Roughly 10 yrs ago, 35 yrs of running away from my past caught up with me
And I haven't been able to move since.
So I had a shitty childhood ...abusive, 2 narcissistic parents who used me as a way to hurt each other and for their own sick amusement. Whenever I watch a documentary about the childhood of a serial killer, I can mentally tick off the home environment stuff and then wonder how the hell I made it.
My mental illness starting really blossoming in high school with self-harm, but up until then I had plenty of other red flags.
I did what lots of others do - I tried to become an over achiever...through high school, college and law school I took the maximum amount of credits, the hardest classes in addition to extra curricular activities, part time employment (that got me in trouble in law school), volunteering plus a slew of partying, skipping class (there was a sick thrill in showing up once a week and seeing if I could BS my way through), binge drinking, more self harm blackouts etc. I may have tried to over achieve, but my grades finally went to shit in law school. My personal relationships were chaos and self destructive. It was like if I kept moving, kept busy, nothing could stick to me ... I just had to keep building obstacles, walls, and keep running.
I met the man I would marry when I was in my last year of law school...and all that whirlwind of chaos: drinking, lying outlandish stories, harmful behavior - just stopped. He was like an instant calm. Not to say our first years were ok...hooo boy they were not. It wasn't until we had been together 3 yrs that I was diagnosed with depression and put on meds (that was in 2000 at age 28) that finally I was able to be a stable person.
Or so I thought...I replaced drinking and self harm with overeating (I now weigh over 400), and threw myself into advocacy work. I took on every case, gave 110% at least, working crazy hours, literally giving everything I had to anyone who asked. By 2007 I thought I was in my prime...director of my own program, in charge of interns, volunteers, grant writing, direct advocacy, speaking and educating all over the state. I easily worked 70-80 hrs a week. I loved it. It was killing me.
I was still running..trying to put as much between me and my childhood trauma as I could.
Then it all stopped hard. I was fired in Oct 2007 (my borderline personality disorder wasn't being treated and my moods were crazy. I was a great advocate to victims, great educator...horrible co-worker and employee because I just vented constantly - no boundaries). Then in August 2008 my grandpa died, Jan 2009 my husband and I had to make the decision to say goodbye to our eldest dog. That was devastating. A month later my grandma died (my grandparents were like parents to me...I was closer to them than my mom and dad so the loss of them just sucked the life out of me). 2010 I started a contract position I knew was going to be a bad decision (it was) but we needed the money and I needed to get back to work. And our other dog died. The job I had was a complete shit show and I spiraled deeper into depression. 2011 I finally found a therapist that I trusted and he has been doing his damnedest to help.
More shit happened after that ... we said goodbye to 2 more pets, my mom had major medical issues, my husband lost his job etc. But it was that kick off in Oct 2007 that started the reverse momentum. I could never get back in the race away from my past. I'd start and then another loss would knock me down.
And here I am...10 yrs later...no job since 2010, nearly agoraphobic, depressed, lost all interest in living. I have had my medications tinkered with but no good combination, my therapy visits are sporadic (only a few this year because shitty insurance), my husband of nearly 18 yrs still loves me and supports me (bless his heart).
I don't feel like me, haven't in so long. I still don't recognize this person who sleeps for days, who is afraid to leave the house, who can barely get one thing accomplished in a day. Compared to the me of my teens and early 30's, this is a stranger. I may have been self destructive and my life may have been chaotic...but at least I worked, I helped other people, I got out of the house, had a social life. But I feel like a physical weight has finally caught up with me and won't let go (there is a Japanese horror film that comes to mind).
How crazy is it to miss my most self destructive life...because at least I was feeling and doing things? I'm tapering off my meds..talked it over with my GP about trying to balance mood swings (off meds) with zombie like lethargy (on meds). It's a temporary solution until we get health insurance that will cover mental health visits. My health is going to shit...I barely leave the house and have become so sedentary that when I do go somewhere I am out of breath and over heated just walking from the car. I am so angry and frustrated ...so hardly to explain why my life just seems to have stopped.
Sorry this is so long, I'm just having one of those poor me moments. I just needed to write it out.
= new reply since forum marked as read
I love hugs 
Try to find as much peace as possible and small joys.
All ours are rescues and strays.
Bless the beasts. ....and children.
