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Mon Aug 5, 2013, 11:30 PM

 

I fell off the wagon

Again

Today

I am drunk right now

Or at least not sober

Why can't I control this shit?

Why am I a slave to this shit?

Surrounded by 6 bars around my workplace.

That's no excuse.

Any number of you here could walk past a beer bar and not bat an eye.

But not me.

Why am I so fucked up?

I need to attend a "meeting" for once

11 replies, 2985 views

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Response to Taverner (Original post)

Mon Aug 5, 2013, 11:34 PM

1. The meetings really help. Make it a ritual. Work the steps. Help others out. And after a bit

you will have recalibrated your brain. Your reward system will allow you to feel proud of your quit. It feels good to not be in a shitty lifestyle that drinking is (and I only binge drank once every few months the last year). Don't give up on you. Give up just your obsession with alcohol.

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Response to applegrove (Reply #1)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 12:12 AM

2. Thing is, I want the oblivion

 

And that is not good

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Response to Taverner (Reply #2)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 09:30 AM

6. After a significant period of sobriety, I still want the oblivion.

But now, instead of drinking or using, I just over-exercise or over-work But seriously, as alcoholics we don't have coping mechanisms that others take for granted. We have a feeling, we drink to annihilate it. Simple.

Learning to identify which HALT (hungry, angry, lonely or tired which are typical triggers for relapse) I was feeling was a full time job for me early in sobriety. Previously I would just know I felt bad and then drink to fix it. Learning what the feeling was helped me to figure out what I needed to do to remedy it in a more productive manner. Going to meetings or calling someone when I felt bad also helped.

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Response to Taverner (Reply #2)

Mon Aug 19, 2013, 11:23 PM

11. I came to this group for another reason but your post made me think.

How long do you want the oblivion for? I might get really flamed for this but if I am in a really bad way I will take a couple of Somas, (Carisiprodol) and go to sleep and when I wake up I am fine. I don't like feeling out of control like I have several times with my psychiatric medications. I used to like it but I don't anymore. It just scares me.

But I remember thinking years ago how it would be nice if when I was in a really bad way I could put myself under anesthesia and then come out of it when things were better. I haven't done that and could not even figure out how to do it nor do I want to do it BUT I do see the benefit of going to sleep. And because I am bipolar sleep alludes me when I want it most.

So I don't know if you want oblivion for long periods of time or just to escape and go to sleep for awhile. And I'm sure plenty of people from AA will think this is a horrible suggestion. I think it is a horrible suggestion unless you only do it once every 3 weeks or so or if something tragic happens.

The other thing is I went for years to a program called Recovery Inc. It is now Recovery international. I swear this was the best thing for me. Here is the link: http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/

It basically teaches you cognitive thinking and how to apply it during your everyday life. Like I am sure that when you want oblivion your thoughts are negative. So Recovery teaches you how to take a more realistic view of your life. And also, (and this flies in the face of my occasional Soma sleeping) it teaches you that feelings are not dangerous but just uncomfortable and that if you can bear with the uncomfortable feelings, (while changing your thinking) the comfort that you are desiring will come, (even if you don't change your thinking everything passes and you will end up in a better mood whether you drink or not).

AA is not for everyone. I'm not in any way saying not to go to AA either.

Here is a list of terms and definitions that are used in Recovery: http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/recovery-international-language.asp

And if you go here: http://www.lowselfhelpsystems.org/system/recovery-international-tools.asp and hit Sampling of Tools and Terms, you will get a PDF of some of the "spottings" that are used in the program. They are great to read and I bet they help you just by reading the page of them.

Thank you for sharing your experience.

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Response to Taverner (Original post)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 12:17 AM

3. I was married 7 years when my ex went to AA.

When he worked the meetings, it was a very happy time of our lives. It took him a year to get sober to stick, many falls off the wagon,. many falls off the wagon before joining AA for years and years. The meetings, the sponsors and sponsoring someone himself all really helped.

I am not even going to say it was just the meetings that helped, it was being able to be open and honest and not hide things that seemed to help him. Not having to be ashamed or alone for a change. I couldn't help because I did not have a drinking problem, I could only be used as an excuse, to blame for his drinking. The people in AA/alanon helped me as well, helped understand. having a friend/family go helps as well.

Funny story. My ex was afraid to go to a meeting, he did not know what to expect, he had strong shame. so, after spending a night watching "lost weekend" and talking a lot, I told him I would go to a meeting with him, he can bring me as the alcoholic, and he would get to see what they do there. Needless to say, the second we walked in, they separated us and then told me to go home. I was in a closed meeting and no way would a sober person mistake me for the alcoholic, like they are not stupid. His new sponsor brought him home and became a great friend. we used to go out together with his wife to dinner and to movies. It might sound scary, but it really isn't.

Take care of yourself tonight.

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Response to hollysmom (Reply #3)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 12:22 AM

4. I am not hiding anything

 

I tell my spouse I am an alcoholic

I tell my spouse I couldn't help myself but to buy a 4 pak of beer the other day

I literally wasted 15 minutes thinking about it

And in the end, I succumbed

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Response to Taverner (Reply #4)


Response to Taverner (Original post)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 08:25 AM

5. Surrender is the key...

Last edited Fri Aug 30, 2013, 01:16 PM - Edit history (1)

You haven't come to terms with the first step. You haven't admitted you're powerless over alcohol. Not really.

Why can't you control this shit? Why are you a slave to this shit? Because you are addicted to alcohol. You're an alcoholic. I can't give you a reason why. It is what it is.

I can walk by a bar without batting an eye, yes. On the occasions where I've had to be in a bar for some sort of social obligation, I've not had to drink. Why? Because when I drink, I can't control this shit. When I drink, I'm a slave to this shit. When I don't take the first drink, I'm in control of all my shit. When I don't take the first drink, I'm a slave to nothing and no one. Simple.

If you don't take the first drink, you can't get drunk; the 1st step is the only one we have to work perfectly. It might behoove you to listen to the people who've been there before you and CAN walk by a beer bar without batting an eye. You want what we have? Do what we do.

Give me a text/call if you need to - 516-972-2635

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Response to Taverner (Original post)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 11:49 AM

7. secular sobriety help group

sossobriety.org

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Response to Taverner (Original post)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 03:03 PM

8. Wow...my stomach punished me this morning

 

Five days of drinking every day...and my ulcer acts up

Surprise, surprise

At least I can tell that voice inside my head that says "just have a drink" to fuck off, my stomach hurts

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Response to Taverner (Reply #8)

Tue Aug 6, 2013, 07:48 PM

9. Tav it will be a lot more body parts that will punish you if you don't get a handle

have you been to a meeting at all before?

let me share what they told me "Listen for the similarities, NOT the differences"

don't listen about how they have a higher power and you don't believe, don't listen to the fact some of them never took a drug in their life, listen to the feelings they are talking about. see if you can relate.

bet you can

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