Christians hijacked my atheist friend's memorial service. How can I keep that from happening to

[Nay]

me? Is there a good, unbreakable appendix I can put in my will? Anyone have a sample?

It was beyond disgusting, what happened. A 'neighbor' who happened to stop and help my friend one day (he had fallen in his yard) took it upon herself to visit him in the hospital and then the nursing homes he inevitably landed in, unbeknownst to any of his other friends (he was getting very forgetful at this point, and had never really recovered from the head wound he suffered in a fall). Although we all visited him in the nursing homes, he never spoke of these people.

At the memorial service (held in a funeral home, not a church), this woman stood up and told a long, tearjerky story about how our friend converted to Christianity a month before! Then, her preacher gets up and starts a 'prodigal son' sermon! Previously, many people stood up to tell stories about J, and mention that he was the founding member of two atheist organizations in town, etc., etc., but of course that meant nothing to the hijackers. When the preaching started, a good number of us got up and left.

I don't have any fundie relatives (J had NO relatives at all), but if I'm the last one left, how the hell do I keep this from happening at my service? I, of course, will be dead and won't give a shit, but I would HATE to think that anyone I know could be even marginally convinced that I made a deathbed conversion.

[HereSince1628]

1. Be dead and scattered 20 minutes before anyone notices?

[Nay]

2. LOL! Wish I could hope for that!

[Warpy]

3. All my friends know it would be total bullshit

no matter how demented I get by the end. Being an atheist is as much a part of my being as being human is. I can see a few of them grabbing the preacher and frogmarching him out of the funeral home.

[Nay]

4. Indeed, we knew it was total BS. We did get up and walk out in disgust, and we're planning a

party, probably complete with Hawaiian shirts and loud music, to give our friend a proper sendoff.

[Mr.Bill]

5. My advance directive specifically states

that no clergy is allowed in my room if I am terminally ill. Also no mention of Diety or religion is allowed at any memorial services.

[MineralMan]

6. The problem is that the will will probably not be read until after

whatever service takes place. Unless you have someone you can count on to look after the details, whoever shows up and is willing to pay gets to decide.

Establish a circle of friends and make your wishes known, along with letting any relatives know your wishes.

It's a shame that happened. I have strict instructions for my post-death business. I'll be cremated, and my ashes scattered in the Mississippi River, off one of the bridges that crosses it here in St. Paul. My wife knows, my friends know, and my relatives know. There will be no memorial service at all, but my friends are encouraged to have a party at some convenient times and tell stories about my many errors in life. It should be very amusing. I wish I could be there to hear it.

[Curmudgeoness]

7. MineralMan is right, the will is dealt with after the fact.

My two sisters are the only ones left and are atheists now, and as long as they are around, I know that my wishes will be kept. If I outlive them, I intend to prepay the disposal. I am torn right now between cremation and green burial, so I don't want to do anything yet...nor do I have to worry about it yet.

My mother had let all the friends and relatives know that she had already prepaid for her burial, and that she was to have no service, and was to be cremated and the ashes buried. Every person who knew her were aware of this, except a few who were not close...and they were pissed at us for doing it that way, with no showing or funeral.

I think that preplanning is the best option, even if I am not crazy about the idea....I don't trust anyone with my "prepayments". But what else is there to do????

[Nay]

8. You know, you're right. I knew that -- someone at the service mentioned that John's will was

going to be read next week -- TOO LATE. Hmmm. I guess I will also leave strict instructions for a cremation and whatnot. Thanks, everybody.

Mr Bill, good idea about putting it into my directive. I have one, and will add that to it immediately.

[gcomeau]

13. The will is read to other parties after the fact. However...

...your lawyer is entirely capable of knowing the details in advance and knowing if there are specific provisions related to your funeral services that you wish enforced.

[Curmudgeoness]

16. But how will the lawyer know about your passing

before funeral arrangements are made? I have been through this more than I want to, and the first thing you do when someone dies is to make arrangements. At that time, if your family chooses to, an obituary is put in the paper. I suppose that at this point, the lawyer could know that you have passed away...but it is too late to change the funeral arrangements by then. I know that we did not go to the lawyer or get the will out until after everything was done.

So unless you have family who you trust to abide by your wishes, and have been told exactly what your wishes are, you have to deal with this yourself before the time comes.

