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Fri May 4, 2018, 01:48 AM

Not sure where to post this ... my mom just died.


I wasn't able to get there to be with her in the end. I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life...

When I was sick & suffering she was always there for me.

In the end, when she was sick & suffering, I wasn't there for her.

#Regret

That's about all I can say right now ...

42 replies, 5206 views

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Reply Not sure where to post this ... my mom just died. (Original post)
CaptainTruth May 2018 OP
PoindexterOglethorpe May 2018 #1
lunasun May 2018 #2
question everything May 2018 #3
yonder May 2018 #4
shenmue May 2018 #5
sinkingfeeling May 2018 #6
raven mad May 2018 #7
irisblue May 2018 #8
denbot May 2018 #9
peacebuzzard May 2018 #10
radical noodle May 2018 #11
calimary May 2018 #12
Frustratedlady May 2018 #23
KT2000 May 2018 #13
benld74 May 2018 #14
chillfactor May 2018 #15
catbyte May 2018 #16
gristy May 2018 #17
applegrove May 2018 #18
flor-de-jasmim May 2018 #19
orleans May 2018 #20
area51 May 2018 #21
RestoreAmerica2020 May 2018 #22
thbobby May 2018 #24
DFW May 2018 #25
Mike Rows His Boat May 2018 #26
Hekate May 2018 #27
Heartstrings May 2018 #28
Rhiannon12866 May 2018 #29
GreenPartyVoter May 2018 #30
MFM008 May 2018 #31
pnwmom May 2018 #32
Guilded Lilly May 2018 #33
duforsure May 2018 #34
Sherman A1 May 2018 #35
handmade34 May 2018 #36
snowybirdie May 2018 #37
MuseRider May 2018 #38
lunamagica May 2018 #39
LakeArenal May 2018 #40
coeur_de_lion May 2018 #41
RandomAccess May 2018 #42

Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 01:56 AM

1. I might know what you are going through.

I was not there when my mother died. She'd been in and out of hospital for about three months.

I can say this, that as a mom myself, I'd never hold against my son for not being there.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 01:58 AM

2. Condolences and no matter what happens ,it seems there's usually some form of guilt comes with loss

You loved each other and may the good memories carry you through right now.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:16 AM

3. My deepest condolences

And if I may offer - the last too days should not be the ones etched in your mind. Your whole life, cherished memories should be there. This is how we remember our loved ones growing up sharing our lives with them.

I hope that as time goes by, that these, vivid memories of happy time with her will be the stronger ones.

But, it will take time. Do take your time to bereave.


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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:31 AM

4. Sorry for your loss, CT

When my dad took a turn for the worse, my plan was to dash home, fetch my wife and return. I was 600 some miles away when I got the call. The thing is, nobody can know for sure when that time will come nor can allowances always be made. Condolences and peace to yourself and your family.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:35 AM

5. I am so sorry

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:43 AM

6. Condolences to you and your family.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:54 AM

7. My heart hurts for you. And I'm sure she knows you were there in spirit if not in body.

Condolences, CaptainTruth.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 02:55 AM

8. I am so sorry for your great great loss

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:08 AM

9. My condolences.

I know the same kind of pain.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:09 AM

10. So sorry,

My deepest condolences.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:09 AM

11. I'm so sorry

I wish I had some comforting words, but I've never found anything that makes it easier for those left behind.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:16 AM

12. Oh man...

Last edited Fri May 4, 2018, 06:20 PM - Edit history (2)

You take me back to 2006, the night my mom died. Once we got back from the hospital where she'd already made the jump to lightspeed before I could get there, I found myself the only one in the house who was still awake. So I came here and posted about it. Just a crazy little political chat room, this is. But it seemed like a good idea and I wanted just to put it on the record.

It turned out to be such a consoling, reassuring, and comforting experience - I wasn't prepared for it. A few moments after I posted, a reply came. Then another. Then another. Then another few. Then more. And on it went, all night long, as people here weighed in, reaching out to express sympathy, and empathy, to sit up with me, to keep me company. I was BEYOND touched. The bond that built for me, with this place, that night, I will carry with me til my own end-of-the-line.

Seems to me, at a time like this, you could use a reminder that you're not alone, CaptainTruth, and that you don't mourn alone. So let this thread be that. DU will buoy you up. Many pairs of strong broad shoulders are here to offer you something supportive to lean on. As DUer Skittles put it: "someone's always here." I still can't completely wrap my brain around how much that meant to me. AND still does. Just know it's there for you, too.

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Response to calimary (Reply #12)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:48 AM

23. Beautifully written.

My condolences to you and your family for your loss. As someone said, hold onto the good memories and they will get you through the grieving period. I truly believe our loved ones aren't far away when they pass.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:19 AM

13. I am so sorry for you

there is some good advice for you on this thread.
What I have seen is that when people are dying, they are half here and half somewhere else. I don't know what the somewhere else is but it seems to be a non-physical state where they are surrounded by the ones they love in life. In that way, you were with her and I am sure it brought her peace. Be kind to yourself like I am sure she would want.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:19 AM

14. Condolences

Very difficult time

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:22 AM

15. I am so sorry for your loss...

my sister and I did not make it back home before our mother died. We drove like crazy but ever made it on time so I understand what you are going through....my prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.....Bless you!

