of what you don't use will be put back on the card.

I just thought of something though - I wonder if I could buy something that uses up the balance of the card, and get a gift receipt and then return it with the gift receipt (which isn't going to have the method of payment on it) hmmm.

[Walk away]

45. Boots are on sale now. You may be able to get a good deal...

even at a high end store.

[Iggo]

3. Can't buy yourself and your daughter each some $75 dollar boots?

[laundry_queen]

4. I thought about that

I don't think it's possible at this particular store...I'm not even sure $150 will cover 1 pair. Maybe I'll get lucky with end of season sales.

[Xyzse]

6. Yes on this part.

Hopefully it will work out for you.

[laundry_queen]

17. Thanks I hope so too! nt

[Avalux]

5. You are an adult and you need to take care of your children.

It doesn't matter what your mother tells you or how bad her wrath is - she isn't in charge of you anymore and you are free to live your life as you wish. Who cares if she doesn't like your boots? I know it's going to be one of the hardest things you've ever done (I've been there), but when your mother shows up and wants to see your new boots, stand up to her. Tell her what you did and if she doesn't like it so what. If she flies into a rage, so what. She will leave, you will close the door, and you will take care of your children.

It's not easy to get out from under a controlling mother but I know you can do it. It took me a long time to get to where what my mother says and does has no effect on me anymore. It's a wonderful place to be.

[laundry_queen]

8. Thanks.

That's pretty much the conclusion I came to after I read the post on my own before I posted it. I realized once again she was controlling me. ugh. Sometimes I don't even see it...I mean, she did something nice for me right? How could that be controlling?

I just want to reiterate what I posted upthread - the kids will be taken care of, and my oldest will get her boots...I can afford cheap boots for her. My dilemma was whether or not to use the card on her or myself for the upscale boots.

See, when I was growing up, I had really cheap, crappy clothes and boots that didn't keep my feet warm. My mother had a closet full of clothing, and then some, and she always had really expensive and warm winter-wear. She always thought it wasn't 'worth it' to spend money on children's clothing because 'they wreck it anyway'. I've always been opposite - I buy myself the clearance t-shirts and pants at the discount store, and my kids are well dressed and are very warm in the winter. It completely baffles my mother. I think at some level she takes offense at it because she thinks I'm trying to show her up or something.

I do need to get out from her...it's not easy since my dad is the same and they tag team me all the time. Also, being a single parent, I do rely on them for emergency things (babysitting if I have an exam and a kid is sick for instance) so it's hard to stand up to them, because then they look for subtle ways of getting me back. I think you probably understand what I mean by that. Having controlling parents certainly is crazy-making. I'm hoping once I graduate and get a job I can move a little further away (I moved to be close to them after my divorce - at their insistence. Long story, but it was a colossal mistake and now I'm stuck until graduation.)

[Avalux]

13. Congrats on school and graduating - I'm happy to hear that!

You sound like a great mom and you're going to move on and be self-sufficient for your family - if you need to move away then do it. Now you know that living close to your parents, although it has its advantages, keeps you from blossoming into who you can be. Our mothers sound so similar - doing something nice with conditions attached IS controlling. The best thing I ever did was to move 1500 miles away. I've raised 3 daughters on my own, at times with very little money or support but I have learned to do things my way without my mom (and my dad) looking over my shoulder criticizing everything I do. I wouldn't have had it any other way.

A ray of hope - once I refused to put up with my mom's 'conditions', she backed down and our relationship got better. The hardest part is being able to get to a place where you're not emotionally sucked in anymore and don't feel guilty about telling her to butt out.

[laundry_queen]

15. Thanks, I should be done at the end of June.

If I can get into all the courses I need (these last few courses are tough to get into, they fill up so fast!)

I think living far away would be ideal. I lived far away for most of my adult life until my divorce. I only moved closer because of promises made on their part to help me out (they reneged on everything they promised) and having lived away from them for 15 years at that point, I forgot what they were like! lol, my fault.

I can't move too far away this time because I have to stay close enough that my ex can still see the kids (he lives 6 hours away). There's a clause in our separation agreement about where I can live. Still, right now I'm 3 min away. 20 min away would be an improvement! lol!

[pipi_k]

10. Would it be possible

to cash in the certificate and use the money at another store to buy you both a pair of boots, or whatever?

Or maybe find something relatively inexpensive, buy it, then when you get your change, go somewhere else for the footwear...


That would be a cold day in hell when I would spend that much on a pair of boots for myself, never mind a kid, whose feet will likely outgrow them within a year.

My first husband's mom used to buy my kids really nice clothes for Christmas. Expensive, even though she was not rich herself. I thought it was ridiculous, as, not unexpectedly, they outgrew those beautiful clothes by the next Christmas.

[laundry_queen]

12. My daughter's feet haven't grown in 4 years

Lol, so she won't be outgrowing these boots (she's 16). But, I always bought my kids nice clothing because I had a system where I bought on sale, then sold them on ebay afterwards. I ended up spending the same amount on high end clothing that I would've spent if I'd have bought their clothes at walmart. If they stained them or something that made it hard for them to sell, I just passed it on to the next kid (I have 4 girls, which makes passing clothes down pretty easy, lol).

Even though I have no issues buying high end for the kids, yes $150 boots for anyone seems ridiculous to me. I haven't spent more than $30 on boots for myself or the kids in more than 10 years. You can get pretty nice boots for that price if you know where to look.

