Need your support please.

[Fire Walk With Me]

Last edited Wed Jan 9, 2013, 06:27 PM - Edit history (6)

Warning, disturbing content; not for those easily swayed into unhappiness. Sorry to have not qualified this earlier.

Or at least your awareness.

I'm dual-diagnosis, as some who have posted alongside me in GD and Meta have already learned during the NRA "mental illness" wars.

I was in manic energy until about three years ago when some psych meds flipped that over into exhaustion (and damaged my short-term memory and other mental functions). As an obvious addict (but not to myself until being referred to the 12-Step rooms), before I learned of this, I became a target for some people on the internet who said straight out that they were getting entertainment out of pushing my buttons. This went on for years. Eventually I over-reacted and blew it, from carrying the pain of multiple levels of abuse from childhood, which only later the 12-Step program showed me how to be rid of it. Personal attacks which HURT, etc. It took years of this to get me to that point. I had no other tools than arguing and huffing and puffing to attempt to be rid of these people, and of course I now see in retrospect that engaging them in any way only fueled them. As this went on ever longer, I came to the conclusion that they sought to see how far my weakness could be pushed. Yes, at one point I hung with sadists because I'd long since despaired of "love", or any human dynamic involving anything other than my being on the receiving end of suffering and pain. Pain management had become the only logical, useful skill to me. I was self-destructive and wanted to die. I almost did die at the age of 13 in a freak accident. By that age I had given up entirely.

My higher power managed to keep me sober through the later revelation of bipolarity.

I'm a typical asshole addict, self-centered to the absolute core, who must work to become something better, and I want that entirely. In my destructive phase, I have shouted and even emotionally damaged an innocent family member. But what I'm getting at here is not about the wrongs I've done, for which I'm entirely responsible and am still hoping to make some effective amends beyond changing the involved behaviors. This is about being vulnerable to those who seek to cause harm for its own sake. I have spent seven horrific weeks in a psych ward, most of them fighting a flippant misdiagnosis. I was dumped there by those who sought to use that system to remove me from their lives out of fear and vengeance and simple cruelty. I am recovering despite what may be said about me by those either too frightened to understand or even care about my path of recovery (over-reacting to any "cue" they detect) or who just want to cause harm. I have suffered more than enough to "fix" any debt to those who claim one against me. I'm "living" at half the level of poverty and am unable to work to gain anything better. I'm screwed by meds into something less than I was. I used to read voraciously and as of now I have barely read in the last year and a half. I'm done suffering over the cruelty and fear of those who don't care or even understand that I AM NOT VIOLENT and will not be. I knew that I was being herded into destruction as my job prospects disappeared, became unwelcome in AA rooms (some extremely conniving, silver-tongued people are sober so don't take "not drinking/using" as an imprimatur of even being positive, or of not being able to go as negative as they'd ever been before. Time is not an indicator of sanity or deep adherence to the program.), I knew I had as they say in AA, "no safe direction", yet I did not harm beyond speech and an intensity of which I am no longer capable. I'm no innocent but I just want to be free of being forced, of being harmed by any either of "good intent" or not.

So.

Please download this bit of audio of one of them telling me that he's going to get me put (back) into a psych ward because I'm vulnerable to it. Please store it, copy it off. Please know that I want the AA program fully and deeply and am a work in slow progress. I'm not going to snap even if I become loudly frustrated. I am not going to harm anyone no matter what any might claim. I have avoided intimacy over the possible risk of false accusation against me. If someone claims I've attacked them, and there is no damn proof, they're lying. The last thing I want is immersion again into that "system", and I use my energy to become better, to not need to. If I have lesser symptoms which do not involve harm, "so what". My hygiene is low because I'm an extreme introvert. We recharge through being alone. Extroverts recharge through active participation with people. I am not isolating; I'm taking care of myself after long experience that this is what I need or I quickly burn out. My hygiene is low because it is a bar against intimacy. I do not want romantic attention at all as I am not ready for it, internally. I'm working upon it but it's not because I've forgotten or need to be reminded; it's because I'm working on taking care of myself and am taking the higher road of not involving others in my own unresolved problems. Obviously I cannot reproduce due to faulty DNA, nor can I afford to create a family at the resource level, so options there are already nearly nil. I'm just taking care of myself doing a plan of action which I know is fully capable of the results I require.

So.

http://www.mediafire.com/?8hdannf8h495944

"You're so easy, it's like air. People can't help but fuck with you. You've got mental retardation written all over your face. 'I need to go in a psych ward, I need to go in a psych ward'. And I'm gonna make that happen, because you're one step away."