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:23 AM

16. I'm so very sorry. Please accept my deepest condolences.

Again, I'm so sorry.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:27 AM

17. I'm so sorry Captain

My heartfelt condolences to you.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:29 AM

18. So sorry. Vibes to you and your whole family tonight.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:31 AM

19. My deepest condolences. One thing that helped me ...

... was to write down as many good memories that I had of my parents, individually or together. I started it while both my parents were alive, because I live in Europe, and after my father passed away even more memories came to the fore, so I went back and inserted them in chronological order.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:32 AM

20. i'm sorry you're going through this

i'm sorry you lost your mom



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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:34 AM

21. I'm so sorry. n/t

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:36 AM

22. So sorry for your loss. Paz.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:50 AM

24. So sorry

I am an only son and was the only one taking care of my mom during her last year. I did everything I could, but still feel a strange sense of guilt about... I do not know what. But I do not mean to make this about me.

Guilt is sneaky. Remember what you could and did do. Remember good times. Do not beat yourself up over what you could not do. Some things are so overwhelming that we let guilt be part of the misery we feel. I doubt any words can help you, but remember to love yourself and cherish the good times.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 03:55 AM

25. Happened to me, too

My brother called from the States to say she had had a stroke and would be gone by the time I got on a plane. So I didn't.

Some things you just gotta live with. Time heals it over, but you never forget, take it from one who has been there.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:05 AM

26. Very sorry for your loss.

 

All the best to you.


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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:15 AM

27. I'm so very sorry for your loss...

I missed being with my Mom too. I got on the first train I could and headed out with a "stupid phone" that I had been given the wrong charger for. I didn't know she died while I was travelling until I got there because the phone was not on. I couldn't call back home from the motel my brother dumped me at because the stupid phone was dead.

It's a horrible feeling -- and it is not your fault any more than it was mine. Yes, you will live with it -- until, someday, you find the wound healing over. You find you forgive yourself, and your Mom for leaving you, and your brother (or whoever) for behaving badly in grief.

Try to be gentle with yourself.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:17 AM

28. So sorry....

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:22 AM

29. Oh boy - I am so terribly sorry

I also lost my mother - and she wasn't sick, it was a sudden unanticipated accident. But I was also on DU at the time and I have to say that the kindness and support I found here certainly helped. It was tough to go through and you'll find that DUers will be there for you, too. Don't beat yourself up, your mother wouldn't have wanted that. Your mother knew how much you love her, I promise.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:23 AM

30. I am so sorry! I have regrets about my parents, too, but in time I have

made peace with them because I know they would have wanted me to.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:45 AM

31. So sorry

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 04:59 AM

32. As a mom I can tell you this: just be the human being you know

she would want you to be. That you, in your heart, want you to be. You can live the rest of your life as an expression of the love you felt from her.

That would mean more to your mother than anything.







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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 05:16 AM

33. Reaching out to you with white light and gentle, but solid support. Be kind to yourself.

One of the realities of human existence is that when the physical plane creates a painful, finite separation, the infinite spirit moves in to heal you.

It is powerful and comforting if you allow it to wrap around you. Please allow it

Peace and calm

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 05:30 AM

34. So sorry for your loss,

A number of years ago I was also in that position as I was miles away and my mother was ill and couldn't get there in time.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 06:05 AM

35. My Condolences

I too was not able to be there at the end, fortunately I had been able to visit just a month or so prior to her passing and it was a good visit and that is how I will be able to remember her.

Look for the good memories and keep them with you. Don't beat yourself up for not having been there at her passing, there likely was nothing you could have done in any event.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 06:10 AM

36. mom's know

think of the love when she was alive

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 07:32 AM

37. So very sorry

But don't beat yourself up about not being there. Instead cherish your good memories. Perhaps somehow, she didn't want you there at the end? It happens a lot.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 09:03 AM

38. So sorry you lost your mom.

I can almost say for certain that your Mom knows and it is ok. She would never want you to live with a moment of guilt. She would wrap her arms around you and tell you it was ok, not to worry. I've been a mom for 34 years now. I would never want my boys to carry that kind of guilt.

Again, I am so sorry. Let peace rule in your life, especially now.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 09:05 AM

39. Im so sorry for your loss. I'm sure your mom wouldn't want you to beat yourself up

over not being there. Just remember the good times.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 11:18 AM

40. Once someone passes they know everything

Momís know especially. Love is love. Your love was there. The physical presence isnít as important as your spiritual presence.

She knows. ❣️

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 05:31 PM

41. Your Mom knew you loved her

I wasn't able to make it in time when my Mom died either.

You can't blame yourself for circumstances beyond your control.

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Response to CaptainTruth (Original post)

Fri May 4, 2018, 08:58 PM

42. I'm very sorry for your loss, and offer my warmest condolences.

 

But please, please don't do this to yourself. I promise you your mother wouldn't want you to live with that layer of guilt over your grief. She would want you to go on living your life to your fullest extent.

For all you know, she might have preferred you NOT be there -- it's said that people choose when to die, whether to have the loved ones with them or not. So many stories of "she died soon after I left her room," or "he waited til we were all there to die."

She loves you and knows you loved her. That's all you need to remember -- other than your fond memories, of course.

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