Finally considering applying for Disability... reconciling conflicting emotions
I have an Auto-Immune condition and arthritis related illness that has kept me from having gainful employment since 2006. It has affected me since way before that but i really crashed and burned after my divorce. I've been on and off TANF for years and the stress of monthly reports is wearing on me, not to mention it is less than enough to live on with 3 kids and I am always asking my parents to help out (fix my car, dentist, shoes for the kids, etc)
My mom seems to think I just need to "buck up" and get healthy again and get on with life... I have been trying but I couldn't even keep the last flunkie 20-hr week job because the copying and standing and collating just wrecked me...
Meanwhile I have good days and bad days, though it feels about only 25% good... but alot of it is also beating myself up for not being able to feel better. I take Cymbalta for chronic pain and related depression, and Embrel for the Autoimmune stuff... and i am still not in remission by a long shot, but being on Medi-CAL probably limits any meds that run over a certain amount per month, so whatever.
Funny, even my Rheumy understands the amount of this that is self-stress related... I have a real problem with my family thinking I am just a flake and a slacker ...even though my sister has the same disease, she still manages to work 40 hrs a week, etcetc
So here I am being told by various friends who are also healthcare professionals that I just need to go ahead and apply for Disability and allow myself to focus on HEALING myself than trying to please everyone. But it feels like it's admitting defeat to the illness or something... Like I am letting others down or something stupid.
there's no doubt in my mind that it's the right thing to do for my health and stress level...the plus side clearly wins over the minus.
Please tell me these feelings are normal, and that applying for and receiving Disability doesn't make me a "failure" or a "flake"
= new reply since forum marked as read
just that little bit of support is helpful. prayers for your friend as well 
When I got sick I wrestled with going on disability for a few months, but I applied anyway. A few months after I applied I started having seizures. When I went back to the doctor and told him about the seizures he said he could NEVER release me to go back to work. I was a truck driver and obviously I am not about to put the public at risk.
I hope you don't mind my being blunt, but screw what everybody else thinks! You are the most important person in your life and you need to take care of you!
Document everything! List all of your past jobs, list every doctor you've seen relating to your illness, and make a note of all of your symptoms. You can apply on line, but if you do, remember to print out a copy of your application because you will get more paperwork later asking the exact same questions so it makes it easier for the second application. It will take a few months (about 6 months in my case) to get a determination. If you are denied, appeal. If you are denied again, appeal again. Take it as far as it will go until you need a lawyer. When you are finally approved they will go back to the date of your first application so do it as soon as possible.
Good luck and I wish you the best!
I am choosing to keep it to myself except for those who are allies about this whole thing. My mother is one of the worst ...telling me "you don't want to have THAT on your record"...like it's going to make me look bad for the rest of my life...rather than allow me the relief to care for myself and this disease properly. I have decided to finally admit i have a serious enough disease that it requires special attention and action...I have to treat myself more gently and carefully, instead of staying in denial and making it worse...
