Something else to ponder ... Would it be irresponsible of me to have children?

[Denninmi]

I thought this would be an interesting follow up discussion from my other thread. Probably a contentious one, too.

I haven't made it a secret on DU, I've been pretty open about it. I had a "mental health crisis" last year. I was initially told I was bipolar, a Dx that really scared me. I was later told that this was the wrong diagnosis, I actually have, and am in treatment for C-PTSD. That was a relief, but it still isn't easy. The process of therapy brings up so many things from my life, issues which have bothered me for years.

So, should I be a father? Would it be the responsible thing to do? Would it be fair to the child? To the spouse/partner?

I absolutely believe the answer is a firm NO. Why? Several reasons. First, if I can't manage my own life effectively, how could I expect to handle the demands of fatherhood, or marriage fro that matter? Second, there is the genetic question: do I possess defective genes which make me and any children I would have susceptible to psychiatric diseases? I believe the answer is yes, my father and his mother had serious, mostly untreated, mental health problems. I believe it is largely genetic, but of course there is the cultural and environmental factor, the dynamics of the relationships in the family. My childhood environment with an extremely abusive, mentally ill father was a living Hell. And I have worked very hard in my life to be the opposite of the monster he was on every level. But I wonder if under the wrong stress, the wrong situation, I would react in unexpected ways which I would not want to. Finally, I tend to do poorly in relationships, having exclusively been involved with those just as wounded as I am. I witnessed the nightmare that was my parent's marriage. It turned me off of the concept to a large degree.

So, I feel like the responsible thing to do is to absolutely not have kids. But I have had numerous people, both MH professionals and people on various forums tell me I am completely wrong, even that my attitude is stigmatizing and prejudiced.

An irony, virtually any man can biologically be a father. But many shouldn't be, the irresponsible, the abusive, the hopelessly addicted. Maybe I find that my fears are baseless. I am not willing to take that risk. Unfair to all involved.

So, what do you think?

[Warren DeMontague]

1. Only you (and your partner, presumably) can make that call, ultimately.

But the #1 thing kids need is for you to love them. People can come from fucked up childhoods and be awesome parents; I've seen it.

As for the genetics thing; I don't pretend to know a ton about mental illness genes, although anecdotally I do know some people in relatives' families (In laws extended relatives, etc.) who have run up against those questions. Genes are tricky things, and in my experience many of the "problematic" genes often have a potential upside to them- like, addiction comes with creativity, etc.

In my experience. So who knows.

I guess the question is, do you want kids, can you love them, can you support them, give them a good home, are you in a relationship where this is a real possibility?

[enough]

2. Dear Denninmi, I think you are very wise and honest to be asking this question.

The question will probably be answered by your life circumstances as time goes on. But the question itself is honorable.

I'm saying this as a 69 year old mother of a mid-thirties offspring dealing with bipolar. There is no way my child should be having children at this point, and possibly never. My child has a very interesting life with lots of friends and adventures, success in work, good income, but seemingly permanent instability of mental state, which will take a lot of focus and self-care to live with. Sometimes (not always) it's heartbreaking to me to think of never having grandchildren, but I have come to this conclusion.

As a man, you have lots of time to make this decision. You may find the path to the point where parenthood will be the right choice. The very fact that you are asking the question means that you will find the right path for yourself. All the best to you.

[lumberjack_jeff]

3. It would be irresponsible if you don't want them.

On the other hand, in my experience, people who want children badly enough will work (sometimes heroically) to mitigate whatever limitations they may have.

I think the main beneficial factor in parents is the desire to be one.

[Denninmi]

5. Well, the last part is easy,

I don't drink, and the only drug I do is caffeine.

Very true, though, what you said about being a counterforce.

Finally, welcome to DU.