I got ripped and I didn't deserve it. I got hurt bad.
I am so hurt, deeply hurt.
Mrs. Venation has a friend back home in east Tennessee, Doug. He is a professional musician and music teacher. He and Kathy were reunited on facebook after 40 years and became close. I met him at Christmas. We hit it off. We've traded messages and statuses on facebook and have had fun.
Yesterday I posted this photo for Mrs. V. "Far" translates to "fire." Her brother, Woody, as big a redneck* as ever there was, pronounced fire this way. It became a great joke in the family. I knew she'd laugh. (Here's the post on facebook. Hope the link works. http://tinyurl.com/pasvj6v)
Back to Doug. He posted off-topic to ask about my progress in re-learning to play the guitar. He had some suggestions. I replied, he replied, I replied, and then I went to bed. We discussed my progress, his suggestions that I learn blues scales patterns and that I build a repertoire of oldies and entertain folks at nursing homes (he does this at his mom's home and loves it, loves what it does for the folks). He further said among other things that if I'm paying more than $30/hour for lessons he's going to kick my ass. I begged him not to, said my teacher was very good, mentioned that he had brought his Les Paul to a lesson and played it for me, etc. (In the recent past I have waxed rhapsodic about my new Martin.)
I ended my last reply with, "I think I could give them (folks at nursing homes) a good time. I just have to pick the songs and practice. Thank you, sweetie. I am open to any advice, ideas, or suggestions!" Then I went to bed.
This morning I got this:
Doug: You seem to be really caught up in the brands of the instruments and that is important if you are going to play professionally. Les Paul is a wonderful instrument and the Martin Company makes outstanding instruments as well. Very nice, expensive guitars. All that is great and good and wonderful but look at what Willie Nelson does with that beat up, banged up old guitar he plays. The name brand of your axe really isn't important. It's what the person behind it is doing with it. I can't remember the name of the first guitar I owned. There was a lot of distance between the strings and the fret board. I was going thru my first divorce and wanted a guitar to learn to play. Going to lose my blues in this new instrument. I mentioned it was hard to play and this longtime guitar player, now deceased, told me, "boy, if you can learn to play this guitar, you can pick-up and play any guitar." He was right. Every guitar after that instrument has been easy to play after learning on one that made you work to get the notes or chords to speak.
Be careful hanging around these choir people. I know from experience that many involved in city choir and orchestra members have a very pretentious air about them regardless if they can back it up or not. Don't let that "Bertha Better n Yew" attitude rub off on you. It can easily happen when one is around these type personalities. I've seen it happen with lesser symphonies such as Knoxville and Chattanooga. If they are THAT good then why aren't they with Chicago, Philly, or London? Don't let that person become you. They are ugly and the type of person people avoid. Stay humble.
If there is a question of your health or a performance with a choir, your health comes first. There will be many more performances. I makes no sense to suffer physically for a choral performance. Take care of yourself first.
Next, have you noticed how Kathy hasn't responded to this post? Have you noticed how some of your friends have responded to this post? Hair.... har. Are you superior to your mate? Do you not see how offensive that is to people of the South? Would you post something this offensive toward a gay person or a kitten or a person of another race or a whale? The "Firewood Nuts" post of the picture you made here in Clinton Tennessee was funny. It was Christmas. The establishment obviously had firewood and selling chestnuts for the holiday. This post has only one intent. That is to make yourself and some of your friends (har) feel superior.
This is not the person I met at Christmas. We obviously don't know each other at all. While I am not going to unfriend you, I am going to unfollow you for a couple of months. What I am seeing is a person that is no better than someone who makes a racial slur or a derogatory comment against lesbian marriage! I've only noticed this behavior since you started with this choir. You're just another person attempting to learn to play an instrument and just another voice in a choir. SNAP! Next. Easily replaced. Please reconsider your attitude. If this is the type of person music is turning you into, perhaps music isn't for you. Y'all come back now, ya hear?
I don't remember the last time I've been so hurt.
About the choir: I've sung all my life, and in January joined the Maryland Choral Society, the best group I've ever been with, with the best director I've ever had. I have posted a lot about it on facebook because I'm thrilled. But I do not have a single god damned pretentious bone in my body.
