The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support ForumsI have been in an abusive relationship for 1.5 years
Today I walked out.
There is nothing he can say or do to get me to go back.
Last year, he hit me in the face and broke my eye glasses.
Last week, he tripped and made me fall.
Every day, he instigates a fight.
Every day, he has something mean to say.
He has never, not once granted me even the smallest of requests--and of course that means I get none of the big stuff I ask for either.
I may not have anywhere to go, but I'm not going back to a worthless POS like him.
PoliticAverse
(26,366 posts)Viva_La_Revolution
(28,791 posts)nobody should be abused. find the number for your local crisis line, they can help you with shelter and other help.
benld74
(9,909 posts)Bucky
(54,065 posts)I was just going over some of the statements at Project Unbreakable to present to my HS kids in a power point. It's men and women sharing what their attackers said to them while perpetrating sex and abuse crimes. Possibly, Millie, you shouldn't look at it if your wounds are still fresh, but it's a powerful reminder that domestic violence and cruelty is all around us.
Good luck. Don't go through this alone, by the way. You need a support group. Humans are biologically designed by evolution to find healing in social groups. And congratulations on being strong enough to confront the madness and seek out the better something you deserve.
Tuesday Afternoon
(56,912 posts)If there is anything I can do to help you or, if you just need some one to listen, let me know.
Take care of You.
Raffi Ella
(4,465 posts)I'm so sorry he did that to you, MM and I'm so glad to know that you are away from him. You deserve so much better.
siligut
(12,272 posts)He will try to get you back. The only thing you owe him is a kick in the face, but of course you won't do that. You are finally free, it will take some work but it will be worth it. Good luck you are going to be so much more than fine.
KamaAina
(78,249 posts)If only I were still in New England...
Boom Sound 416
(4,185 posts)And I hope if you find yourself in doubt, you'll come back and read this thread.
Xyzse
(8,217 posts)There are resources for individuals looking to get out of an abusive relationship.
Around the MD area, I would recommend the Bernie House.
Any how, strength and luck to you.
shenmue
(38,506 posts)I am proud of you.
ismnotwasm
(42,008 posts)Skittles
(153,193 posts)good for you, and may I ask, was this the first abusive relationship you had
While I've been w/ plenty of men I would call inconsiderate, this is the first one that has been blatantly abusive.
Skittles
(153,193 posts)you have experience now, and know better when to bail; yes indeed
now be good to yourself
steve2470
(37,457 posts)JNelson6563
(28,151 posts)Hugs & encouragement!
Julie
Sanity Claws
(21,852 posts)I remember when I left a bad relationship. Within days it felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I hope you feel that too. Without that extra burden, you will feel more energetic and be able to move forward in your life.
I truly wish you all the best.
hamsterjill
(15,224 posts)It is HIS loss.
The best of luck to you!
raccoon
(31,119 posts)lillypaddle
(9,581 posts)But in the long run, it will work out for you. Stay strong, stay safe. Find a support group with others in your same position. Don't look back and don't blame yourself.
Lochloosa
(16,068 posts)And for those so inclined a donation cash or goods for their thrift store always helps.
CaliforniaPeggy
(149,699 posts)Good for you!
You have taken a powerful step.
I am really glad you're taking care of yourself.
Sherman A1
(38,958 posts)AAO
(3,300 posts)Unless you have horns and breath fire and can't use a litter box.
Solly Mack
(90,785 posts)Is there a shelter for women in your town?
If so, go.
Stay strong. Stay away from him. Keep us posted.
I'll be thinking of you.
libodem
(19,288 posts)They don't change even if they promise the world.
Response to MissMillie (Original post)
libodem This message was self-deleted by its author.
Ilsa
(61,698 posts)Please, please, don't go back. I used to do volunteer work at a shelter. If you can't afford to be on your own yet, find a shelter or friends to stay with.
Please get the help you need, and let him get his own help. I'm sure the contrite talk is just around the corner. Please don't listen to it or believe it.
Hugs and good luck.
Chalco
(1,308 posts)if and when he calls or approaches you, act as if he doesn't exist. Do not react at all. any
emotional reaction, positive or negative, keeps the relationship going.
sharp_stick
(14,400 posts)I hope all goes well. Leaving a situation like that is an important first step in getting you back in control of your life.
handmade34
(22,757 posts)don't be hesitant to ask for help if you need it...
GoCubsGo
(32,088 posts)Stay safe.
Drew Richards
(1,558 posts)some of us can help we will...
