I have not spoken to my mother in at least a month...

[blur256]

My mother has been a teacher for 30 years, but yet she still worries about her "image" in the small community in which I grew up. Our family was one of the founders of the town I grew up in, so of course, everyone knows us. I am a gay woman. But my mother, as much as she says she is ok with it, will not acknowledge it. She once asked me what she is supposed to tell people when they ask her why I'm not married. I told her, tell them to fuck off, it's none of her business. But yet she still panders to them. The last time I spoke to her, I asked her who she would vote for in November. She said, I'm not sure yet. Really? You can't decide between someone that wants to keep taking away my rights AND wants to defund education, and someone that wants to do the opposite. But really, the reason I haven't spoken to her is that she would rather sell the house my great-grandfather built than let her gay daughter have it, because "it would be too rough on me" living in that community. First of all, it was promised to me by my father, God rest his soul. He was a great speaker to the democratic cause. In fact, he was on TV with George Bush when he rolled through Missouri talking about the death tax, which was applicable to our family at the time (my grandpa was still alive, and we were worried about the cost of the farm when he died). But what he said afterword was priceless: that man is the sleaziest man I have ever met. And second of all, how can you not stand up for your daughter? All I have ever wanted is that house, and yet she lets prejudice get in the way. It's the same reason she doesn't know who to vote for. I love my mother with all my heart, but I do not know how to talk to her. Anyone have any suggestions?

[DURHAM D]

1. Do you want to live in that town?

[blur256]

2. Yes, I really do.

It's not even the town I want to live in, the house is in the country. And I would love to retire there, as well as my girlfriend. We are country people lol.

[DURHAM D]

5. Was in your father's father who built the house or your mother's father?

[blur256]

6. It was my father's father's father

that's why my mom doesn't care about it, even thought she has lived there for 40 years.

[DURHAM D]

7. How old is your mother?

Does she live on the farm by herself and maybe want to move into town for safety reasosns?

I am asking these questions for a reason btw.

[blur256]

8. She is 59

and no, she doesn't want to live there by herself. Which is why I have offered to move back in with her to help her out. It's a lot to deal with, over 600 acres. But she won't let because of my orientation. She wouldn't let my girlfriend move in too. It's a sad situation

[DURHAM D]

9. 600 acres - wow.

Do you have a tenant farmer? What do you grow?

Is there an additional house on the property?

[blur256]

10. She rents it out

From time to time. But she thinks she needs to be in control at all costs. And we used to have an angus farm, growing grain, corn, whatnot to sustain them, but not too long before my dad died, he sold all the cows. Kinda weird, like he knew he was going. And he died after having shoulder surgery. He either had a heart attack or stroke, no one knows. But it was like he knew. :/

[DURHAM D]

12. Why don't you offer to rent the other house?

It will give her some more income. Or perhaps you should offer to rent your grandfather's house and she can move into town?

I don't understand what is happening with the land. Is the pasture land going to grass? Is some of the acreage planted in grains this year? Who is doing the farming? Can you farm? Run cattle?

[blur256]

14. My uncle lives in the other house

and she rents it for pasture, and the rest she gets money for letting it go back to prairie. The state of Missouri let's it go back to prairie for money.

[blur256]

19. Oh, and I grew up running cattle

I would love to farm. That's what my mom doesn't understand. I would totally live off the land if I could.

[DURHAM D]

23. I think you should just show more interest in the farming operation.

Ask her questions about the CRP contract (that is the federal program her pasture land is in). How long is the contract for? Are you in a drought area where they are allowing it to be mowed this year? How does your uncle fit into the farm equation? Should more land be in crops? Are there ways to generate more income if you are there and hands-on? Do you still own the mineral rights? What are her tax implications if she sells the land? Would she consider keeping 5-10 acres where the house is and sell the rest?

Find out what she wants to do with the rest of her life and work on her plan together. Tell her what you can do to help out. Frankly, with the value of the land she is setting on she should be able to stop working and do pretty much anything she wants.

I noticed that someone said down thread that now is not a good time to sell. I don't think that is true for farm land. It is very high valued right now - in fact, it is nonsensical. And in some areas of the country if the drought persists the values will start dropping, or least stop going up at breakneck speeds. The value of hunting land has already dropped in most areas.

