So, the physical therapist asked me a question yesterday...

[OldBaldy1701E]

She asked, "What do you want out of this (meaning the physical therapy), what hobbies do you have, what do you do for a living, etc.?". I was actually taken aback. Not because of the question, but because, as someone who is literally just marking time these days, I have no ambition, no 'goals' to accomplish anymore. They are all gone, as far as I am concerned. All of the things I wanted to put into life and get out of life failed miserably. So, how does one answer such a question? Well, one choice is to lie like a rug and mention some of the failed wreckage as things that were still alive and being pursued. It really sucks that I had to do this, but what else was I supposed to do, casually look at her and say, "Nothing. I am a shell of a human and I am not even sure why we are here. I am just being a robot when it comes to this injury and rehab thing, but getting as much functionality back as my body can handle is not appealing. It is a bit silly to be honest. I am not long for this world anyway... why are we doing this again?"

Anyone else find themselves in this position? I am curious because I was really caught off guard by this question and I am pretty good and babbling without pause if I have to. Yet, it still threw me. Anyone else ever do this?

(Quick summary: I was biking and a vehicle pulled out in front of me. I hit the front fender and it tore all of my left rotator cuff ligaments as well as a good part of my bicep as well. I put a really good dent into the vehicle, so bad that it took three people to yank the passenger door open. Not bad for an old defensive lineman.) They have stitched all of it back together and the healing has begun. I started therapy yesterday. Also, this accident happened the day after I went to the doctor to see about my right shoulder, which was giving me fits of pain and weakness, and was supposed to be going to the orthopedist because of it... until the next morning. Sigh.)

[MLAA]

1. Oldbaldy, dayum up until the minute you hit the car that pulled out in front of YOU,

I assume you were biking. Now where I come from biking is a hobby and a damn fine one for ‘someone’ who is just doing time and waiting to call it a day! It must be incredibly frustrating to have to go through all the rehab you need, but heck, you were outside biking! I hope you work your way through the dread and frustration and get back on the bike or just walking outdoors.

Wishing you a speedy, successful recovery. 💗❤️💗

[OldBaldy1701E]

3. The loss of biking has been one of the worst aspects of what happened.

I just look at it once in a while. I have biked since I was freaking 3 years old and have NEVER done anything more than bruise my knee when I was trying to imitate Evel Knievel and skinned my right big toe by riding on the back of a friend's bike barefooted and accidentally slipping and putting my toe into the spokes. Both were before the age of eight. Nothing since. I am having a battle inside over it. I want to jump back on so I can show myself that this was a fluke and I am still a really good cyclist. I also don't want to touch it. It sucks. Badly.

[MLAA]

5. I had lots of orthopedic surgeries throughout my first 18 years. Most involved

full leg casts and confined to a wheelchair for 3 months at a time. Then the casts would be removed and I’d be told ‘walk’. Sometimes it would take an afternoon before I would attempt it and sometimes it would take me longer. I stopped worrying about it and just did it when I was ready. You’ll be ready for whatever whenever you are ready for whatever

[GenXer47]

2. if it were me

I'd actually strive for enough mobility to walk in the woods, on a beach, in a fresh snow, on fragrant dry leaves, with the birds, or some other natural setting where I might be lucky enough to keel over right there. It's a beautiful world, full of green trees and blue waters. So unique in the galaxy! Stay strong enough to live, and die, in the astonishingly beautiful natural environment we've evolved with - not some beeping, smelly hospital room.

[OldBaldy1701E]

4. I also got a really deep wound to my right calf.

And, it won't go away. It is now a disgusting mess because it itched one time a week ago and I lightly scratched it. Now, it looks like I was pulled from a burning car. What the hell is going on? This is why I cannot really walk at the moment. It won't stop weeping and when I exert myself, the entire calf and ankle swells.

[MLAA]

7. Do you have home healthcare set up? They can send a wound care specialist a time or two a week.

You sure are going through a lot.

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. Nah... we are barely holding on as far as finances and such are concerned.

I have made an appointment with the doc which is in three weeks. I am on their waiting list in case an opening appears and I can be seen earlier. I am treating the would and it is dormant, but still always weeping. All this from a few scratches because it itched. Good Grief.

[Wishful-Thinking]

6. I have both sympathy and empathy for your situation

Just sold my small business of the last 20+ years and in my 70’s. Had a car accident last year and they are still trying to talk me into rotator cuff surgery of left shoulder due to the accident, while right shoulder is already weak and painful from arthritis. With the depression and anxiety that have set in due to PTSD from accident, pandemic, unfettered global climate havoc, unfathomable political climate, lost savings with retirement account due to economic situation, and reluctance to travel for all the reasons, I’m feeling overwhelmed with malaise** as well. From reading the definition of malaise below, I can see that the disjointed few hours of sleep I’m getting is likely part of the cause.

Agreed we need a discussion/support group on DU to talk ourselves out of this.

“**Malaise”
Also called: General discomfort
Main Results:

A general sense of being unwell, often accompanied by fatigue, diffuse pain, or lack of interest in activities.

COMMON CAUSES
Malaise can have causes that aren't due to underlying disease. Examples include eating too much, drinking too much, inadequate sleep, feeling sad, missing normal exercise routine, or caffeine withdrawal.

[OldBaldy1701E]

8. Thanks. Also, 'malaise' should be my middle name. (n/t)

[enough]

10. It's hard to focus on goals and desires when you're still actively dealing with injury and pain.

Healing to minimize pain and restore physical function is a lot to deal with and is a major goal in itself. Things will probably look different to you as you move through the process. Hoping the best for you.

