Widows/Widowers- please help me out.
I have two dear neighbors, a couple who have been very good to me.
The wife just came by to give me something, and informed me that her husband had passed a couple of weeks ago. He was ninty, but in quite good health.
I am shocked and sad. But I really want to do whatever I can to help the widow, as it is her great loss.
When your spouse passed, what did others do that was most helpful to you?
I greatly appreciate any advice you have. Thanks so much.
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my situation was different from many, as husband had been ill and we had been separated for some time.
I'll suggest things like 
Might sound silly, but the sensory experience is exceptionally cathartic!
Excellent idea!
I realized not all widows are Seniors.
Thanks for your advice.
Thanks for your help.
Art, sewing, whatever.
Helps to move her thinking to the present & future.
Now, perhaps for the first time in her life, it's all about her.
Also ask her what her favorite memories with hubby were. She might say watching tv after dinner, for instance, which gives you an idea of how to pick up some slack in her emotional life.
Think of it like a venn diagram. Try to figure out what roles he played in her life, then help her find ways to fill those voids.
Ask her what she needs.
I worked with a lot of elderly widows, most of whom were terrified because they had no idea how to balance their checkbook or pay a bill. They'd never had to do it!
Teach her to use computer so she can read online & surf the net. 😉
After she begins to heal, she might just realize this is a great opportunity to be herself -- to do what she wants, when she wants to.
Maybe she could hook up with her local senior center and/or the Red Hat Society, elderly ladies who have fun just being silly & enjoying life.
Ask her if she has kids to get a feel for her support structure.
Pls feel free to pm if I can help further.
Ty for helping her! With your friendship & support, her future might be the happiest & most dynamic of her life!
Loads of great ideas.
Meaningful holidays, anniversaries, bdays, etc. Will be hard for her.
But, as her friend, you can help!
Get to know her & plan a meaningful holiday (anniversary, etc.) Celebration that honors him & their marriage.
Set an extra place at the table for him in his honor.
The biggest issue survivors had was literally thinking they were going nuts because they sould still feel, see, smell or otherwise sense their departed loved one with them!
I'd ask, "where would you be if you'd departed? With your spouse, kids, etc? Or off in some other place?" Bovine stares, then huge smiles.
Sometimes, people just need permission to think independently.
One very religious woman gold me, "Well, the Bible doesn't talk about this."
I asked her if she'd ever been to the Field Museum (Chicago). She said he had.
I asked if shd saw the huge dinosaur skeletons. (You cannot miss them lol)
I got her to agree that they are real & had once lived on earth, then told her, "Well, the Bible doesn't talk about ghem either, does it?"
I swear she looked like the weight of the world had been lifted off her shoulders.
Her mil had lived with her during hospice care & after she died, this woman would hear the unique scrape, clomp sound of her walker, increasing in speed & intensity until the woman acknowledged her mil's continued presence. Then it would stop.
Hospice folks are full of such stories. Think outside the box & give her permission to just be her.
Another biggie is survivor's guilt. Thinking & feeling they could have done more, or should have known something they had no way to know.
Emphasize that she did the best she could for him with her resources & abilities.
Perhaps convince her to connect with a hospice for individual or group therapy. They are specially trained to help others deal with loss.
Some have widow support groups & groups are very powerful for healing. She might also meet new friends there to broaden her social support structure.
She is quite elderly & fearful of how she will accomplish the tasks of living while alone. Empower her with friendship & resources. 😉
It was very random. All of the food was good, but it was the thoughtfulness. People sent me cards, or little gifts, or texts or emails, or called. I'm ok with being alone, but many widows and widowers like having a meal, or spending some time with their friends or relatives. It might be difficult for her with the holidays coming up-first round is hard on all of the survivors.
If you visit with your neighbor, let her talk about her husband. Even now, after almost 6 years, it comforts me when I hear someone mention him, and if they don't mind me remembering him.
You are kind and thoughtful
