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Sat Dec 17, 2011, 01:12 PM

Cross posting for help.

I swear I'm usually not so needy, but I'm going through a really hard time. I just posted this in another group:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/115474

You have been so welcoming and wonderful. I just thought I would let you know what's going on and maybe someone has some good advice, specifically on preparing for Monday.

Thanks so much!

26 replies, 4158 views

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Arrow 26 replies Author Time Post
Reply Cross posting for help. (Original post)
rbnyc Dec 2011 OP
Lucinda Dec 2011 #1
rbnyc Dec 2011 #4
Kookaburra Dec 2011 #2
rbnyc Dec 2011 #3
OneGrassRoot Dec 2011 #5
rbnyc Dec 2011 #12
BlueIris Dec 2011 #6
rbnyc Dec 2011 #11
Flying Dream Blues Dec 2011 #7
rbnyc Dec 2011 #10
Flying Dream Blues Dec 2011 #21
MorningGlow Dec 2011 #8
rbnyc Dec 2011 #9
BlueToTheBone Dec 2011 #13
rbnyc Dec 2011 #15
Celebration Dec 2011 #14
rbnyc Dec 2011 #16
davsand Dec 2011 #17
Celebration Dec 2011 #18
rbnyc Dec 2011 #19
Kind of Blue Dec 2011 #20
japple Dec 2011 #22
Remember Me Dec 2011 #23
Mnemosyne Dec 2011 #25
Mnemosyne Dec 2011 #24
Matariki Dec 2011 #26

Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 01:27 PM

1. Sending you peace, and strength, and love

Multiple surgeries and health problems have flipped my weight between way too skeletal and way overweight, so I understand how you are feeling. I certainly have been there.

Your decision to be where you must gives you strength. You know what is important. My thoughts will be with you all. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you all to lose a friend so tragically, but you have each other. And now you have all of us too!





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Response to Lucinda (Reply #1)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 01:42 PM

4. Thank you Lucinda...

...the universe does tend to give us what we need.



Thanks for being part of that.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 01:28 PM

2. First, and most importantly, please accept my condolences on the loss of your friend.

What a horrible accident. I'm so sorry for your loss.

I understand your apprehension on seeing your friends after gaining a lot of weight. I went through something similar, and gained a lot of weight about 15 years ago. I was terrified to see old friends I hadn't seen since college because I was the athlete of the group. I was the 16% body fat, runner of the group, and had gained so much weight as to be unrecognizable. It was scary, but I sucked it up and just went anyway. I said something to one of the women about gaining so much weight, and you know what she said? "You look the same to me." Now, there is no way I looked the same (I was about 8 sizes larger and my face was so round you couldn't tell if i even had cheek bones), but she looked through that and saw her friend from college. I was still the same happy, upbeat personality, and that's what she saw.

It's pretty normal to feel weird about your body -- in fact, I'd be surprised if anyone in your group of college friends doesn't feel weird about his or her body -- regardless of size, but feel the weird and do it anyway (to paraphrase something someone once told me about fear). I'm guessing you're not giving these people enough credit for being true friends.

Like my mom always says: Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Sending you light and healing loving energy to get you through this time of grief.


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Response to Kookaburra (Reply #2)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 01:40 PM

3. I love you right now.

That was perfect. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I'm actually surprised at how much better I feel already - at least a lot more normal. Thank you.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 02:29 PM

5. Oh, rbnyc....



I am very sorry about the tragic and traumatic loss of your friend. I read about that earlier in the week; so very, very sad.

The wisdom others have shared in this thread and in the other really feels spot on. I, too, am sorry that on top of grieving your friend, you're feeling this undue stress (more cortisol..yikes!). I do understand it, though. I feel the same way, as I am not comfortable in my own body now. But, as others have said, likely your college friends feel the same way for various reasons.

Bottom line, who you really are is all that matters, and our human body suit has nothing to do with that.

I'll be thinking of you....

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Response to OneGrassRoot (Reply #5)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 11:42 PM

12. Thanks.

I am really feeling the support and it's helping me keep my balance a bit.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 02:55 PM

6. Terribly sorry about your friend.

Also, I really doubt any of your other friends are going to care so much about your appearance. That's not what friends do.

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Response to BlueIris (Reply #6)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 11:31 PM

11. Thank you.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 04:30 PM

7. I am so sorry for the loss of your friend.

What a terrible tragedy, and there are no words to help the sudden loss of someone you love. Being together with those who loved her will be comforting.

