I'm afraid I've become what I never wanted to be

[vercetti2021]

A grinch, a scrooge, a humbug. It's only the first of December and I'm over this holiday. First time in my life I hated decorating, I hated shopping, I hated baking, I don't enjoy being around family who spends all our get togethers on their phones, no care about the gifts received or given, no appreciation for shit. It's like my entire personality around this time of year went from super excited to dread in a year. No idea what happened to me. I'm always so excited for this time of year and this year I'm just like fuck it, hurry up and end already.

[Siwsan]

1. I suffer from really harsh holiday depression. It's particularly bad this year

While I've never been a big holiday person, I used to put up a tree and lights in all of the windows. I don't do that now because of my fur babies but I don't miss any of it.

Things just went down hill starting in 2013 when I went through a week long power outage during Christmas week and suffered from carbon monoxide poisoning. By the next holiday season my mom was deep in to Alzheimer's and my sister's cancer was destroying her. On January 1, 2015, my 98 year old aunt fell and broke her hip so I had to leave my sister's bedside to handle that situation. Eight days later my sister died. Three weeks after that I lost my mom. That was the end of my ability to enjoy any aspect of the holidays. I end up in tears, more days than not. Today is one of those teary days.

I really don't want to participate in any gatherings, from Thanksgiving through New Years, but do out of courtesy for my family.
My house is the most convenient so I clean, cook, prepare, set the table, dish out the food and clean up, afterwards. Everyone has a great time. I try to keep my disposition appropriate but it's exhausting. When out of town family comes to town, they stay with me so I don't even get that alone time to decompress.

I don't do gifts. I figure all of the work I do and the food and drinks I buy are gifts enough. Don't get me wrong, my family contributes, too, but the majority of the work falls on me.

So I get it, my friend.

[vercetti2021]

8. I hug you

I should have no reason to complain when others had it harder or worse during this time of year. I'm so sorry you went through all that

[unweird]

2. Tis the most emotional season

And navigating the hyper-commercialization can be exhausting. If this is the first time to feel your inner Scrooge it may be a transient humbug this year. I’m not too big on the holidays myself so you are not alone.

[Goddessartist]

3. It's been such a hard year

Holding you in my heart. I've been hospitalized for depression. I can relate.

I know about the phones. When I have my grandsons, no electronics.

It's okay to feel the way you do.

I'm always here if you want to talk. You're welcome to message me.

[Bernardo de La Paz]

4. No need to beat yourself up about it. Forgive the season

Forgive what you can't change, change what you can, and seek the wisdom to tell the two apart.

It's not the season's fault.

Would be wise to forgive yourself too. Just accept that moods and interests can change.

I have no doubt that you are generous with your time in many ways not related to the season.
Likewise, I have no doubt that you are a kind caring person (in the main) regardless of the season.

So having your feelings now is just something that is happening. Feel the feelings, figure out what you can do (up to the limit of what you want to do) and do it. Might be nothing. Doesn't make you a bad person.

You can't hurry the season. So just find a way to let go of the attachment, which engenders the unsettling feelings.

[vercetti2021]

6. Its never been someone I wanted to become

But it has, like I'm trying to figure out why I'm so pissed about this season. Never have I ever been this angry during this time of year. I'm always so upbeat and happy. But I feel its just personal life stuff making it bad

[BootOutTheGoons]

5. I feel your pain

Holidays are for caring and sharing. The phones will be there tomorrow. The focus during holidays should be on time with loved ones.

It also isn't hard to say please and thank you and you're welcome. It'd be nice if everyone did more of that.

There's still a few weeks left before Christmas. I hope things get better and your joy and love of the season returns.

[vercetti2021]

7. I hope

But who knows

[BootOutTheGoons]

12. I hope so too

The month is still young

[OldBaldy1701E]

9. It's okay, V.

I am in the same boat. I am either something I did not expect or the opposite of what I thought I would be at this point. It could be anything triggering your negativity to the season. I hope you figure it out. I try to just float through this time of year. (Never was a big Christmas person after the age of 11-12. These days, I do it more for the traditions that give me comfort... usually because they remind me of that time before I lost my holiday glitter.)

[kozar]

10. V, embrace the change

As I grow older, I’ve changed, from kid to husband, to “Daddy Santa” when I met LilBit, to “Grandpa Santa”, as my friends have called me.

I’m still , just Koz, you can still be Vercetti. we all grow older, I went though my stages, and this holiday season, I’m pretty good, just being Koz.
Go ahead V , be the grinch this year, it’s ok, you’re human.

Koz( neutral this holiday) .

[kozar]

11. After all,

Last edited Sat Dec 2, 2023, 09:24 AM - Edit history (1)

It’s just December. It’s just another month.