Drew.
roody
(10,849 posts)Jack Rabbit
(45,984 posts)Best wishes on the first day of the rest of your life.
crim son
(27,464 posts)Please stay strong.
randr
(12,414 posts)Go back. 99% of these asswipes escalate the level of violence each time the victim gives in. I hope you can find a sage haven, maybe with an old friend; if not every community has a safe house and support for women in your situation.
Love yourself.
catbyte
(34,447 posts)without that creep.
IronLionZion
(45,528 posts)Stand strong and love yourself.
Ino
(3,366 posts)sobenji
(316 posts)I'm sorry and hope it works out for you.
Nobody should be abused.
LanternWaste
(37,748 posts)I can only imagine how difficult it must have been to stay, and how much more difficult it must have been to leave. I'm confident though, that your present shock and feelings of displacement will soon turn to a peace of mind and balance with yourself.
For all it's worth, you have my sincerest and best thoughts coming at you over the course of the next few months.
lunatica
(53,410 posts)Good for you. And may your life improve exponentially!
yesphan
(1,588 posts)Congrats on making this positive, life changing move.
RainDog
(28,784 posts)Last edited Wed Apr 2, 2014, 06:14 PM - Edit history (1)
I say that to tell you to take care of yourself. Contact the local shelter for abused women to find a place to stay, if needed, and to meet with people who can help you establish yourself apart from the abuser and provide a place where you cannot be contacted.
If he calls, let any call go to messages. If he leaves any threats on your phone messages, save these. If you take court action against him, the calls will show that he is a threat.
Abusers, the stories go, are most dangerous when the person they abused has walked out because they feel desperate. People who feel desperate can do stupid things - and people whose way of being in this world includes abuse will often resort to such.
Even if you do not need to stay at a shelter, if you contact one, they can provide phone numbers for many of the agencies you may find useful in the near future.
No one deserves to be abused.
Excellent advice.
And here's a hug for you, Miss Millie.
Best wishes,
LE
stg81
(351 posts)SaveOurDemocracy
(4,400 posts)...woman like you.
Stay strong and please let us know if you need help.
Ichingcarpenter
(36,988 posts)you may not be able to break the co dependency cycle of these psychic vampires.
You made a great step.
When it comes to interpersonal relationships we often see control games, jealousy, and envy which is obviously not love, but expressions and behaviors based on fear and need.
Love is related to emotions and feelings, but they can be merely based on chemical reactions in the brain that result in a high, where people feed off each other which is also be the basis for psychic vampirism. Many relationships are based on this feeding mechanism, which has nothing to do with love, but is a parasitic need resulting in co-dependance. Sexual attraction is also mistaken for love at times. Many people get into relationships for the wrong reasons, be it to escape their loneliness, to fill a hole in their lives or feed off another person. For the most part this happens unconsciously and so people tend to lie to themselves about love and their relationships in many ways, not seeing the other person as he/she is and not even seeing themselves clearly as they are.
To truly love another person we need to see the other as he/she is without trying to change that person. That is the basis for unconditional love, but for that to happen we also need to know ourselves and see us as we truly are , so we dont fall into the trap of illusory projections which only result in disappointment and hurt once the romantic phase is over.
mountain grammy
(26,648 posts)I put up with it for 13 years.. young, dumb, and two kids, but I got out. It's been 33 years and the boys and I have never regretted it for a second, even when we sold furniture to pay bills. I was far from my family, but had great friends.. lucky for me.
Somewhere near you, there's help, don't be too proud to ask. It'll get better, I promise.
I took a lot, but I knew when the asshole voted for Reagan, I was walking.
Response to MissMillie (Original post)
Post removed
toby jo
(1,269 posts)I had one, too, once. Sexy as hell & I swear just as evil. The look in his eyes when he hit me once I'll never forget.
Then they swear they'll change, they promise, they plead, they come back and are good, and then they snap again.
He'll be in jail before long, where he belongs, feeding off his own kind.
LiberalLovinLug
(14,176 posts)Best of luck going forward
TBF
(32,090 posts)I want you to check in here every day. It doesn't matter if it's the lounge or just PMing someone here that you like or rec'cing a post. I want to know that you are OK. Deal?
(doing what my brother did to me - it works)
Rider3
(919 posts)Don't ever let someone hurt you. You deserve much better.
In_The_Wind
(72,300 posts)Phentex
(16,334 posts)Of course you did the right thing, even though I am sure it was not easy. Please stay safe and let us know if we can help you in any way.
marzipanni
(6,011 posts)and I was shaking. The page, linked to Upworthy on Facebook, had this message below the video-
"If you're in an abusive situation, visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline's website or call at 800-799-7233."
I hope you have family and/or friends for a place to stay, but I think it would be a good idea, as some others have said, to talk to a counselor.
mwdem
(4,031 posts)I think you got a divorce when you started out here? Please take care and find the help you need. So sorry this happened to you, glad you got out.
