A manic mood right now

[retrowire]

I still haven't taken my meds.

I just ran outside and tried to climb a tree to no avail. Almost hurt myself. Now I'm inside again feeling erratic. Just dropped to the floor and did 5 push ups. COUNT EM, 5 PUSH UPS.

Thought it would be productive to write out my thoughts right now but they're too fast to write them all so I'll write the process.

I have urges telling me to do things (like run outside and climb a tree) and then an urge that says, "you won't do that, that's weird. It's 9pm" and the other urge is constantly, "OH YEAH? I'll do whatever I want!" and thus I run outside to climb a tree or drop to the floor to do push ups out of nowhere.

I'm going to the kitchen now, the water is boiling.

[steve2470]

1. please take your meds

[Tobin S.]

3. Right-o, Steve-o.

Mania might feel good for a little while, but it will get you into trouble. I felt so good in my manic episodes that I would entertain the idea that I might be a god. It's a very serious problem.

Take those meds, retrowire.

[LiberalArkie]

2. Take your meds and before they are kicking in, clean the house and wash the dog. That is what I do

when the manic kicks in. Time to get the house work done, exercise done, burn some cals.

[HereSince1628]

4. I don't understand. You are claiming impulsiveness

seeming to embrace it, even while recognizing it's a symptom.

When my ex was manic, she never acknowledged it as a symptom. Indeed, mania was a state she desired.

She complained her meds prevented her from experiencing the confidence it gave her.

Why do you think you hold out the possibility that impulsiveness is a symptom?

[retrowire]

5. what's wrong with being self aware? nt

[HereSince1628]

6. Absolutely nothing, and that is what is surprising to me n/t

[retrowire]

7. how is it surprising?

everybody is different really.

[HereSince1628]

8. Yes, there must be room for everyone to be unique

and yet, the nature of a dx is that there is similarity. Such is human existence, trying to square one experience with the expectations of many others deemed similar.

Only slowly, I came to grasp how it could be that the desire to experience mania overwhelmed my ex's interest, and awareness that taking medication removed the feelings that she actually had come to desire and need.

Medication wasn't an aid, it was the enemy, the thing that took away what she saw as an enhanced state of existance that she enjoyed.

So I have difficulty understanding.,,you see your state as symptomatic, are aware that medication could help with the symptoms, but reject the medication. It's a curious place between "not quite here" and "not quite there".

[retrowire]

9. ohhh

Well, the difference is, I'm not actively avoiding the meds. I just keep forgetting to take them.

And while I'm self aware of the mania, I'm not exactly enjoying it. It's frightening for me because I know that my symptoms of randomness aren't very healthy for me. I could have hurt myself trying to climb the tree for instance and the action was pointless.

Plus, I'm only one trigger away from the mania taking a dark turn. In which case, obvious bad things happen.

I don't really enjoy my mania unless I'm productive, last night, I was manic but NOT productive, just reckless. And that's no good.

[steve2470]

10. with all due respect....

I am forgetful also, and I have forgetten to take my meds too occasionally. That's why my meds are in a place where they are now very difficult to forget. They are on the bathroom counter right next to the water faucet and my orthodontic retainer. Now I don't forget them.

Maybe you could devise a similar system ? I'm NOT scolding you or lecturing you, only trying to be helpful.