Just show interest. A friend of mine (a lesbian and only child) told me about two and a half years ago that her parents were leaving their farm to one of her cousins. He had stayed home in Oklahoma and was their tenant farmer. She just accepted it as a done deal and thought her parents didn't want her to even visit their small town. I was shocked and suggested she start showing more interest in their primary asset and talk to them about the farm every Sunday when they talked on the phone. She began to watch their weather and talk about the crops. Over the next two years she asked more and more questions and showed more and more interest. She started reading the farm reports and watching the commodities market. In fact, last year she went home (with her partner) for harvest for the first time in 25 years.

They went out to visit last week. On Thursday I received this text from her: "My parents changed their will. We just came from the attorney's office. Thank you - I owe you. More when I get home." The text from her partner: "Oh my God. They changed their will. My baby gets the land. Thanks"

That is what parents are supposed to do.

JFTR - I am not an only child but I went through what you are going through. My mother thought being left out of the will might somehow make me turn straight. After a while she figured out I didn't care what she thought and I either got put back in at equal share or I was never really out. Parents are silly sometimes but when they get past 60 they seem to grow up. As for how she will vote - just ignore that issue. I had to forgive my mother every two years in November for voting against her own interests. However, in 2008 while she was living in a memory unit (she had Alzheimer's) she voted absentee for Obama. She didn't know what century it was or what country she was in but I flew home to "help" her vote.

[gateley]

3. I don't have any advice, just wanted to give you this.

I'm so sorry, blur256. I hope this works out.

[blur256]

4. Thank you

Hugs back

[Booster]

11. Do you have any idea what she plans on doing with the money if she does sell the house? I'll give

you my sad story: my father died in a plane crash while working for Halliburton Oil Co. At that time they gave my mother a substantial number of shares of stock. She remarried. She held that stock for over 54 yrs. She was diagnosed with dementia in 2007 and at that time my evil stepfather talked her into selling half the stock. 2 yrs later he took her to the financial adviser and they sold the other half, so in total it was around $700,000. He died that same year and Mother's mind was totally gone. She died a year later and we have no idea what he did with the money. Before he died he told me that he begged Mother not to sell the stock but that she insisted. I talked to their adviser & she told me it was his idea to sell the stock; that my mother sat there with a faraway look in her eyes and had no idea what was going on. I paid an investigator $4500 to look for the money and all he gave me was a list of all the property they held through their lives, which I already knew. I talked to the Texas Dept for the Elderly before he died and they wanted to prosecute him because what he did was spousal financial abuse, but I dropped it because I wasn't about to put a 89 yr old man in jail. Oh, well.
I don't know how old you are or how old your mother is, but I would advise you to sit down with her and make her talk to you no matter how painful it is. Be nice, be patient, but ask her if she remembers your father saying he wanted you to have the house and if she says yes reason with her. If she insists on selling it then gently tell her that the money should be put in an annuity, which she can draw on for the interest, but you must be the beneficiary because it's what your father wanted. Be calm and if things get out of hand, walk away and try again - maybe you should suggest you both have a couple of drinks. just kidding, or maybe not. Good luck. I know how you feel.

[blur256]

13. Thank you so much

My mother admits that I have rights to the property once she dies, but she wants to sell it now. I can't do anything about that unfortunately. And I had talked to her, but she told me not to have me set my heart on it, because she has control and will do what she wants. I really love my mom, but she makes it hard. I am attached to that property for a number of reasons which would probably make me sound crazy, but as far as I'm concerned, it's mine.

[Booster]

17. If she sells it now do you have any idea what she wants to do or where she wants to live? Maybe you

can talk her into renting it and having that as income for herself. If all of this fails and she doesn't need the money then all I can say is she's just being mean because she knows you want it so bad. My mother was a lot like that. All I can say is if she does it just to spite you, then wait & buy the house of your dreams, maybe even the same one, and live your life the way that makes you happy. Since she doesn't know who she's voting for but knows one candidate that will make your life better, then I totally understand why you haven't talked to her. When you were little did she ever pour iodine in an open wound on your hand - mine did. She may still be trying to pour it on you. Again, I hope nothing but the best for you and, whatever she does, know you are better than she is.

