Carol passed last night....

[Uben]

I was holding her hand when she passed and told her that we would all be okay if she had to go. HEr blood pressure had dropped to very low levels and the doctors just couldn't get it back up. Thank you all for lending me an ear and support through this, and I will be here for you guys, too. I have been at DU almost since the beginning. When we found that Carol had cancer nine years ago, I used this very forum for support and information. I talked to a lot of good people, and I have lost a few of them, too. On-line friends can be just as real and supportive as real life friends. I weep for them just as I would for anyone I really care about. For those of you battling this disease, never give up hope, and pray we can someday find a way to conquer it.

Uben

[thecrow]

1. I am sorry for your loss.

Nine years is a long fight. Think how much she loved you to fight for nine years.

[Irishonly]

2. I am so sorry for your loss

Your online friends, maybe a better description would be online family, grieves with you. Your love for Carol has touched me in ways I can't even to begin to explain. Carol fought so hard to stay with you and you were there holding her hand and loving her with all of your might. I weep with you and for you.

[FSogol]

3. My condolences. n/t

[shrike]

4. I am so very sorry, Uben

You wouldn't remember me, but I was on the Cancer Support group threads a couple years ago; I had breast cancer.

You and Carol are so, so lucky to have had each other. I really have no other words, except to wish you peace.

[mwdem]

5. I'm so sorry, Uben.

You were both lucky to have had each other. My condolences.

[maddezmom]

6. I am so sorry for your loss

[cmd]

7. I can't begin to express my sorry.

Rest in peace, Carol.

Hugs to you, Uban. clmd

[YvonneCa]

8. I am very sorry ...

...for your loss. Not everyone with cancer has someone so caring to support them, as your wife did. I hope you will now care for yourself as diligently.

[murielm99]

9. I am so sorry.

It is easy to see how much you loved and supported Carol. You are a good man. Take care of yourself now, and by all means, keep in touch with us.

[sinkingfeeling]

10. Oh, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Your care and love of Carol was

apparent in every post. We're heare for you, if there's anything you need.

[CurtEastPoint]

11. My heartfelt warm thoughts to you.

Blessings, my man.

[barbtries]

12. i'm so sorry.

you fought the good fight.
peace and love to you and your family.

[Irishonly]

13. Ar dheas Dé go raibh a anam.

It means:
May her soul be in God's right hand.

[cate94]

14. I am so sorry for your loss

May Carol rest in peace.

[UrbScotty]

15. Oh, I wish I knew what to tell you.

(((((Uben)))))

[KC]

16. My heart hurts

Last edited Tue Feb 7, 2012, 04:36 PM - Edit history (1)

Hearing this. I am so very sorry.
Carol was the kind of friend and person that everyone should have in their life. She loved you so very much as I'm sure you know. We were talking and she was saying something about you and I said to her how lucky she was to have you in her life. She said you make it so easy to be a good wife. And it has been obvious that you felt the same. Carol will be missed by everyone that knew her and loved her.

Susan

[BlueIris]

17. RIP, Carol.

All best to you and your family from the BlueIris Clan.

[Sienna86]

18. I'm so sorry for your loss.

May your great memories bring you comfort.

[Hepburn]

19. Oh, no...

...I am deeply sorry.

[jumptheshadow]

20. We're sorry for your loss

And I'm sorry I'm at such a loss for words right now... Your noble fight has been so touching.

[Uben]

21. I am touched by the responses......

...you guys are wonderful. The reality of what happened hasn't really sunken in yet. I have never lived alone in my life. I was married to another wonderful woman for 19 yrs before I married Carol. Today was filled with activity preparing for her funeral, notifying the many close friends we have, and taking care of business. I will have to deal with the grief that I am trying to stave off by staying busy because I know it's coming. I have no experience in dealing with such profound grief and I fear it will hit me like a ton of bricks once I am alone at home. I get emotional pretty easily, but I wear my tears as a badge of honor because they are for a very special person that I have loved for many years.