I thought about trying to cash the card in but I don't think you can. Also, they won't give you change, just a balance on the card if you buy something inexpensive. My other option is to try to sell the card for cash on something like Craigslist but generally you won't get the full balance when you do that.

[magical thyme]

14. boots for the kid first

and if you get lucky and hit end-of-season sales, then boots for her and you. Or more.

But from reading above, you figured it out already.

[laundry_queen]

16. :) thanks, yeah I figured it out before I hit post. Just needed some validation! nt

[NV Whino]

19. if you want to be really sneaky...

Buy boots for yourself. Show your mother. Return boots and buy a pair for your daughter.

[laundry_queen]

23. I like how you think! nt

[riderinthestorm]

30. +1. I've done that (and it works). However, I have another suggestion for you laundry queen

Have you looked at the store's website?

I've found that most high end stores actually carry a TON of other gear on their website that's dramatically discounted because its not selling at other stores.

Its actually quite possible to find a couple pairs of high quality boots - a set for you and your daughter with the $150 by shopping online.

[laundry_queen]

31. It says on the gift card it's not good for online - in store only :( nt

[riderinthestorm]

32. Well that's completely bogus. Oh well. So take the sneaky route

Buy a sample pair for your mum to inspect that are high quality and fashionable.

Return. Buy discounted boots for yourself and your daughter.

[laundry_queen]

35. I think that's the route I'll have to take. Thanks. :) nt

[riderinthestorm]

37. Unfortunately been there, done that. Good luck nt

[Wounded Bear]

20. Send the card back to your mom...

with a note attached:

Since you know best how to use this, you should have it.

[laundry_queen]

24. Good one.

I don't think I'm brave enough for that just yet though.

[Wounded Bear]

26. I was being a bit snarky, but...

sometimes parents have to learn to let go.

Having said that, it does appear that she might think you're sacrificing too much for your kids and not taking care of yourself. But sending advice/demands with a gift is rather tacky, any way you slice it. That's not a gift, it's a pre-payment on something.

[laundry_queen]

33. I think it's just

we have different ideas of what constitutes 'caring' for ourselves. My mom is ALL about the appearance. For her, taking care of herself means getting laser facelifts and buying clothes and shoes. I prefer a good stick of incense, a fancy coffee and a good book. Plus, she was one of those parents who thinks that her kids should accommodate her at all times, and I'm the type who thinks if I'm going to have kids, I'm going to shape my life to accommodate them. She totally doesn't understand it (as mentioned, she's a narcissist - a subtle one, but a narcissist nonetheless). But, she's not direct enough to let me know what she's feeling or thinking. Everything with her is an insinuation or a hint. You must learn to read between the lines. Hence the gift with strings. Translation is basically, "your boots are ugly and dirty. I'm tired of seeing them and I don't want to be seen with you in those boots, so here's a generous gift card so you can get new boots so I can feel better."

[dawg]

25. I, too, would rather spend the money on my children than to buy something for myself.

Especially if that something were a luxury item that I didn't really feel like I needed. You sound like a really great woman. I hope the sky opens up someday, and all the blessings of the universe pour down on you.

[laundry_queen]

34. You are too sweet.

[madmom]

27. Buy a pair for you that just happens to be

something your daughter likes and will be able to wear! Easy peasy!

[laundry_queen]

36. We're not the same size

my daughter has skinny little feet, and I have Fred Flinstone feet, LOL. We're one whole size and width apart.

[madmom]

42. Does your mom know this? I would buy for my daughter and

let mom think they were for me. If she finds out, tell her daughter needed them more. I wouldn't outright lie, just show her the boots you bought without telling her who they were for. If she asks then explain.

[laundry_queen]

43. yeah she does.

But good idea - don't say much, just show. thanks!

[elleng]

28. This IS a really horrible problem.

Help your daughter (and tell your mother that I and other DUers support you behaving as a mother SHOULD.)

I'm sorry about her wrath, and do understand something of it; escaped from my husband (separated) to get out of such situation.

VERY sorry about this predicament, queen.



edit: Similar sizes, by any chance? Use card for daughter, whose boots could also be for you.

[laundry_queen]

38. Yeah, my ex is the same too

Worse, actually. I didn't see red flags because I thought it was all normal. Thankfully, he's my ex, and I'm now very aware of red flags.

Thanks for the hug.

Sadly, my daughter is a whole size and width smaller than me for shoes. She has tiny feet. Heck all of her is tiny. My 13 year old has far surpassed her (and me!) in height and shoe size, lol. I think I'm going to try the gift receipt thing or the buy nice ones then return them thing.

[rug]

29. Buy a sock. Tell her where to put it.

[laundry_queen]

39. LOL that made me laugh. :) nt

[blogslut]

40. There are sites that allow you to sell/trade your gift cards

Such as: http://www.cardpool.com/

I can't speak for the reliability of that site but there it is.

Also, you can get some amazing brand-name shoes and boots here, for 15 bucks a pair: http://15dollarstore.com/c/shoes/3642636936893873

[laundry_queen]

41. Cool, thanks

I don't think the cardpool thing will work for me, since I'm in Canada. BUT that shoe place DOES ship to Canada, so I'm going on over to have a look! Thanks!!

[TexasBushwhacker]

44. You can list it on Ebay

Go on Ebay and see if anyone else is listing cards from the shop so you can get an idea of how popular they are.