Blue Owl
(50,495 posts)You did the right thing!
Initech
(100,102 posts)gwheezie
(3,580 posts)and your life will change because of it. I had to leave everything once, best decision I ever made.
CFLDem
(2,083 posts)I wish you all the best
DrewFlorida
(1,096 posts)R B Garr
(16,975 posts)but you made the right decision. Take care of yourself. I've really enjoyed your lounge posts about the food polls. You seem like a really nice person that would be a pleasure to know.
pipi_k
(21,020 posts)It will be difficult but you can do it
The way I got through the same type of thing was whenever my mind played tricks on me...i.e. Trying to romanticize the past...I would consciously dredge up every mean and rotten thing they ever did or said to me, then I had to convince myself that it would only keep happening if I took him back...which was true
Oh, and I also read "Men Who Hate Women And The Women Who Love Them". It was incredibly helpful for one especially bad relationship
Stay strong...
Mnemosyne
(21,363 posts)Joe Shlabotnik
(5,604 posts)and good luck moving forward.
Liberal_in_LA
(44,397 posts)niyad
(113,552 posts)all been excellent, and I hope you will be able to use it. as others have suggested, please check in so that we know you are okay. and, if you need a ready ear, do not hesitate to pm me.
we are all pulling for you, and wishing you every possible success.
mythology
(9,527 posts)And thank you for sharing your story. There are many who need to be reminded that it's not just okay, but you deserve to walk away from an abusive relationship.
Nobody has the right to abuse their significant other.
Generic Brad
(14,275 posts)And I applaud you for realizing you don't deserve to be hurt - ever.
tandot
(6,671 posts)My mom was beat severely by my dad for years. We kids watched in horror. My sister got physically and sexually abused, too. I was younger and mostly spared because I was too sick to beat and abuse.
My mom still has pictures of her bruised face and body. That was over 40 years ago. My sister still has emotional and physical scars of the abuse.
I've dumped any guy I dated that I thought had potential to turn into an abuser.
My mom divorced when I was 6 and is married to a fantastic guy... a man that I call dad ... My biological "father" died in 1989 ... I wish I could have confronted him about the abuse but he died before I was brave enough.
Please stay strong and know that you deserve so much better.
Sarah Ibarruri
(21,043 posts)I'm glad you left!!! Are there any groups in your area that shelter abused women?
colorado_ufo
(5,737 posts)And NEVER look back!
MrMickeysMom
(20,453 posts)I guess it was time to put the lid on this, so we're here for you.
I think you've gotten great advice, but the main thing is
BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. You are going to be the only one who can love you the best. All love is self-love.
Then, the healing will begin that you need.
Jenoch
(7,720 posts)I wish you luck. I don't have anything to add but I will say that I hope you go to great efforts in seeking assistance for the help you need to get your life miving forward in a positive direction. Godspeed.
eggplant
(3,913 posts)I'm proud of you.
dem in texas
(2,674 posts)I don't know where you are, but you need to get in touch with a women's shelter. Even if you don't go there, they are great resource for other options and help that you can get. About 15 years ago, a young programmer where I worked left her abusive husband and she and her 5 year old son lived with us for about 2 months until she could get on her feet. We knew a good family lawyer and got her in to see him and she filed for divorce. We had to lock the doors at work and call the police on one occasion because her husband was coming around and making threats against all the employees. Don't give up or get discouraged. I know the way will be hard for you, but the alternative is living your life with a bully and if you have children, they will have to see how he treats you and you don't want that. Good luck to you and let us know how you are getting along.
blkmusclmachine
(16,149 posts)DeSwiss
(27,137 posts)[center]This Moment, Now, Is The Most Important For Us
Our suffering stems from ignorance. We react because we do not know what we are doing, because we do not know the reality of ourselves. The mind spends most of the time lost in fantasies and illusions, reliving pleasant or unpleasant experiences and anticipating the future with eagerness or fear. While lost in such cravings or aversions, we are unaware of what is happening now, what we are doing now. Yet surely this moment, now, is the most important for us. We cannot live in the past; it is gone. Nor can we live in the future; it is forever beyond our grasp. We can live only in the present. If we are unaware of our present actions, we are condemned to repeating the mistakes of the past and can never succeed in attaining our dreams for the future. But if we can develop the ability to be aware of the present moment, we can use the past as a guide for ordering our actions in the future, so that we may attain our goal. ~S.N. Goenka [/center]
eridani
(51,907 posts)If not, google info on women's shelters.