[OldBaldy1701E]

11. Thanks.

[XanaDUer2]

12. Not sure what to say

But sending healing thoughts.

[OldBaldy1701E]

17. Thanks

[Chalco]

13. When I need ideas...

I use a meditation practice I dreamed up.
I shut my eyes and say in my head over and over
"Let my mind explode with creativity." Within about
5 minutes I have the answer to my problem
whether it's the next line in a play I'm writing or
what to do with my afternoon.


Another idea: Many years ago I read
a book called How to Get Control of Your Time and Your Life
by Alan Lakein. He suggested working out what you want
to accomplish by the end of your life, within 5 years, within
1 year, within a day, within an hour. Have goals. Lakein
changed my life.

[OldBaldy1701E]

18. Thanks for the suggestion.

Although I think any 'control' is an illusion thanks to how our society operates. It does not allow for that level of freedom, although it pretends that it does. My problem is that I don't see any reason to do any of that. The things I wanted to do in life brought me disaster, and when I tried to change to something else, that just started the whole failure thing again. I am just not meant to be here any more. I have nothing anyone wants except a wage slave and I am no longer able to be that with any consistency. Why keep failing and making things worse, ya know?

[luvs2sing]

14. I'm right there with you.

In my case, I fell and fractured the head of my right humerus and had to have it surgically repaired. My arm was immobilized for a total of ten weeks and, now that I’m four months post-op, and well into physical therapy, my range of motion isn’t coming back as they had hoped.

My therapist asked me the same questions. I told her everything I liked to do, even if I hadn’t done it in ten years, thinking it would give me a better chance of healing. At this point, I can do maybe 75% of the things I like to do and need to do to function. The remaining 25% are iffy. I see the doc next week to plot out what the next steps will be.

I so understand feeling like a shell of a human. Lying on the couch, unable to do my favorite things (except read), having my husband have to do EVERYTHING, even help me dress and shower and, worst of all, not sleeping more than three or four hours a night damn near put me over the edge. But I got through it, and so will you. PM me if you need support. This is so fresh for me, my incision is barely healed.

[OldBaldy1701E]

19. Thank you

It sounds like you are in a worse state based on your description of the damage. I guess I asked this because it really drives home two things. One: just how much I no longer care about doing anything, and two: what do I do about situations like that, because they are happening and I am not sure if I should actually answer them honestly or not. I have been a shell for a long time now. I just exist. I hate it. I feel nothing anymore. Except bitterness and pique... those I feel every day. I squelch them, because they serve no purpose, but that does not change the facts of the matter.

[markie]

15. well...

here goes... I am 70... hiking the AT this winter... grief walk after my husband died...
1st accident- cracked ribs slipping on ice in the Smokies
2nd accident- hit by a town snowplow truck driving back to get on the trail after some healing from 1st accident
3rd accident- tore my MCL when back on the trail hiking after some healing from 2nd accident

ok so maybe I should have taken more time or maybe it is just fate... anyways, I am not giving in, and I am not giving up

you shouldn't either... you want to live and live well... for yourself, for your family, or just to spite the Fates

it hurts, I know only too well

hugs and take care

[OldBaldy1701E]

20. Interesting that you mention one thing

I spent 43 years trying to be a successful performer. (My definition of successful: being able to live a comfortable life. Not massive fame and fortune, just doing as so many others in so many other careers have done.) One of the driving forces for me was the fact that my family did not believe that I could and that I was wasting my time. I strove for the day when I could wave that success in their faces for being so negative and degrading to me about it. Well, they were right. And, I lost any of that desire to 'spite' anyone or anything. I had my chance to 'live well'. I failed. Why prolong this desecration of life one more second? That is where I am these days.

[Midnight Writer]

16. I have no more ambition or goals, and I have never been happier.

I didn't accomplish anything extraordinary in this life. Worked a lot and paid a lot of bills. Helped out other folks when I could.

Now I'm old and alone, and all the pressure is gone.

A modest pension and lots of free time. That is heaven to me.

I spent my life doing things that other people wanted me to do, on the job and in relationships.

Now, no jobs, no relationships. It's "me" time, and I am having a blast.

Turns out old and useless was my calling all along.

[OldBaldy1701E]

21. I did not want to accomplish anything extraordinary.

I wanted to be a respected performer and filmmaker. I suppose that may seem extraordinary to some, but within that profession, that doesn't mean squat. But, I did not want to be involved in all that 'Hollywood' either. I was very into the concept of the indie film. I was always just too poor and feeble to make it happen. Especially when you are involved with a profession that is as superficial as this one. Hell, if you don't have the newest camera, or lights, or whatever, you are not given the time of day. And, if you do, you don't even have to know what the hell you are doing. I just cannot anymore. I give up. I just try to keep my husband alive. And, now I cannot even do that. And, I am not just referring to the recent injuries. My body is giving out. I cannot be the 'fixer' as I once was. So, that pretty much signals the end of anything that would give a sense of accomplishment, a feeling of worth, something to feel proud over. I am still amazed that what I wanted out of life was so impossible. Especially when so many got it without even trying.

[MLAA]

22. Just checking in with you today, oldbaldy1701E.

Sending you a hug and a smile.

[OldBaldy1701E]

23. Thanks. I am doing a tiny bit better. (n/t)