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Mon Jul 1, 2019, 01:47 PM

My nephew has our family at the edge.

He is a brilliant college educated young man in his late 20's. He has fought alcoholism, and drug dependency for 6 years now ever since he was mugged outside a campus bar in 2013. When he is using he is mean, nasty and dangerous. He has been arrested 4 times, and my sister and her husband bailed him out and tried to get him into treatment. Last weekend he was on a bender and threatened his sweet neighbor who called the cops. He has recently threatened suicide and was taken to the hospital that threw him out after 3 days. He can't hold a job, he has alienated most of his family, including me and my husband.

We have tried to get him help, inpatient and out patient but the insurance won't pay for much and none of us have the money to help. My sister is now considering using her retirement account to help him once again. They are totally broke except for the retirement, plus they are behind on their mortgage for the first time in their lives, they are in their mid 50's.

I begged my sister this morning not to tap their retirement and to pull back on the financial help. I told her they could offer him support but not financial. He cannot hold a job anymore and is not employable in finance which is what he was trained in, because of his arrest record.

I am really at the end of my rope. I am normally a very caring person, but right now I just want to wring his neck.

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Arrow 15 replies Author Time Post
Reply My nephew has our family at the edge. (Original post)
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 OP
mr_lebowski Jul 2019 #1
SWBTATTReg Jul 2019 #2
Laffy Kat Jul 2019 #3
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 #6
Wellstone ruled Jul 2019 #4
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 #7
Wellstone ruled Jul 2019 #10
babylonsister Jul 2019 #5
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 #8
babylonsister Jul 2019 #9
tazkcmo Jul 2019 #11
customerserviceguy Jul 2019 #12
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 #13
bif Jul 2019 #14
redstatebluegirl Jul 2019 #15

Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 01:55 PM

1. Don't bail him out next time he's arrested, sounds like he needs some quality jail time

I know nobody wants that, but sometimes you just have to let someone find their bottom.

A decent amount of time cooling your heels and sobering up in Jail ... tends to be 'bottom' for a lot of folks.

Although ... homelessness often also works ... You really can't help anyone until they WANT help, and significant suffering is usually the instigator of someone coming around in that way.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 01:55 PM

2. I am sorry to hear this...I don't know what the experts say, but the first step in anyone's ...

recovery is that they ack that they have a problem. Also, tell your sister to not spend their retirement for they won't have time enough to recovery from gutting it out...they should be the primary goal of their retirement, not their son.

Sometimes the hardest choice is the best choice...I have family members that are alcoholics and I'm so happy I pulled the plug (no contact) for they are still surviving somehow (jobless or thereabouts), but me and my SO are so much better off (I can't handle the stress nor do I have the resources to help)...the rest of the family knows what's going on too, for they have had to deal w/ the calls asking for money, etc. too.

Usually more than just the immediate family members are negatively impacted too...

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:05 PM

3. Al-Anon is a great resources for family members. nt

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Response to Laffy Kat (Reply #3)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:27 PM

6. My sister and brother in law are going, have been for a while.

My sister is on anti anxiety meds because of all this stuff. I know it is a disease, but he is so manipulative and plays on my sister's love so much it makes me nuts.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:07 PM

4. This is a tough Family Issue for Thousands

of Middle Aged and Older Parents. Tough Love and getting involved with and helping with Social Care Services works best. The whole family has to agree on a plan and never deviate from that plan. Persons whom are Dependent are the greatest Manipulators in the world. Intervention does work,it may take a couple tries,but it does work.

Once you give a few bucks to a Addict,it's all over,then the real grief begins.

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Response to Wellstone ruled (Reply #4)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:28 PM

7. I am just hoping he doesn't manage to get their last dime, but he might.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Reply #7)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:41 PM

10. Hopefully your stance holds.

Experience tells me different. Had to intervene with my Parents and that was forty years ago. Lot's if name calling and finger pointing,but,in the end we managed to make it work. Still today,couple Siblings still point fingers and blame,but what the hell,my life is better without the grief they refused to recognize ,even thought they themselves had to deal with Addict children of their own.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:24 PM

5. Most cities and towns

have places for addicts to get treatment and it's free. Here in Melbourne, FL, there's a place called Circles of Care, so perhaps there's one in your sister's area.

https://www.circlesofcare.org/current1/home-page.html

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Response to babylonsister (Reply #5)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:29 PM

8. They are on a waiting list, but they told them it could be a year or more to get in

due to the number of people who need inpatient care.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Reply #8)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 02:39 PM

9. Wow.

Maybe they could check if there are any available facilities in neighboring towns?

Addiction sucks. My bf is a recovering alcoholic and runs a halfway house for guys once they get out of Circles. Many of them don't recover (and don't even want to) but are just looking for a port in the storm, a temporary roof over their head, or an escape from the heat.

It's really tough for the families that haven't given up. I wish you all the best.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 03:10 PM

11. So sorry for your nephew and your family.

Addiction sucks. The only thing I have to offer is that your nephew has to do this, at least in the beginning. Until he is ready to take responsibility for his recovery your sister will be wasting her money. Good luck to you all.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 04:32 PM

12. Sounds like he's going down the toilet

That's sad, but don't let him drag down anyone else with him. Your sister living in poverty in retirement is not worth the chance that he'll straighten out.

Maybe prison is the best place for him for awhile. It's unfortunate that we no longer have any real mental health system in this country anymore, so incarceration becomes the backup plan.

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Response to customerserviceguy (Reply #12)

Mon Jul 1, 2019, 10:07 PM

13. I hate to say it but I think jail might help.

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Response to redstatebluegirl (Original post)

Tue Jul 2, 2019, 08:20 AM

14. Sounds like intervention time

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Response to bif (Reply #14)

Tue Jul 2, 2019, 09:57 AM

15. Tried it twice.

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