DesertDiamond
(1,616 posts)I looked for an emoticon for "I'm happy dancing for you!" I guess this is it:
LuvNewcastle
(16,856 posts)If he comes near you again, get a restraining order, and if he breaks it, have him arrested. Do not play with this man. I'm so proud of you for leaving.
democrank
(11,104 posts)Stay strong and reach out for support.
~PEACE~
Nanjing to Seoul
(2,088 posts)nikto
(3,284 posts)America needs to do the same as you and
walk out on the abusive GOP.
Maraya1969
(22,497 posts)Arugula Latte
(50,566 posts)Best of luck to you, Miss M, and good for you!
nikto
(3,284 posts)If you ever have to talk to him again, make sure there is a 3rd person present,
and maybe even a hidden camera.
Just MHO.
Android3.14
(5,402 posts)The community should force men who hit women to leave their villages and travel alone for the rest of their days.
I hope you connect with a domestic abuse advocacy network. Take care.
Shankapotomus
(4,840 posts)than someone freeing themselves from the prison of relying on someone like that...congratulations...keep going, Millie...and don't look back. If you have yourself, you have everything.
AsahinaKimi
(20,776 posts)Shelter Services for Woman.. funny that I no longer see it listed but there is ths:
http://www.safehavenshelter.org/events/
I hope it is helpful for you. My best wishes..
Triana
(22,666 posts)He won't change. You have to make the change. If you return, he'll get worse - until he lands you in the hospital- or worse. And he'll know he can manipulate you. Don't let him do that anymore.
I hope you can find somewhere safe to go and stay a while. I hope you can maintain no contact whatsoever with him (phone, email, texts, visits) - cut him off completely and for good if you can. It's the only way.
You don't deserve the way he treats you. You did not cause it. His behavior is HIS behavior. He chose it, not you. Nothing you do will change it. You have to protect yourself. It's hard giving up a dream - or realizing it wasn't real. It's hard choosing yourself over someone you loved and whom you thought loved you. But in the end you have to protect yourself, above all.
http://www.verbalabuse.com
http://www.youarenotcrazy.com
http://www.escapeabuse.com
Demo_Chris
(6,234 posts)bigwillq
(72,790 posts)Never go back.
You are strong. You are beautiful. You deserve better.
I am so sorry this happened, but it's time to take back your life.
I believe in you.
secondwind
(16,903 posts)walk out, especially if there are children, etc.
Start your life fresh and new, and put your face to the sun... This was not your fault .
llmart
(15,552 posts)I can't add much to what's already been said except for to tell you that you are courageous. It takes incredible courage to leave sometimes, but be thankful you didn't waste any more of your years on that POS (great terminology, by the way).
If you feel like it, you can PM me and I'll tell you my personal story. It took me way too long to see that I was in an abusive relationship because he didn't do the obvious physical things like hit me. His was more subtle and of course in his mind not "abuse". There was a tremendous amount of emotional/verbal abuse though. I don't want to go into too many specific details, but I do know that other women's stories helped me tremendously, so I will be there for you if you feel yourself backsliding at all.
No matter how difficult you may think it is right now, you WILL GET THROUGH IT and you will come out on the other side a stronger woman. It won't happen overnight, but it will happen.
Take care.
riqster
(13,986 posts)mopinko
(70,215 posts)after 32 years and 4 kids, he is finally leaving a week from saturday.
a wonderful person most of the time, but the meanest asshole ever the rest of it. now sucked into a sick, psychopathic company, and drowning. i did my best, i can do no more.
just another greedy bastard who put money above love and now wonders what happened.
just keep moving forward. the only way forward it through.
mfcorey1
(11,001 posts)Iwillnevergiveup
(9,298 posts)Your post has gotten a lot of deserved attention. You have made a choice that will benefit you for the rest of your life. Day by day, you will clearly see that as you experience safety and serenity. I applaud your courage and wish you only the best. Please check back and let us know how your new life is progressing. You know how we love good news here!
Nay
(12,051 posts)that has been denied you for however many years you have lived with this abuser. A box under a bridge is better than what you have been enduring.
You do have a shelter to go to, or a friend's couch, something like that?
JustAnotherGen
(31,879 posts)After you leave is when the abuser is most dangerous.
MissMillie
(38,579 posts)and I'm not going to tell him.
A friend from work is putting me up for the time being.
JustAnotherGen
(31,879 posts)Omnith
(171 posts)magical thyme
(14,881 posts)and please stay in touch and keep us updated on your situation.
Good for you for getting out now, before it's too late!!!!
cui bono
(19,926 posts)Be strong and just ignore him if he contacts you. Stay out no matter what he promises you or if he threatens you. It will only get worse.
You are worth more than that and you deserve to have it.