There is far, far more than this, but this gives you an effective window into it.

If people continue to have any grievance against me, get in touch with me and we'll deal with it like adults. I am willing. But stop the judgement. I'm different enough as-is that it's insulting, demeaning, privileged, and arrogant. I'm doing the best I can with a limited set of tools, and most often, it sucks like a vacuum cleaner convention. Enough. I've been sick? Yes. So have they. Pot->Kettle: Black. Any who wish to turn this against me only reveal their own pathology..

I'm going to leave this up for several hours. I might delete this thread thereafter. I just know that sickness cannot stand the light. If this backfires upon me, It's merely proof of more in me which needs work. I hope everyone has a good year devoid of symptoms or suffering.

Edit: I want to forgive all hurt done to me, I want to be forgiven for all hurt I've caused, and I have caused hurt; I want to just get beyond this all. Please respect my wish to be left alone to work on my path of recovery so that I may recover.

[tama]

1. Friend

As you say: "Out of fear". That is always important to remember, to be able to comprehend and forgive, why people hurt you and generally each other. And ultimately only you can face and win your own fears and how they restrict your life, others who have been through something similar can and do support you and love you and testify that it is possible. It is not always easy, and obviously not meant to be easy. But it is not impossible, but possible.

And I see that you understand and accept yourself pretty well, and have self confidence. Take your time and be well, friend. <3

[Fire Walk With Me]

2. Thank you tama.

No one EVER asks what pain I've been in and through, or how it was involved in how I acted, or what's been done to work it through. People judge and condemn without needing any actual level of understanding. I want a better world than that. I've been ripped off for far too long by such instances for it to continue.

If people continue to have any grievance against me, get in touch with me and we'll deal with it like adults. I am willing.

BTW, please download that data. I've found that much of my info has recently been stolen.

[Tobin S.]

3. I couldn't make out what was going on in the audio clip

It just sounded like a couple of angry people to me.

When I realized how some people who were close to me had damaged me, I took immediate steps to distance myself from them. After several months of reflecting and healing I found that I was better able to deal with them. I can be around them now for short periods of time and tolerate it.

But it sounds to me as if you have been damaged so badly that those who have hurt you will always be toxic to you. If you can shut them out of your life, I'd suggest it. You might find yourself feeling completely alone in the world, but I've found that feeling to have a quality of liberation to it after years of torment.

I have bipolar disorder, too, but I have a handle on it now days. I think you can get a handle on your problems as well, but it will be more difficult if you are around people who are still hurting you.

[Fire Walk With Me]

5. Without listening to it again, this is what it says.

"You're so easy, it's like air. People can't help but fuck with you. You've got mental retardation written all over your face. 'I need to go in a psych ward, I need to go in a psych ward'. And I'm gonna make that happen, because you're one step away."

Note someone else in the background repeat "go in a psych ward" or similar. And don't overlook the tone in his voice. Ugh. There is far, far more than this tiny soundbite.

I am attempting to distance myself from such people but this crap follows me. They are sick, predators. This is only about causing harm, not about anything else. That's all it's been for a decade. This is an attempt to bring it to light so it can be undone.

Given a stress-free situation, I do well if I stick to the 12-Step program. But guess what? "one step away" includes becoming unwelcome in those rooms, and it's happened in three of them, despite the 3rd Tradition and a code of love and tolerance and an admonishment against gossip on page 125 of the Big Book. A room is only as good as how dedicated are the people in it. I've found recently that some will not help me in this particular issue despite the potential damage facing me.

I put no one in a psych ward to suffer. My debt to any I've harmed is paid in full. This is now only about monsters and those too fearful and ignorant to learn any better, causing harm.

[Fire Walk With Me]

4. Note: this is not a 9th step.

My father found all manner of not understanding me to the point of utter disbelief on my part. Mockery was taken as physical threat (part of it, that you can't even tell the difference, and that in not being able, you also don't understand me, and the sad conclusion that there is no possible communication there...very saddening...failure to connect with a second "father". The hole in me in the shape of the parenting that wasn't.). A statement of karmic fact taken as physical threat (&quot do this to me...) Something bad will happen to you"...KARMA, ffs. I wasn't even intense when I said it, yet again fear twists the experience into something not at all intended by me. facepalm. (No one gets that I knew what was going on and wasn't harmful. I was intense to attempt to get it to STOP.) He believes in universal action/reaction/karma; I have no part in the greater wheel of response. I want nothing to do with him ever again, whatsoever. He knows me not at all and there is nothing there for me whatsoever. Proven and proven again. What I DO want is for people such as this, who do NOT get it or get me, who cannot pause to consider that they are WRONG, who are causing me damage through ignorance, to go away and STOP getting in my business, which does not ever again involve them. Yes; people making decisions about my path, through ignorance or cruelty, upsets me. Go figure.)