About his being insulted by the photo, my god, he couldn't be more wrong. Mrs. V. replied to his rant and gave him the context, but he dismissed her:
Doug: Sorry. I'm fixin' ta get a har cut and git ma teeth fixed. There ya go. Knock yourselves out.
That he wouldn't listen hurt even more. I can't believe that someone in this world thinks I'm racist, thinks I'm classist. I know him well enough to know that he had a moment of being kind; that's why he didn't simply post that he thinks I'm a stuck-up bitch.
I posted this just now:
Bertha: Doug, if you're out there at all, please read this. I have absolutely no idea whatsoever how you got the ideas you have about me. None whatsoever. This is not criticism but a fact: you could not be more wrong about me. I look forward to hearing from you when we can talk about this. We need to talk. I want very much to remain friends.
God, I hurt so badly. I can't believe this. Time will heal the hurt. Whether Doug and I can remain friends -- and I mean friends IRL, not just facebook -- remains to be seen.
* As LGBTQ came to own "queer," thus removing the power of the slur, Mrs. V. proudly owns the term "redneck." She is fond of saying, "I come from a long and distinguished line of rednecks!" She sometimes substitutes "white trash" (I come from white trash, too, so we don't have a mixed marriage 
).
= new reply since forum marked as read
So he thinks choir and orchestra people are "ugly and the type of person people avoid"???? They do it because they love it, not to be a showoff. Many people do not get that.
I've been in orchestras and choirs my whole life and at one point everybody I knew was a classical string player whose day job was programmer or mathematician. So if they're in "lesser orchestras" why aren't they in "Chicago, Philly, or London"??
Woah. Why aren't they in the big time orchestras? Because there is a helluva lot of competition for excellent classical musicians, that's why. Just because they're in a lesser orchestra does not imply they are not as good. When I was in excellent college and community orchestras, I think sometimes we were as good as the pros.
I was playing major symphonic repertoire and singing major choral repertoire in high school when I was 16, at music camp. After five weeks, one concert a week, our last concert was singing the Mozart Requiem, and then sitting down and playing Also Sprach Zarathustra by Richard Strauss. (first violin, which was divided into four parts) Your average high school kid does not sing and play pieces that hard. In college I played more difficult stuff than that, like Stravinsky(The Rite of Spring), Bartok(The Miraculous Mandarin) and Prokofief (7th Symphony). I am not bragging. I am stating facts. That is not bragging. I got the programs to prove it.
This hurts you like it hurt me when I went to a musicians convention and we did lots of singing after a week of convention. I played the tape for my dad and he said "Sounds like a bunch of ego to me". We were singing original stuff by the convention-goers.
He didn't get it. Looks like Doug doesn't get it either. When you want to perform, it's not about ego. It's about expressing the music. I didn't get paid for my years of singing and fiddling, and I really didn't do it for money. I did it because I loved it.
I know what you mean about singing in an excellent choir and being thrilled about it. I was in a Unitarian church choir once where the director was a graduate of Peabody, and he pulled out obscure things for us to sing on Sunday that were delightful, like the Brahms Liebeslieder waltzes in English with words like "My heart has lost its coolness". You can sing secular things in a UU church, which I loved to do. If it's good music, IT IS SACRED. Sacred/secular is an artificial distinction to my mind.
And Doug is so worried about brands of guitars, with an overtone of "you're too materialistic"? Well, a good instrument does make a difference. A huge difference. So he thinks you're supposed to struggle with getting a good sound out of a bad instrument? He doesn't get that either.
No, you don't have to have a five thousand dollar guitar, but there is a reason why people play Les Pauls, Gibsons, Martins, Fenders, Rickenbackers (John Lennon and Roger McGuinn played 12-string Ricks and got a great sound out of them). I have a Fender jazz bass tuned like a cello because I wanted to play along with my guitar playing husband, and I can't think in fourths. And using Willie Nelson as an example? He doesn't know exactly what the history of Willie's guitar is, and just because it's beaten up doesn't mean it's good, although I would assume that it is. Sting plays a very beaten-up bass with the finish worn off on the edges, so I assume the guts of it are still good. I can see why you're proud of your Martin.