As far as your situation with weight, I have been through something similar and had to attend an event, and I'll say that my fears were unfounded. Everyone was nice and seemed not to notice or care. I love what Kookaburra said above:
Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter.

Please let us know how you're doing.



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Response to Flying Dream Blues (Reply #7)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 11:30 PM

10. Thank you...

...I bet you are right and I will be checking in on Monday night to tell you how good it was to see everyone.

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Response to rbnyc (Reply #10)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 04:48 PM

21. I'll look forward to your checking in with us.

You may also feel like you need a little support after such an emotional day. Sending good vibes for things to go as well as they can under the circumstances, and may you feel connected to the love for your friend and all the good memories you shared.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 05:27 PM

8. Oh, rbnyc



I totally know where you're coming from. Up till about a year or so ago, I was 60 lbs. heavier than when I was in college. For me it was an undiagnosed thyroid condition that started in my 30s. Because of the way I looked, I skipped all my college reunions, even the milestone ones, and I deeply regret it. Now that I'm on Facebook, I can see that my college and high school friends fared no better than I did--either we's fat or we's looking dang old!


As other ASAHers have pointed out, your friends won't mind what you look like. Plus you'll all be there to support one another as you mourn your friend. Can you imagine any one of your group being catty at a time like that? If you can, then that person isn't really your friend in the first place.

But even though that's the logical conclusion, it sure doesn't help when you have to find something flattering to wear or steel yourself to walk into a room for the first time. I sure know how that feels. Just take a deep breath, seek out your nearest and dearest, look them in the eye with your head held high. I'll bet you'll all be doing way too much hugging to think about what everyone is looking like now.

Also, definitely take note of what noamnety said in your other thread, about cortisol. It is a big influence on weight gain. And if you haven't been able to lose the weight you gaine during your pregnancy, you should have a full hormonal workup (thyroid, pituitary, etc.) to make sure everything's in order there. Pregnancy can send a woman's hormones off the rails permanently, until you get some medical help to straighten it back out. If you want more information, please PM me. I'll be happy to share whatever knowledge I have.

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Response to MorningGlow (Reply #8)

Sat Dec 17, 2011, 11:29 PM

9. My husband...

...took me out and bought me a new blouse and new shoes and I am coloring my roots.



I really do feel better after talking about it with everyone here.

I will PM you because I am interested. Also, I think I really do think cortisol is having an impact.

Is it possible to be less stressed?

Thanks you so much for sharing about your reunions. It's good to know that someone has been there and knows how you feel.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 12:11 AM

13. Geshe Dorje would say

Om Mani Padme Hum
over and over and over again.

This is all about the preceding moment and this prayer will help your friend find her way.


I'm sorry about your grief.

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Response to BlueToTheBone (Reply #13)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 12:36 AM

15. thank you

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 12:29 AM

14. Oh, gosh

That was just a horrible thing that happened. So very sorry you lost your friend. And your reaction about your weight sounds like how I might have reacted at one time. On the one hand, you are devastated by the loss of your friend, and you probably not only feel a little strange because of the weight gain, but also because it actually bothers you at this time of mourning. For some reason I am feeling that the funeral and seeing everyone will be healing for you, and may help set yourself onto a new path. I mean, it sounds like an emotional shock treatment of sorts. Do try getting your chakras in balance because your post has "third chakra" issues written all over it (been there, done that)!

I realize this doesn't help in the short term, but I saw this and thought I might try it for the twenty or so pounds I would like to lose.

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/45587821/ns/today-today_health/t/cutting-carbs-just-days-week-can-spur-weight-loss/#.Tu1rcdX4JVp

A study has shown that the most effective way to lose weight is to eat normally five days a week, and go low carb two days a week (they suggest Monday and Thursday). I just thought it was interesting.

I will certainly be sending you healing thoughts over these next few days.


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Response to Celebration (Reply #14)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 12:39 AM

16. Thank you.

I think I do have to learn more about chakra care for sure. That is seeming more and more clear.

Thanks for link to, and for understanding. I hope you are right about a new path.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 01:04 AM

17. I am sorry to hear about your loss.

I lost a very dear friend years ago--very unexpectedly. It was very difficult, and I miss her to this day. I will also tell you that during my grief, she came to me in dream and told me that it does not end when our physical body ends. She told me that she loved me, and that she wanted me to know it was ok--she was ok, and that she wanted me to have the gift of knowing that death is not an ending. I woke feeling the truth of what she'd said to me and my views on death have never been the same. Truly, it was a gift of love.