Her brother and sister are here to help me take care of her final needs. In fact, in less than 24 hrs, they have arranged both her funeral and a memorial service. When the dust settles and everyone is gone, I don't know what I'll experience. I have never really experienced depression. My soul mate has been taken from me. She was my best friend as well as my wife. We have spent most everyday of our lives together.

How does one deal with that? If any of you have any suggestions on how to best deal with the grief that is imminent, please lend me your knowledge.

[mwdem]

22. Uben,

you can rest now. Everything will fall into place right now. You have family to back you up. You have done all you can. She is in a better place, whatever you believe, and you are too. You are going through the motions right now, and you are totally aware of what you are doing. In a few days, when you are alone, you can really grieve, and you will do it for awhile. I wish you strength, I wish you hope, and I wish you peace. You did good. Stay in touch with us, please.

[maddezmom]

27. no advice, just checking in to see how you're doing?

Hope you were able to get some rest and let people take care of you now .

[Irishonly]

31. My dear Ulben

Your grieving will take as long as it needs to and your family and friends will be here for you through the whole process. All you can do is put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward with baby steps. You need to allow yourself time to rest and time to grieve. I know your head is spinning with how much there is to do right now and I think we all wish we were closer to help. Carol will live in your heart forever.

It's odd sometimes when you find inspiration in the strangest things. This one comes from the Rugrats. I often send it to people and now I give it to you.

A Poem to Chuckie (From His Mother)
My Sweet Little Chuckie
Though I must leave you behind me,
This poem will tell you where you always can find me.
When a gentle wind blows, that’s my hand on your face.
And when the tree gives you shade, that’s my sheltering embrace.
When the sun gives you freckles, that’s me tickling my boy.
When the rain wets your hair, those are my tears of joy.
When the long grass enfolds you, that’s me holding you tight.
When the Whippoorwill sings, that’s me whispering, “Night,night”.

http://slicknickshady.tumblr.com/post/15286092087/clarissacatalina-rugrats-mothers-day

I lost my mom when I was too young. She didn't see me marry or meet her granddaughter at least not in human form. I believe she has always lived in my heart. I hope the poem helps in some small way.

Anne

[Uben]

32. I love listening to whipoorwills

I often sit out on the rear patio with a warm fire in the chiminea and listen to nature. Seems there is always a whippoorwill singing its song around dusk. I usually whistle back at em.

[mwdem]

33. Keep doing that.

You need this.

[Ecumenist]

23. Oh, Uben, I am SO VERY Sorry your dear Lady left this life....

I prayed for her and will continue to pray for you... God bless you , dear Man and know you are loved even though I've never met you and I'm sure that all the DU'ers here feel the same. You are loved and cared for. You are in my every prayer... You are the model all people can look to as an example of what to do when a loved one faces the hardest battle life can throw at you.

Melody

[Tracer]

24. Oh Uben. I'm so sorry.

You were a wonderful and strong support to Carol and I'm sure that she knew it.

Please stay as strong now.

[Suziq]

25. I am SO Sorry . . .

Uben -

I read a lot more than I post and have been following Carol's story since November when I was diagnosed with melanoma and started checking out the Cancer forum.

I opened the forum this morning and as always, was hoping for good news. I am shocked and heartbroken to read about Carol's passing.

After following what was going on for a few months, I have grown to feel like I knew you and Carol.

My deepest condolences to you and your family.

[DreamSmoker]

26. She is with God now

She is in Good hands now...
Her suffering is now over..
Now my prayers go out to you...
May you be blessed...

[JohnnyLib2]

28. I am so sorry.

Damn the cancer, damn.
Your care of and for Carol has been inspiring and heart warming. May the good memories begin to take over in the near future.

[cynannmarie]

29. heartbreaking

So very sorry, Uben. You gave her such a great gift of knowing and feeling how much she was loved and cared for-- her last experiences were of your deep devotion. No one can ask for more than that. She was blessed to have you and I'm sure she knew it.
You will face a steep uphill climb in times to come. Please check in here and let us know how you're doing. Many here really care to know.