He'd probably get on my case because I own four violins, one piano, one organ (it was my grandmother's when little old ladies took organ lessons and joined the organ club in small towns) and one synthesizer. Furthermore, I cannot figure out where one of them came from. I've racked my brain trying to figure that out. I think it wandered in off the street because it was lonely. 
One of them, which is a cheap student fiddle, I was keeping for a friend of my child, and don't know if I'll see the kid again, but that's OK.
He sounds poisonous by trying to insert materialism into having a good instrument and ego into wanting to perform. He sounds like he's trying to tell you what kind of attitude to have, and you don't have that attitude if you're a serious musician. I don't know you, but it sounds like you're a typical hardworking musician.
I may not be the most talented, the most proficient, have the best voice, but damn, I enjoy making music so much that sometimes I cry.
I am trying not to let Doug get me down.
Thank you. 
we all looked at each other and asked him what he was talking about. he said it was big deal and far men come from all over the state and set up roadblocks to close down roads. all the far men ran drills and did practices on how to put out fars. finally, we figured out what he was saying and we all laughed. mind you, he only lives about 50 miles up the road but, when I say UP, I mean UP !!!
I think he would laugh and find the humor in this sign.
maybe you could share this with Doug, if you think it will help matters.
good to see you, Bertha
I hope I get the chance to find out.
It is good to see you, too.
It seems that his preconceived notions triggered this mean, spiteful rant.
I'm sorry that he made you feel bad about something that you love. True friends don’t do that.
IMO, he’s a bully. You and Mrs. V are too good for that BS. 
back atcha. 
I agree with the others: this is about him, not you. And he is no friend.
However, maybe he will take some time to think about it and take what you have said to heart. If he can't do that, you have not lost a friend.
I'm sorry he did this. You do not deserve it!
I love this woman. 
I think he does have a problem with self esteem. I also think he has a problem with alcohol. 
In his favor are the facts that he moved back to Tennessee when he learned his mother had Alzheimer's, cared for her until she was too advanced to keep at home, and now visits her every day. Every day. And takes his guitar or plays their piano to entertain the residents every day. He is actually a man of great compassion. I hope he comes around because I miss who he was before he revealed this side.
and hopefully will work out to everyone's favor. Until that time, ignore what you can, and try not to take his negatives to heart, BV.
His remarks bothered me for a number of reasons. For one thing, I know a lot of "these choir people" as well as being one myself. I'm fortunate to live in a community with a lot of talented musicians, some "professional," some who perform just for the love of it. There's classical, jazz, rock, everything else you can think of. Certainly, there are a few assholes and a few whose heads are a bit too big; they are in the minority and we pretty much know who they are. But Doug doesn't like it that you are among "those choir people" because he thinks they'll make you snobbish and pretentious. He says community orchestra people shouldn't get too full of themselves either, because if they were really that good they'd be with one of the big-name professional orchestras.
I know musicians who are "really that good" and who are nevertheless not playing with a big-name orchestra - because they don't want to. They prefer to play chamber music, or to spend more of their time teaching. Some just don't want the pressure of a big orchestra's performing schedule. But I have no doubt they could pass an audition for a major orchestra. By sneering at musicians who perform in community or local ensembles Doug is revealing his own snobbery.
And then there's the fact that he made some assumptions about you that he had no right to make. He does not know you well; he simply concluded that your Facebook post was evidence that you're stuck up and are making fun of Southern accents in a mean, disparaging way (evidently as a result of hanging around with "those choir people" . That's what the lawyers call "assuming facts not in evidence," and he was way out of line. I know it's hurtful when someone you liked and thought was a nice person, and who seemed to like you, suddenly turns on you for no good reason. But that's his shit, not yours. If you don't hear from him again you have lost nothing. He just showed his true colors.
...sitting in a chair with his mouth open.
well, I don't know when. We'll be going to TN sometime this spring, but there's no guarantee that we'd see him at all. If he doesn't resolve this, I definitely won't see him.
And it's his to resolve. He has to make the next move.
An apology would be mighty nice.
Very moving. 
And you never know when you'll hit them. Except that this guy is projecting his own attitudes on you. Telling you not to hang out with musicians!!
