Any thoughts on how to keep it civil?

[murielm99]

I am surprised more funerals don't devolve into brawls.

Tomorrow night, I have to have dinner with some members of my husband's family. His brother, and maybe his wife, too. They cut us off years ago. We have almost nothing to do with them. Once in awhile, I see my BIL at the local convenience store. It is never pleasant, and I have tried to share stories and anecdotes with him. I end up insulting him, because he starts it. My other SIL will be there. She lives overseas. My husband has not seen is sister in fourteen years, so I don't begrudge him. I must do this.

I think the only reason they are bothering is that they just found out about my son-in-law's death. They just want information. They don't really give a damn. My wonderful, talented, successful, caring children have always been treated like red-headed stepchildren by that side of the family. I could tell you stories!

Anyway, they probably found out about Tom's death because someone read it in the paper and told them. Tom died in March.

I will have to be nice. I am outspoken, but I have had no use for these people for years. They have hurt my husband over and over. I must be polite! Help!

I know this is related to Tom's death. Maybe they are reaching out. I just don't know.

[KMOD]

1. try to give them the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard, I know.

But a door opens sometimes when you thought it was closed.

Death, especially a young, unexpected death, usually shakes everyone to the core. It open eyes. It opens perspective.

[uppityperson]

2. "Thank you for caring about him, we can't talk about it, but thank you for

caring". It is direct, civil, if they care it is nice to acknowledge their thoughts and if they don't care, sarcastic.

[murielm99]

3. Thank you. n/t

I will reread these before I go out tomorrow.

[DeadLetterOffice]

4. Take your cue from your husband, since they're his family

When he's had enough, you get to have had enough too. If he keeps his cool, you gotta grin and bear it.

Meanwhile, every time you want to smack someone, crunch an ice cube. Your teeth may hurt by the end of the event, but your knuckles won't.

Also, it may help to remember that if you haven't seen these people in years, you probably won't have to again for even more years. One night? You got this.

[No Vested Interest]

5. Someone in husband's family made the decision to reach out.

Maybe you don't yet know who that is, but that person will be there.

It will be good for husband to see and be with his sister, whom he may not have the opportunity to be with for many years after this get-together.
Family does matter, even though family members are all different.

Put on a vague smile, and keep lips zipped except for niceties.
You can do it.

[murielm99]

6. Thanks to you and everyone else.

My youngest daughter, 31, emailed me and said, "When you find out what they really want, let me know."

I was very noncommittal and nonjudgemental in my email to her, but that was her conclusion.

I am sorry we all have to be so cynical about family.

[No Vested Interest]

7. Family is Family. Not a lot choice in the matter.

My personal feeling is - try to keep it as civil as possible.
Not much to be gained making others, especially the innocent, uncomfortable,

And then there's fewer words to have to eat or regret in the future.

Hope it went well and that you enjoyed your dinner.

[murielm99]

8. We are leaving in about thirty minutes.

I worry too much about everything.

[No Vested Interest]

9. Enjoy.

And laugh about it later.

[murielm99]

10. If I speak to anyone on DU about it,

it will be via p.m. I left feeling okay. My SIL came up to us later, and made us feel like villains. They were given so much more, materially and in terms of love and attention. She made me feel small, and that is not right. Maybe some of that is due to my own family's dysfunction, maybe not.

I will speak to my adult children first.

it was okay, until she came up after dinner, outside, and started assigning blame.

[mahina]

11. My son coached me on how to converse with my long estranged uber winger uncle.

So, tell me about your boat?

What kind of boat is it?

Etc.

Not that I give a rats about his dang boat. But I got through a visit with my auntie, whom I love, without taking any of his many baits.

My biggie was to learn to let his baiting statements land with a silent thud, even when addressed directly to me as a question.

Do you race it?

Good luck!

[47of74]

12. I'd be like are you going to invite us out for a day out on the river/lake/etc on it?

Along with I'd like to see this boat for myself.

Of course after my dad's boat misadventures no one in my family is particularly anxious to buy a boat now.

[mahina]

13. Not I!

More time with him, especially when I can't get away, would not be a good plan.

What happened with you Dad?

[47of74]

14. He bought this used houseboat.

It turned out to be a giant money pit. Mom was not too happy when he got it. He put a lot of work into it but it still barely stayed afloat even after he tried to fix it up. He eventually was able to sell it off.

[mahina]

15. That reminds me of the definition of a boat

shared with me a while back...a hole in the water where you put money. But fun!

[47of74]

16. Yeah that's about it.