On ‘sex-positivity’ and misunderstandings

[redqueen]

Last edited Fri Jun 8, 2012, 09:56 AM - Edit history (1)

http://www.feminisms.org/3765/on-sex-positivity-and-misunderstandings/

...

When we look at the arguments made in response to feminist critics, it becomes very clear, to me, who is ‘not getting it’. As I mentioned earlier, those who use the language of ‘sex-positivity’ tend to talk a lot about feminists ‘shaming’ or ‘judging’ their sexualities, which immediately frames the debate in individual terms, isolated from any greater ideology or impact. But in terms of your individual, private, sex life, is it really fair to say that, for example, pornography is something that is individual and private? Or would it be fair to say that pornography is a cultural, social phenomenon that exists as it does today within a particular framework of domination, subordination, sexism, and violence?

...

I’ve written about this issue of ‘choice’ as insta-feminism before, and the argument is not that women are stupid and brainwashed, but rather that the way we act, look, and behave exist within a context of patriarchy and is always influenced by the context of our surroundings. To pretend that the choices you make somehow exist inside a bubble of your own making is either disingenuous or delusional. The fact that this context exists does not make those who have learned from that context ‘disgusting’ or products of “Borg assimilation,” it makes us human beings who live here in the now. And it makes the patriarchy powerful. So, let’s recap: women aren’t stupid, patriarchy is an insidious asshole. The more aware of this we are, the better equipped we are to challenge it.

...

Critiquing things like high heels, body hair removal, heterosexual sex as we’ve defined it in this culture is not the same as “judging women by their sexuality,” because, you know what? High heels have absolutely nothing to do with your sexuality. They are shoes. Which have been fetishized. Primarily because they restrict women’s ability to move and make them appear more fuckable and less mobile (which, of course, also makes them appear more fuckable).

...

The point is not: ‘sex is bad’ or ‘women who like sex are bad’ or even ‘women who like to feel attractive to men are bad’ – the point is that the way in which we think we should have sex/be sexy/exist as human beings is very much a construct of living in a violent and inequitable culture, which is all very much a part of the way in which we understand ‘sex’ and ‘sexiness’ and even humanity.

[MadrasT]

1. I wish I could rec this 100 times. Thanks, rq. n/t

[seabeyond]

2. more: We don’t get to just be human beings. our bodies exist for men

I don’t engage in these practices as feminist or as revolutionary acts, because they are not, but rather, as something that I do on occasion as part of my life as a heterosexual woman living in this world. I am not dedicated to these practices to the point that I would defend them, but they happen, in my life, it’s true. Do I think I am disgusting? Not so much. Do I also believe that women shouldn’t have to shave their legs or give blow jobs in order to be viewed as ‘normal’ or ‘acceptable’ women? Yep. Do I think that the fact that women are expected to pretend that they don’t have any body hair in order to be viewed as real women who aren’t disgusting (and I’d like to point out that, if we actually look at who it is that thinks women or women’s bodies are disgusting, I think it’s safe to say that it isn’t feminists) is something that exists because of patriarchy? Yep. Do I think women should be obligated to give blow jobs to men in heterosexual relationships in order to maintain their relationship? No. Fuck no. But I don’t think that women who have sex with men, wear high heels, shave their legs, or flirt are disgusting. I think they exist within the constructs of a heterosexist culture and I think we learn behaviour. It’s hard to unlearn that behaviour.

I wore heels every day for years. Now I tend to avoid them. Because heels are painful and ridiculous and because I like walking places and I also like my ankles and knees and back. I don’t hate myself for wearing heels or think that I was ‘disgusting’. I think that, at the time, I felt like I had to wear heels in order to appear attractive. That’s how this all works! Women learn that in order to count, they have to be sexually appealing to men.

*

All of this leads up to the key point for Pervocracy, which is that: “it’s impossible for women to be accepted as human beings if we aren’t accepted as sexual beings.” Well, the problem is, of course, that women, in our society are often only viewed as sexual beings. Not whole beings, but things we use for sexual pleasure. Things that specifically exist as sexual objects. To have sex with. Or fantasize about having sex with. We don’t get to just be human beings. Because we have breasts. And therefore we must be gawked at or yelled at or harassed. Because our bodies exist for men. That’s why they’re there. How could we not be sexualized?? We have female body parts! And female body parts, as we’ve learned from porn, are too be looked at or ejaculated on to. The problem here is that, in our society, we don’t get to choose. We don’t get to choose whether we are looked at or objectified or sexualized. It happens to us whether or not we shave, or wear high heels, or give blow jobs. That is the problem. So it’s not that, as Pervocracy claims, “women’s dignity is contingent on our not being too sexy,” it’s that women don’t get to choose dignity. Because men always have the power to view us and treat us as sexual objects. Regardless of how “dignified” we are or we think we are.

Wouldn’t it be great if women could “be sexual and also other things.” Wouldn’t it be wonderful if everything we did didn’t have to be sexualized. How is it that, somehow, jobs that are typically viewed as positions occupied by women, such as teachers, nurses, and secretaries, have been turned into porny fetishes and sexy halloween costumes? How is it that, in order to have a ‘healthy’ (hetero)sexual relationship there must be PIV and blow jobs? Why is it that breast-feeding in public is an issue? Women feeding babies?? WITH THEIR BOOBS?? But breasts are only for men to masturbate to! *mind explodes*

[redqueen]

3. The part about breastfeeding... it's so annoying when people fail to identify the root cause...

the attempts to blame it on puritanism or prudery... Nonsense, it is the fact that in the P, boobs are for men's entertainment first and foremost. If women's bodies weren't so pornified there would be nothing shocking about it at all. But people point the finger at religious people and influence, either missing the fact that its the P causing it, or in an attempt to pretend that the P doesn't even exist. Which is scary, really, considering the way the war on women has been gaining so much momentum.

[seabeyond]

4. it is bullshit. my 70 yr old father and i were discussing. 60's into 80's br feeding was normal

no one made a big deal about it. it happened anywhere, anytime. i can remember running up on women that were breast feeding, when i was little. watch them feed a minute and then ask them what i wanted, and run off again. my father was telling me the same, about his time.

it is today, with the breast being FOR the man, that we have rejected ANYONE seeing a woman feed.

agreed

and you cannot get past the people with fact, because they are so obsessed with puritan culture. and puritcan culture that has women and even girls pornified and hypersexualized EVERYWHERE. where is this fuckin puritan culture they talk about.

[BlueIris]

5. That's how feeding is done in my beloved Oregon.

It is not at all uncommon for women to feed their babies in restaurants, coffee places (yes, even Starbucks) grocery stores, soccer fields, etc. Nobody really cares. I wish I could make clone our culture for every state.

[seabeyond]

6. mmmm

i also saw the parade of gals without shirts. and the boys climbing poles to video and put on the net. if nudity was not an issue, then it would not have been presented in that manner, either. the film i saw skipped lots of girls and focused on a certain girl.

another our day, was when we wanted to skinny dip and being in calif and hot springs, we did it often. everyone stripped. wasnt the guys standing around clothed jumpy on their tippy toes adn clapping hands chanting boobies and the girls strippin for them.

nudity. just nudity.

EDIT... i LOVE oregon. and i have my eye on that state to move out of texas. i dont know if i can get hubbby past colorado. but i am shooting for oregon.

[ismnotwasm]

7. Oh I love this

Thank you