News Flash: Not everyone wants you

[TexasTowelie]

A gay guy walks into a gay bar. Alone.

That’s it. That’s the ironic punchline — because why on earth would he? For many gay men, the idea of going into a bar solo is a laughably ludicrous non-starter. We all know why. It’s because other gay men at bars can be absolutely terrible.

For the brave sole adventurer, the task of attempting to start a conversation with a stranger often takes internally repeating the mantra “you can do it”… or at least several Jager shots to get started. The main obstacle is the hostile air of unapproachability so many gay men project at bars. “Do Not Approach Me” practically glares in neon in the air above so many men. For anything. Certainly not for a proposition, but too often, not even for a drink or a friendly conversation.

For a straight man at a bar, women are the prospects and men are the competition. In a gay bar, every man is both prospect and competition until interaction is achieved.

There is no way to know without speaking to each other. This adds a strange murkiness to any attempt at conversation that doesn’t exist in straight bar culture.

More at http://www.dallasvoice.com/news-flash-10172144.html .

[theHandpuppet]

1. I'd be interested in hearing from some of you guys out there

Granted, it's been so many years since I've been inside a gay bar that some of you probably weren't born yet (did I just admit that?) but as a lesbian I never encountered that kind of attitude from other women.

[LeftofObama]

2. Consider yourself fortunate for never having encountered

that kind of attitude.

As a gay guy this article is spot on and, in my opinion, doesn't go far enough. It's one of the reasons I stopped going to bars years ago.

My experience has been that from the moment you walk in to the bar you are being judged one way or another. If you don't leave with someone the rumor will be that there is something wrong with you, (HIV+, attitude queen, hustler looking for a trick, etc.). If you do happen to leave with someone, no matter the reason even if it's just to go have coffee, you are a whore who sleeps around and you must be avoided until you prove otherwise. The "otherwise" is usually by hooking up with the person who is going to start the rumor.

When one of the "cool kids" in the clique hits on you and you don't hook up with him those grapes become even more sour. If you haven't provided him with any negative information he can use against you during your brief conversation he will use the "I heard (insert rumor or false allegation here)" against you. Again, once you have hooked up with the "cool kid" all is forgiven.

If you've ever seen the movie "Mean Girls", it's like that only about 100 times worse. This has been my experience, anyway. It's stressful enough having to navigate life as a gay person let alone having to defend yourself from other gay people.

[Fearless]

3. Now I remember why I loathe the bar scene...

High drama and insecure guys make it a shitshow. Good entertainment though if you're not looking!

[TexasTowelie]

4. The primary reason I would go to a gay bar

is because they played the best music. Straight bars in Texas only play country-western music and from a musical perspective it is pretty boring (same instrumentation, time signatures, etc.). I jokingly refer to CW as "addle-saddle" music because nearly everybody that I see in a CW bar has a fat ass.

[Fearless]

5. +1

[closeupready]

6. Many of the truths in this article are cultural baggage.

Anglo-Saxon baggage. And I'm as WASP-y as most Americans, maybe more so. At least, ethnically.

At any rate, I agree with those who say this is why I don't enjoy hanging out in bars - at least, here in the US. It's not a scene that is fun or relaxing.

Part of that is the self-hatred drilled into gay Americans from almost the time of birth. The hostility you encounter (and, more generally, the tendency towards self-abuse in the GLBT community - alcoholism, substance addiction, suicide) is projection of the idea, 'If I hate myself, you're going to hate me, too, so don't even TRY it, faggot!'.

(Now obviously, we are all generalizing here - Gay Pride can be a really fun once/year day to go out and relax among other gay people - and some scenes/nights can also be a blast.)