A light when things are dark 
Forgive me if this is a deeply dumb suggestion, but since you are an animal person, I'm wondering if you have a dog at the moment. Having to meet a dog's needs-- even just going outside with it a few times a day -- could mean taking a few steps that you aren't taking at the moment.
And all anyone can do is take one step at a time.
I'm glad to hear you have a supportive husband. Sending both of you positive thoughts and prayers.
My best wishes to you, now and in the future! You're always welcome here
tinkering isnt the same as searching bravely for the right combo. lethargy means they are not right for you. keep looking for one that works, and gives you more energy.
you are certainly not the first to replace booze, etc, w food. that can be just as disastrous as the booze. and again, this is the side effect of many psyche drugs and shows it is not one for you.
and not recognizing yourself? well, it is part of you, maybe as destructive as your earlier behavior. some of that is very valuable, but so is integrating your wounds and failings into your sense of yourself. natural to try to block it out, but self defeating in the long run.
fwiw, i didnt really come to grips w my relationship w my dad, an alcoholic, until i was in my 60's. it took a sort of accident that i ended up in a place where the good things he gave me were the stuff of my life. also took a recognition of my own failings to forgive him for his.
keep writing is my advice. post here if you like, or just keep it for yourself. but i think writing is one of the most powerful tools we naked apes have of coming to grips w ourselves.
also, i have to say, get a puppy.
honey. we are here.
I will never forget our nice visit Stay warm!
I am roughly the same. My condo only had minor damage and that must be repaired by the HOA.
I loved my visit to Chicago and will definitely come back, but in a cheap hotel way out in the burbs. I can't do the hostel thing, I need my privacy. Glad Biff is awesome, I'll always remember him as "Winston Churchill"
Feed me!
If it weren't for the furry ones in my life things would be so much worse.
I'm trying to figure out who I am ... I was raised to believe I was basically the most evil being ever (thanks mom) and finally realizing that hey...there are people that suck more than I do has been weird. It's taking me too long to come to that.
All I want to do is to help people...to take away their pain and help them to feel better. But I can't do that until I get better...yet I feel worthless if I can't help and selfish for taking so long to get better.
Hoping 2018 means better insurance (my husband is getting hired full time instead of as a contractor) so I can try a different medication regime.
Thanks for responding and the hug
not necessarily as a lawyer, maybe something simpler?
when my family blew apart i started volunteering w hospice. i got my bulldog certified as a therapy dog. it is pretty simple to take him around, and talk, and listen.
i volunteered on holidays, as nobody was around for me to spend them with. it really filled a screaming void. and it got me up and going when it would have felt better to curl into myself.
helping other people does do a lot for the feeling of being a not good person. but it isnt like having a job, where that feeling of obligation and often compromise can get heavy.
always available.
I was a psychotherapist (mental health counselor and marriage and family therapist) for 20 years. Like you, I also came from an emotionally deprived background.
Please don't give up on therapy. Sometimes the first therapist is not the right therapist, with all due respect to your therapist. Therapy is like finding the right shoe. Nothing wrong with other shoes, but they don't fit exactly right. Therapy is the same way.
I would also recommend doing as much research as you can on your diagnoses. An informed patient/client is an empowered client.
Keep trying, you CAN get better, you must believe that. I've been in therapy off and on for 43 freaking years (obviously a lot of off-time) and I'm not giving up.
It usually is. For me, certainly.
Except for a few cases (great hypnotic subject and great hypnotherapist, EMDR, etc) therapy takes months and years. The deeper and more painful the problem(s), the longer it takes.
Just keep plugging away. Stay in touch here for support. We can't really do therapy with you, but at least you'll be supported and maybe inspired a bit.
Last edited Mon Nov 27, 2017, 05:28 PM - Edit history (1)
You know how to do this, it's one step at a time! First, you need a long term goal. It's okay to dream big. You're just writing down a goal.
Step one is the first step. What would that be?. You've written about therapists and meds - but not so much about what you can do today. Perhaps today, it's walking to the front yard and back (yes, I know that's small - but that's how steps work . One at a time.
If not the front yard, how about the back yard? Sit down right now and develop a realistic first step.
Write it down and keep a log. Did you do your first step today? If so - congratulations. If not, well, take a deep breath and maybe figure out what stopped you. Then wake up the next day and start over.
So, my question to you is what's your goal - and what's the very first (small) step.
-j