My posting the soundbite is about letting people know what I'm up against, what I wish to be free from, so if claims occur against me, they'll know there are two significant sides to the story, not one. And that their side involves great, vast, unchanging, undeterred sickness. This post is self-preservation.

I'm trying. Get out of my life so I can succeed in my path of recovery. Love you bye bye.

[Fire Walk With Me]

6. "Well, that answers that question."

:/

[napoleon_in_rags]

7. Man, too much Family Guy for me.

I hear Brian the dog talking about the TV, when Cleveland Brown starts to threaten him. My mind can't hear the voices without drawing pictures too!

Funniness over, I hear you saying that you're anxious, you're pointing out people being toxic to you, and posting a clip of it happening. My immediate impression from the clip is an individual being petty and trying to push buttons, but in your post you talk about it as being part of a more threatening trend. I will take your word for it, unfortunately people do target mentally ill sometimes.

If you really are in that kind of a situation, there is a model for getting through: You can remember it by the seven deadly sins.

lustful appetite (gluttony, fornication, and avarice)

Monitor what you are consuming, get rid of intoxicants, unhealthy food. Don't do any hookups without out a long period of talking friendship first. (You know this one) Don't take too-good-to-be true shady job offers, or strange gifts.

irascibility (wrath)

Never lash out violently. Call 911, proceed strait to hospital if this becomes plan of action.

despair (sloth) pride envy

In modern times, people think sloth is laziness. Its actually linked to despair. These are the most important. SMILE! BE HAPPY! Express affectionate emotions to those around you and don't worry. This thing alone undermines the agenda of anybody targeting you. Pride, never think its about you. If somebody's angry its about them. If somebody's acting out its about them. Try to be helpful. Be humble. What power do you have to draw so much attention? You're the guy who walks around sniffing flowers and smiling. Envy: Let your happiness be self contained, defined in terms of yourself, never defined in terms of what somebody does or doesn't have.

And of course, if stuff gets dangerous, never think authorities are against you. Call 911 and get help.

[Fire Walk With Me]

8. I'm part of the Occupy movement. I have been assaulted by police during a peaceful protest

as have many of my fellows. I fully intend to sue LAPD when given the opportunity and I'm likely in their system listing as much.

And when the person in the recording later threatened to kill me and eventually simply rushed me and punched me in the face, a judge wouldn't even listen to that audio and give me a simple restraining order. Police were of no help. Worse, they were condescending when I attempted to get a RO at the local station before going to a judge.

The thing is, data storage devices containing much of this proof were stolen from my room probably this week or not much earlier. I am wary of such Trends. If someone has an itemized list against me, it merely proves their pathology while I am simply attempting to live. I am attempting to fix this problem although I appear to lack the tools to so do. Thank you though.

[napoleon_in_rags]

9. Sounds like you have worldy problems bro, not mental ones.

I hope you will still take my advice, it is sound whether your problems are worldly or within, that's why I gave it. Watch that food. I mean watch it. Watch cheap hookups, you don't need to be Assanged.

And don't forget that smile. So much of the game is mental, often the best middle finger you can give is to show that they haven't brought you down, they haven't gotten to you. Find your joy and your peace. Stay proud and stay who you are brother, and keep fighting that good fight.

PEACE!
Nir.

[Fire Walk With Me]

10. The problem is my limitations make me vulnerable to them and I'm unable to fix it. I'm broken

and they seek to take advantage. I need assistance, awareness, lest they again harm me as they have before. I've suffered ten years of this and one visit to a psych ward due to a combination of these items. I need help to end it favorably. As dual-diagnosis, what resources are available to me against such things? This is what I mean. I've suffered a decade due to personal inability to help myself out.

[napoleon_in_rags]

11. Unfortunately the system is broken too.

It sounds to me like you may be in that all important middle space where people fall through the cracks. You strike me as the type of person who could contribute so much with just a bit of support. But times are tough, thats not a brush- off its the truth. Im thumb typing this on2 my phone, because my Internet got shut off. Budget cuts cuts into paycheck, (im mental health worker) more to come I fear in march. Very little support for any but most severely afflicted now.

I hate typing with thumbs. But at this point I think its worth contemplating peer to peer support services , and even private sector solutions for people who could be big achievers with guidance and supports. But as far as your immediate situation, im afraid I dont have any great advice without knowing more details on where you are and exactly whats going on.