It's one month today since my first love (and only real love so far) lost his fight with addiction

[antigone382]

Last edited Wed Jan 14, 2015, 07:05 PM - Edit history (1)

His name was Eric. He was thirty.

And Sunday marks eight years since my friend Karen (who happened to be the love of *his* life) was killed in a car accident, at the age of 20. And that's just the tip of the iceberg. I can name more people who died under the age of 40 than I can stand; and most of them died during this time of year. The irony is that I love snow and ice and the harsh and subtle beauty of winter. But it keeps killing my friends.

But I digress. He never got over losing her, and I won't go into all the personal details because they just aren't mine to share, but I will always believe that if she had lived he would have stood a chance of breaking out of all the addictions and demons that plagued him. He od'd alone in his room, and while I had feared that day for seven years, I had not prepared for it at all.

To mark the passage of Eric and those before, I'm sharing a few songs that mean a lot to me because they relate in some way to him.

Here's a pair of songs that remind me of Eric, just because they just do.

He loved the Foo Fighters' album "In Your Honor," especially "Best of You"

Eric and I were working at Bonnaroo in 2009, and watched the final performance of Nine Inch Nails in America (supposedly). We were standing somewhere in the crowd while this video of "Hurt," the final song of the concert, was being recorded. Sad to think how prophetic it was, in some ways.

[applegrove]

1. Vibes and hugs.

[antigone382]

2. Thank you applegrove...

I take comfort in knowing that the way he went is one of the most peaceful and pleasant ways to die, as tragic as it is for those left behind.

Eric was an extraordinarily smart, attractive, funny, engaging and accepting person. He made a lot of mistakes (anyone with the kinds of addictions he was always fighting with would), but he really loved the people in his life, and always made a sincere effort to repair relationships that he had damaged. We lived several states away, but had stayed in touch now and then over the years. His last message to me was to tell me how happy he was to see that I was doing well (I'm realizing that he probably ended our relationship largely because he believed he would just drag me down).

I thought I was no longer in love with him...right now I don't know whether I was or wasn't; I guess you never fully get over someone you have invested yourself in to that degree. All I know is I miss him terribly. Whether as a friend or more, I loved him very dearly and he deserved it.

[applegrove]

3. Nice that you two 'were good'. Nice that he still has good friends on earth who

will remember him and think of him often.

[gashaleon]

4. re

will like to know more

[In_The_Wind]

5. I'm sorry for the pain you are feeling now. May Eric rest in peace.

[antigone382]

7. Thank you

It's my practice to grieve fully, and to pull the maximum sense of meaning and purpose that I can out of loss. It was largely because of my experiences with Karen and Eric that I went on to get the education that changed my life. Since then I have been looking for some inspiration and insight into my next step.

After losing Eric and several other friends of mine to self-destructive behaviors, and spending some time learning more about the real crisis of addiction and overdose plaguing this country right now, I'm seriously considering a career in the field of addiction counseling. I know I'll always be unsatisfied in that work, because it's too late to save the person I most wanted to see saved, but at the very least I will know that in some sense his death was not in vain.

[Arugula Latte]

6. I'm very sorry.

I don't have any words of wisdom, but

[antigone382]

8. No worries, thank you for your kindness.

I have what I consider a disproportionate amount of experience dealing with death for someone my age, and while this is in many ways my most painful loss, I know that on the other side I will come out of it living my life with more purpose. I believe that we honor those we have lost by adopting the qualities you loved most about them, and trying to contribute as much good to the world as they would have if they had lived.