[blur256]

18. She wants to move to Kansas City

which is where I live now. Her sister lives up here, and she is her biggest cheerleader for her moving up her. I love my aunt, but she has a TON of money because she married well. She wants my mom to have the money to go have fun with her everywhere they go, which is why my mom is considering moving. I do fell bad for my mom because my dad died, no one misses that man more than I do. But selling the farm, to me, is the worst move she could make. Even money wise, because her land value is only going to grow.

[Booster]

20. Do you rent or own? If you own, ask her to swap houses with you and make it sound like you're

thinking of her (2 can play this game) and she should see how she likes it there before she sells the house. Even if you rent you could offer her the same deal. And you're right about the land value - be sure and tell her this is absolutely the worst time to sell property. Tell her, in a nice way, that would be stupid. lol You might also want to consult with a good lawyer right about now, or at least get one lined up. Apparently that's the big mistake I made after my stepfather died and my mother was still alive. Don't do what I did which was nothing.

[blur256]

21. Unfortunately, I rent

but a lawyer is something I am thinking about. It's sad that it has come to this, but she is serious, even considering the housing market. I told her I would rent it from her, but she thinks I can't make enough to do so. I have a f***ing masters degree AND I'm in school again for web design. Don't judge me.

[Booster]

22. I'm hoping your girlfriend works so that would help. I realize neither one of you would be working

if you moved, but maybe you could rent out the property you don't use and with that you could make it. Do you know anyone where your mother lives that could or would talk to her and tell her how unfair she's being? If someone besides you could show her that she's just being mean because of your lifestyle that might help. Are you close enough to your aunt that you might have her talk to her - of course that's taken a chance, but if you could get your aunt, who wants her to be where she is, to try and talk some sense into her maybe that would help.

[loli phabay]

27. i think this hits the nail on the head, mayby your mom wants to sell the house so she can use the

money to do stuff that she has always wanted, to do stuff with her sister. If she has no attachment to the property she may see it as just money sitting doing nothing that would give her a better life as shes not to old to go out there and do the stuff she always wanted to. Pretty much there is nothig you can do if its all in her name and she decides that she wants those world cruises or the expensive condo.

[southernyankeebelle]

15. This is nothing more then her using a power play. My mother-in-law did it with my husband. Way

before my father-in-law died he said we are going to go over and change the will and give us a piece of the property because he was afraid of what she would do. I didn't think anything of it. We went over and paid him a $1.00 for the property and a suaver came out and marked what we wanted. When he died she couldn't do anything with our piece of land. She was getting senile and a little crazy. She could have give the truck to my husband but she didn't she sold it. She sold the boat. She wanted to sell the expensive set of dishes and hutch she had. My husband stopped her right there and then and told her that she promised that to him when he died and by god he was going to get them. He told her he would pay for them if need be. I tell you when you get up in age like that you kind of go weirdo. My father-in-law knew her better than I ever thought she would act like. I mean I saved her money on health care with insurance. I took her to her doctors appointments. My husband handle all her bills and making checks out. I didn't want her saying I stole anything from her. In the end the house that my father-in-laws family had was passed down to my husband. I am telling you if you are an only child get your house in order. Especially if she is unable to take care of her bills and living will. You make sure things are in order.

You need to tell your mother you would be greatly hurt if she sold the house and that your father promised it to you. Also you should tell her once she dies why should she care what happens. Also you should tell her that you have done nothing so far to hurt her or your family. You let her know if she doesn't go and get a will done with your name on the house you will not be there when she will need her help the most.

[blur256]

16. Thank you

I appreciate that. I don't want it to come to legal terms, but if it does, it does. She doesn't appreciate the history, the land, the wealth that comes with it. She could make millions, yes, but at what cost? She will never understand the history that has happened there. I couldn't live with myself knowing that someone else was living in that house.

[stevenleser]

24. Is there a PFLAG contingent close by, maybe in the closest big city?

Someone from PFLAG might be willing to talk to your mother.

[hedgehog]

25. I am very sorry you're facing this. It sounds like a lot of issues

are twined around each other. Your mother may want off the farm and need the money from the sale to make a life elsewhere. On the other hand, using the farm to punish you for being gay seems to be at least part of what is going on.

[William769]

26. I have no suggestions at this time.

All I can do is offer comfort & support.

I just got back today from my hometown after letting it all hang out to everyone about being Gay and having AIDS. It was a roller coaster ride to say the least.

Still letting it all sink in, hopefully after a while I will be able to put it in more perspective for you, but for now, I offer you this.