[Uben]

30. You can bank on it!

So many here have reached out to me in these difficult times. You guys are awesome! I had no idea so many were following my posts. They were more therapy for myself than anything. I just needed a place to release, and writing about Carol's struggles provided that release.

[Hepburn]

34. Just checking in on you...

...hugs.

[slipslidingaway]

35. Uben, I'm so very sorry to read this and hope that the memories ...

of the good times you shared will be some comfort in the days ahead.

Wishing you well today and in the months ahead.

[Irishonly]

36. How are you doing Uben?

I have been wondering how you are and if there is anything we can do to help you?

[Uben]

37. I'm doing fine.....

...and it was nice of you to ask. I really am. I have periods of sadness, but I know that's just normal, and each day seems to pass by easier. I have remained busy and that keeps the mind from wandering. There's lots to do, if I want to stay busy, and I have a pace a little faster than most, anyway. I'm concentrating on eating calories to put the weight back on, and I think I'm up a couple of pounds aleady. I also exercise a lot more so I won't put em on in the wrong places. But, that means I have to eat even more to keep from losing ground. I've had worse problems. I had almost given up red meat, so it's nice to enjoy a steak or a rack of ribs again.

[Irishonly]

38. I am glad to hear it

I am glad you are staying busy and enjoying red meat. LOL

[Ecumenist]

40. I'm so glad to read that you're doing okay. I was really thinking about you and I

want you to know that you remain in my prayers and thoughts, Uben. Eat as much as you need and/or want. If I were closer, I would be cooking you full meals and bringing them over. You mean so much to us, Uben, more than you'll ever know.

[cynannmarie]

39. Uben, checking in on you ...

How are you doing now that it's been a few weeks since Carol passed on. Are you keeping busy and finding some peace?
Let us know--we care!

[Uben]

41. Moi?

Thanks for your concern, and I am doing just fine. I am eating and starting to put back on a few pounds, however I have found that living alone has its challenges...cooking. I don't mind cooking, but cooking for one is hard to do, especially when take-out is just a phone call away. I have been staying very busy, going through closets and cabinets,getting rid of things I just don't need and will not use. After I go through them, I am giving them a new coat of paint to freshen things up. The local charities are gonna love me!
I have six boxes of shoes, denim jeans, belts, and purses sitting in my living room, ready to donate. That all came from my utility room. There are another 20 or so purses upstairs, another 20-25 pairs of shoes, and a walk-in closet full of clothes to pack up!
And that's the easy part! I have to do something with Carol's stained-glass studio. There are thousands of dollars worth of glass and supplies and tools to dispose of. Then, there is the ebay room, another nightmare I am not even going to go into any time soon.
All this to do, and we are coming into spring, a time when I love to do my fishing and yardwork. So, as you can see, my plate is pretty full right now. I guess that is good, as it keeps me occupied, but at times I have a sense of being overwhelmed by it all.
There are some legal issues I will have to address at some point, dealing with our business interests, but I have some time to get that done.

I haven't really gone anywhere since Carol's death. There is really no place I need to go other than the grocery store occasionally.
People tell me to make an effort to get out, but I have no real desire to socialize with all I have to do. I figure there will be time for that when the summer heat hits.

[Irishonly]

42. We keep going forward no matter how difficult it is

I am glad you are doing well and I think it's great you are donating so much. You just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[cynannmarie]

43. I am amazed and impressed that you are able to be so productive

so soon. My husband and I have talked about how we each have imagined what it would be like for the other if/when either of us passes on first and it seems that we both anticipate a long dark tunnel of grief that would be daunting and paralyzing. But of course one never knows how one would actually react in advance to an experience not had before. But hearing how you are coping is very inspiring, encouraging and a testament to resilience. I love hearing the details of how you are managing--it's very illuminating. And reading about Carol's stain glass reminds me of the photos you posted awhile back of the beautiful little chapel you built with her stained glass windows in it. Do you visit that special sanctuary often?