Took me years to tell anyone that story lest they think me some kinda moonbat...


Now, think on this: If a friend is capable of loving somebody like me that much--enough to give that kind of gift--don't ya think that the wonderful people you have known for so long probably will be ok with you--even if you feel less than thrilled with your current weight? I doubt they will love you any less, if you want my opinion. Our true friends love us in spite of ourselves, just as we accept them for who they are. Besides, it is a universal thing that as we get older everything either gets bigger, grayer, or makes a run for the equator. A TRUE girlfriend will look at you as the gift you are.


Blessings to you.




Laura

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Response to davsand (Reply #17)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 04:51 AM

18. Laura, something similar happened to me

A very dear friend died because of breast cancer, and she came to me just as I was awakening a few months later. I heard her voice, very very clearly. When I got up I felt both stunned and profoundly soothed. The message, though, wasn't quite as clear. It was only that everything would be all alright, or something similar. The sound of her voice was the soothing part. I never really got down the wording.

I was really profoundly changed after that also. For weeks I felt like nothing could harm me and that I was insulated from emotional pain of any kind. I wonder if she was trying to tell me about life after death? I don't know. I distinguish that from a dream because of the profound feeling that I got, and because of........that voice, clearly hers.




















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Response to davsand (Reply #17)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 09:57 AM

19. In college...

...a very close friend (lover) died and the night he died he came to me in a dream. He told me I was "addicted to love."

LOL

I'm actually serious. I think he was trying to say that I didn't need to use sex for approval=seeking and that it would hurt me if I didn't get it sorted out.

Thank you so much for your love and support.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 01:13 PM

20. I'm very sorry for your loss, rbnyc.

I'm been thinking of how to respond all day yesterday. I DVR'ed Dr. Wayne Dyer's latest on PBS yesterday as well. And Lo! I think he was talking directly to your OP. Within the first 20 minutes of watching this morning, I was like, she's got to watch this. I think it's re-running all day during their pledge drive.

If not, I will hit the points he made

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Sun Dec 18, 2011, 05:33 PM

22. Dear rbnyc, I am so sorry about the death (transition) of your friend. Please don't apologize for

being "needy," at least not to the folks on this forum.

RE: gaining weight You should not feel ashamed of your body's reaction to stress. I think that when we suffer a loss such as yours, we eat for comfort and to add additional weight to keep us grounded and surrounded, to protect us from being hurt. It's kind of like pulling the bed covers over us, to make us feel warm, safe, and protected. When we begin to feel safe again. we can take off that weight more easily.

I hope the memorial service for your friend was a chance for you and the rest of her friends to celebrate her life and the good times you had together.

Love & peace,
japple

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Mon Dec 19, 2011, 06:08 PM

23. Let me add my condolences as well

 

Shocking, and definitely traumatic. I'm so sorry.

Others have commented on stress/cortisol and weight gain, but there is far more to it than just that. I'll dig up some of my bookmarks, etc. and I think I'll start a whole thread on the subject, but in the meantime let me say this:

Your body knows what it's doing, how to heal itself. What it needs are the right inputs (the right foods -- and not a starvation diet) and a cessation or removal of the wrong things. What appears to be or has been labeled malfunctions or dysfunction (fever, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, weight gain, etc.) when seen from that perspective (paradigm) really isn't.

In short, your weight is NOT due to any personal failings or weaknesses, not even if you're an overeater -- and there are studies to support my statement. So you (and I, and anyone else who's overweight) can drop the self-blame, self-hatred, sense of humiliation, etc. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!

Sending love and blessings -- !

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Response to Remember Me (Reply #23)

Mon Dec 19, 2011, 11:30 PM

25. I second RM's advice. :hug:

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Mon Dec 19, 2011, 11:27 PM

24. I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your friend, rbnyc.

I hope you got to share some good stories, along with the grief, today at the service.

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Response to rbnyc (Original post)

Mon Dec 19, 2011, 11:57 PM

26. Oh sweetheart, your post made me cry.

You are not your weight. You are the same person your friends have always known and cared about. The real issue is not how you can (impossibly) lose weight by monday but how you can claim your confidence. I suggest, dress-up, be friendly, and even if you have to fake it, be confident. Trust that your friends like you for who you are.

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