[Phillip McCleod]

9. a living will?

that stipulates that proselytizers will be ejected from any memorial or funerary services conducted in your name?

also in the living will: that a big sign should be posted somewhere visible that says, "there is no god. give it up, i'm dead already!"

[cynatnite]

10. Funerals are for the living...not the dead...

They did this to show off for their christian friends and make themselves feel better. They wanted to legitimize their own bullshit beliefs as well.

If I wanted to protect my funeral from turning into some nutjob revival service as this one did, I would ask a trusted friend to read an explicit letter to those attending my funeral that I continued to be an atheist up to the end of my life. It would be made clear to all who attend and their bullshit assertions would not change a thing.

That's how I would handle it if I gave a damn about how those who are left behind conduct themselves on my behalf.

[Nay]

11. Thank you, that's a good idea about leaving a letter to be read. In my friend's case, he had no

relatives to oversee his memorial service, but in my case I hope to have a relative who will shut down any bullshit at whatever service I have. If I'm the last one standing (jeez, I hope not, I've got a kid and a grandkid), I want to make sure everyone knows I sure haven't fallen for all that god shit in my final senile moments. It just makes me fume to think how these ghouls infiltrated themselves.

[BillStein]

12. You might want to make your own funeral plans

My funeral is planned and paid for. The funeral director has my instructions, and I can trust him to follow them.

And BTW, fundamentalist Jews can be just as bad as christians....

[pink-o]

14. My Atheist mother joined the Neptune Society

They take care of all the funeral, burial or cremation, and any affiliation (or lack thereof) you might have

Mom was cremated, scattered in a rose garden and then feted with a party at our house. Neptune Society was great

[Curmudgeoness]

17. My two uncles also have arrangements with the Neptune Society.

One has already died, and the other one is still hanging in there. They were very glad to have found the Neptune Society, and the one still alive was pleased with how they handled everything for the one who passed away. I had not thought of this before for myself or as a suggestion to the OP. Good call.

[Mariana]

15. You don't have to have any memorial service

religious or otherwise. My parents have made it well known that they don't want any such thing. They've arranged to be cremated and poured into the Gulf of Mexico (they call it, the Bake and Shake plan), with no viewing and visitation, and no memorial service of any kind. Family and/or friends may, of course, get together on their own to mark the occasion, but any such gathering will be strictly "unofficial".

[Arugula Latte]

20. Bake and Shake ...

[didact]

18. You'll be dead, you won't care - believe me.

nfm

[Taverner]

19. Put a provision that anyone saying "god" or "jesus" joins you in the grave

[Jokerman]

21. My dad specified in his "Living Will" that no religious service or public prayers would be allowed.

We put his ashes on display one afternoon at the American Legion hall that he spent a lot of time in and let his friends and family pay their respects.

We also asked that instead of flowers a donation be made to the Legion. I was told that the money they received went to pay the dues of several older members who could no longer afford them.

The other option would be to pre-arrange. That ensures that your wishes are honored and takes the burden off of your loved ones.

My SO's grandfather despised organized religion but one of her cousins "saved" him on his death bed long after any mental faculties remained and then commandeered the funeral, turning it into a farce to anyone who knew him.

[brooklynite]

22. Sorry, but I don't understand the issue...

Your friend either "coverted" (rationally or emotionally) or at the very least gave the neighbor permission to speak at his funeral, or he did not. If he gave them permission (unlikely as it is to assume) then they had the right to speak. If he DID NOT, then it was highly inappropriate but not "ILLEGAL" except in the sense of potentially disturbing the peace. However, since you didn't challenge the comments (other than by leaving), nobody, including apparently whomever was responsible for organizing the service complained.

You certainly should have the right to the type of memorial that YOU want, and should make sure whomever will be planning it understands what that is. But ultimately, if nobody is going to hold the attendees to that standard, no legal provision in the world will prevent it from being hijacked.

[Prometheus_unbound]

23. Garibaldi added this to his will

"Since in the last moments of life the priest, taking advantage of the exhausted state of the dying and the confusion that often happens, implementing every vile trick, in which he’s master, propagates with fraud, that the deceased repented of his past beliefs and performed his duties as a Christian;
As a result I declare, that, possessing my full reason now, I will not accept in any time the evil, hateful and despicable ministry of a priest, whom I consider an atrocious enemy of humanity in general and my country in particular. And that I believe that only in a state of insanity or very deep ignorance can a man commend himself to a descendant of Torquemada."

Granted, it may require some changes.