I do glass work myself but not leaded glass (I do fused glass)-- otherwise I would offer to buy some of the glass, but the 2 types are not compatible. I am sure you can sell the stuff to someone who does that craft, as I do know that the materials are very expensive and most artisans of that medium would be more than happy to buy the glass at a good price. Same for the tools to someone starting out. Glass work is very popular again.

Keep us posted on how and what you're doing! We can learn a lot from you... and we care about your well being.

[Uben]

44. Well, I'm still doing fine.....

...that's not to say I don't still have periods of sadness almost daily, but I suppose that's part of the process. I deal with things my own way. I have very supportive friends who are actively seeking ways to get me out of the house, which isn't easy. I kinda like the isolation I'm experiencing, but then again, I like getting out too. I have so much to do right now that it keeps me busy and my mind from wandering. Although, I still find it difficult to talk about Carol without tearing up.

Others have worries I don't have. When a spouse passes, often the surviving spouse has to face financial shortfalls and a mountain of medical bills. I have the bills, but also the money to pay them, so that is stress that I don't have. I no longer have children to support, either. My heart goes out to those who do face these stressful situations.

I guess having ten years since Carol first got cancer has served to help me accept her death, as well as my own mortality. We take our turn at life and then leave to give others a chance. That's just the raw truth of life here on earth. Our atoms and molecules become something else for the living to enjoy, and I guess that thought eases the pain of loss a bit. I could search for eternity and never find another Carol, but the only thing that is constant is change, so we have to accept that reality.

I am thankful for both of my marriages. Each gave me strength and happiness. They each gave me tools to help me cope. That fact lets me know I will know it again, somehow, somewhere, someday. Until then, I endeavor to persevere, making life as enjoyable as I possibly can.

[Irishonly]

45. Uben

You are an inspiration and a joy to know. I am glad you have such wonderful friends and know yourself well enough to realize when you need solace. Very few people have your wisdom.

I have been thinking of you and have been sending distance Reiki to you and everyone else that post in our little group. I am still very unsure of myself but I have been told it helps all of us. As far as your tears go, I can still weep for my parents and they have been gone many years. I think tears show our depth of love and feeling. My mom always told me that grieving tears were for soothing the soul.

We all muddle through life the best we can and are very lucky to find people to share our lives with. We are richer for it.

[Uben]

46. Thank you for your kind words....

....but I am just another Joe Blow dealing with things my own way. While I like to see myself as a manly man, I have no problem shedding tears for those I love, and like your Mom, I feel they are a necessary part of the process. For me, anyway.

I have been blessed/plagued with a logical mind. I figure out the most reasonable response to a situation and act accordingly. No, it's not always the right response because we all think and act differently, but if you allow for error and have the ability to recognize the need for change, you can work past most problems in life. That hasn't helped a lot in my current situation. No amount of logic or reason can compensate for the hurt of the loss of a spouse. Right now, I am on auto-pilot. One step in front of the other, trying to get through the day by attending to the things that need to be done. I know time heals all pains, but I also know that time is infinite, so pain can linger forever..... if we let it. This is where I'm supposed to say, "The trick is to.........", but I don't have a clearcut way deal with this kind of loss and agony. I wing it, just like everyone else.

I am lonely. I have never lived alone before. While I have many friends, that does not compensate for the loss of a mate. I find myself longing for a warm butt to snuggle up to at night, someone to say "the yard looks nice" after a hard day of mowing and trimming, or a spontaneous kiss. These are things that only a mate can provide. I will fill that need, someday, but right now I just hurt. I can't change what happened, I can only take what I have and deal with it the best I can.

HAving you guys here to spill my emotions on helps. I can say things I could not say to a 3D friend without choking up. And, I suppose that's why we are all here. Thank you for being here for me, all of you, from the bottom of my heart.

Uben