Welcome to DU!
The truly grassroots left-of-center political community where regular people, not algorithms, drive the discussions and set the standards.
Join the community:
Create a free account
Support DU (and get rid of ads!):
Become a Star Member
Latest Breaking News
General Discussion
The DU Lounge
All Forums
Issue Forums
Culture Forums
Alliance Forums
Region Forums
Support Forums
Help & Search
The DU Lounge
Related: Culture Forums, Support Forums75 Things To Do If Your Menstrual Cup Is Stuck Inside You
http://www.buzzfeed.com/erinchack/things-that-happen-when-you-realize-your-mentrual-cup-isThe directions literally say dont panic. Lol.
1. Deny the fact that your menstrual cup is unreachable and continue to claw at your insides like a panicked raccoon.
2. Slowly allow the sour wave of fear to rise up through body when you finally accept that it is, in fact, stuck inside of you.
3. Quietly despair.
4. Shake it off because you have to be at work in an hour.
5. Switch to your non-dominant hand and retry the raccoon thing.
6. Stare blankly at the bathroom floor tiles for a moment while contemplating the meaning of life.
7. Try again standing up.
8. Try again sitting down.
9. Decide to take a shower. A nice, warm, relaxing shower.
10. Try again squatting in the shower.
11. Try again sitting on the edge of the tub.
12. Try again standing with one leg propped up on the faucet.
13. Curse water for making things more slippery than they already are.
14. Turn off the water and stand motionless in the shower until you are shivering and really feeling the weight of the predicament youve gotten yourself into.
15. Consider for a moment leaving it stuck up there, moving to a new city, finding a new job, and starting a new life.
16. Realize that none of that will change the fact that you have a menstrual cup stuck inside your body.
17. Emerge from the bathroom and locate your live-in boyfriend.
18. Explain to your live-in boyfriend that the menstrual cup you were so excited to use has betrayed you and now you both have to move to California and change your names.
19. Accept a hug while realizing this is as far as his help can go.
20. Say good-bye to your live-in boyfriend and return to your bathroom lairthis is your home now.
21. Read the directions on the box.
22. Scoff at the part that says If you cant remove your cup, DO NOT PANIC.
23. And then gasp at the part that says Unless its been 12 hours.
24. Do the math.
25. Realize its been 13 hours.
26. Panic.
27. Text your best friend.
28. Attempt to give birth to your cup, as she suggests.
29. Literally picture yourself in a delivery room with your friends and family coaching you to push your first-born child out of your body, except instead of a child its a menstrual cup and instead of a delivery room its a toilet and instead of your friends and family its bottles of shampoo.
30. Nearly give yourself an aneurism doing this for a few minutes.
31. Check if it worked.
32. Give up.
33. Cry a little.
34. Exit your bathroom/lair/new home.
35. Locate your live-in boyfriend again.
36. Jokingly ask if hes interested in going on a reconnaissance mission for a missing POW.
37. Look at each other more seriously than youve ever looked at each other before.
38. Realize theres no way this will work.
39. Laugh so hard you cry.
40. Decide that the menstrual cup is so far lost that it must be pressing on a part of your brain that controls your sanity.
41. Retreat to your bathroom lair.
42. Locate the tweezers.
43. Consider the downsides.
44. Sterilize the tweezers.
45. Insert the tweezers less than a millimeter into your vagina before deciding this is the worst idea youve ever had in your entire life.
46. Curse the tweezers.
47. Curse the menstrual cup.
48. Curse menstruation.
49. Curse existence.
50. Jump up and down in an attempt to jiggle it free.
51. Massage your belly in a downward motion in an attempt to coax it from the outside.
52. Consider asking it nicely to come out.
53. Consider casting a magical spell.
54. Consider smoking it out.
55. Accept the fact that you wont be making it to work on time today.
56. Send the worlds vaguest email to your (male) boss.
57. Take a breakyouve earned it, champ!
58. Eat a bowl of frosted mini wheats and watch bad morning TV in your underwear.
59. Think about how youre going to word this to your gynecologist.
60. Think about how youre going to word this in your obituary because youre too scared to call your gynecologist.
61. Perform a series of deep-relaxation breathing exercises while lying on your living room floor until youre pleasantly lightheaded.
62. Return, one final time, to your bathroom lair.
63. Light a prayer candle.
64. Use the extinguished match to draw an X on your lower stomach.
65. Lean over the sink, look at yourself in the mirror, and mouth the words Its go time.
66. Sing a happy song to relax yourself for your final attempt to remove the cup.
67. Seriously, like, actually relax this time. Like, for real. Actually do it.
68. Im serious, relax.
69. Take a breath, dig deep, and grip the stem of the menstrual cup.
70. Begin weeping with relief when you realize the goddess Aphrodite has taken mercy on your vagina.
71. Wiggle the cup from side to side until, like the sword from the stone, it shakes free from your vaginal clutches.
72. Emerge from your bathroom, cup full oblood in hand, and announce to your live-in boyfriendnay, the UNIVERSEthat you are the RULER of your own vagempire.
73. Take a victory shot of your own period blood and spike the cup on the ground like a football player who just scored the game-winning touchdown.
74. (That last one was a metaphor.)
75. Stick that baby back in you and run to the subwayyoure late for work!
Damn, I'm glad I never tried that method.
InfoView thread info, including edit history
TrashPut this thread in your Trash Can (My DU » Trash Can)
BookmarkAdd this thread to your Bookmarks (My DU » Bookmarks)
0 replies, 2901 views
ShareGet links to this post and/or share on social media
AlertAlert this post for a rule violation
PowersThere are no powers you can use on this post
EditCannot edit other people's posts
ReplyReply to this post
EditCannot edit other people's posts
Rec (0)
ReplyReply to this post