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Gender: Male
Hometown: America's Finest City
Current location: District 50
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 9,796

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Infuriated after Senator Elizabeth Warren read a scathing letter from 1986 about Jeff Sessions by Coretta Scott King, Donald Trump vowed on Wednesday to secure an endorsement for Sessions from Frederick Douglass.

“I know Frederick Douglass will write a great letter, much better than that bad letter Coretta Scott King wrote,” Trump said. “I said really nice things about Frederick Douglass last week, so I’m sure he will do this for me.”

Visibly angered by the King letter, Trump contrasted the “great job Douglass has done” with the “terrible, very bad job that Coretta Scott King has done.”

“I don’t know who this Coretta King person is, but she should stay away from writing letters because she has zero talent for it,” Trump said.


Controversial Puppy Bowl Star Shits During National Anthem

NEW YORK—Eliciting a loud mix of boos and applause from the stands, Puppy Bowl star Mabel, a 1-year-old Jack Russell Terrier, controversially chose to shit Sunday during the game’s national anthem.

“For countless fans, Mabel’s actions will be a source of outrage and disgust, but perhaps just as many will see this as a powerful statement requiring a tremendous amount of courage,” said play-by-play announcer Scott Graham minutes after the star puppy quietly walked in circles while sniffing the ground before stopping to drop her hind legs and shit as the anthem reverberated throughout the stadium.

“This was a truly bold move that will draw a lot of criticism. What Mabel did today will certainly have folks talking on Monday.”

The incident comes one year after Mabel was fined five chew toys for wearing a neon-colored, non-Animal-Planet-approved collar during Puppy Bowl XII.


NRA urges Lady Gaga to avoid anti-Trump tirade in Super Bowl halftime show

Lady Gaga has already made history with her Super Bowl halftime performance, even though it won’t happen until early Sunday evening at the midway point between the Atlanta Falcons/New England Patriots’ NFL championship game in Houston.

She is the first halftime show performer to receive an admonition from the National Rifle Association about what she should — or, rather, should not — do during her Super Bowl performance.

Speaking on NRA TV, conservative political commentator Bill Whittle strongly implored Gaga to leave any political statements out of her 13-minute Sunday performance at Houston’s NRG Stadium.

Whittle began by taking a shot at the NFL for picking Gaga just a year after Beyoncé fueled criticism from conservative corners for her 2016 Super Bowl halftime show performance. It featured the live debut of her overtly political song “Formation,” which found her and her dancers wearing quasi-military outfits inspired by the Black Panthers.


If President Trump wants to help American businesses, he should start by legalizing marijuana

Election Day 2016 awarded mixed fortunes for proponents of marijuana legalization. Pot measures passed in eight states, including California, bringing the number of states with access to some form of legal marijuana to 28. But the glee subsided as it became clear Donald Trump would be president, and fear set in that the progress gained for legalization during President Obama’s eight years would be rolled back.

These fears quickly mounted when Trump tapped Sen. Jeff Sessions to be his attorney general, an outspoken drug reform opponent who, in the 1980s, famously joked about the Ku Klux Klan — “I thought those guys were OK until I learned they smoked pot.” During his confirmation hearings, Sessions didn’t rule out reinstating federal enforcement on the national marijuana ban, departing from the Obama administration’s position of staying out of states’ business.

Trump doesn’t seem to have a problem differing with his cabinet appointees on a variety of issues, and marijuana may be no different. It’s understood he nominated Sessions because they share a tough immigration stance, not necessarily Sessions’ views on drugs. Trump himself has been all over the board on pot, expressing support for medical marijuana but also concerns about Colorado, where it’s recreationally legal. He generally seems to favor leaving it up to the states to decide.

Sure, it’s hard to picture Trump as marijuana’s champion. Unlike the last three presidents, Trump claims he’s never toked. He doesn’t drink, he orders his steak well-done and it’s unlikely anyone will ever pass a blunt to the self-described germaphobe.


Putting Scott Pruitt in charge of the EPA risks irreversible damage to the planet

As Oklahoma’s attorney general, Scott Pruitt has spent the last six years suing the federal Environmental Protection Agency over the extent of its authority, particularly its efforts to regulate the oil and gas industry and restrict coal-fired power plants. These industries belch out the greenhouse gases that contribute to global warming, yet Pruitt has led or been part of 14 lawsuits (most of them in concert with industry) challenging rules that limit them or otherwise protect the nation’s air and water.

It’s hardly news that some public officials are shills or apologists for powerful polluting industries. But to select someone with a record like Pruitt’s to lead the EPA is mind-boggling, offensive and deeply worrisome. The Senate Environment and Public Works Committee approved the appointment Thursday despite a boycott by Democratic members, but the full Senate should say no.

Yes, Trump won the election, and as president, he’s entitled to appoint people who reflect his political views. But when the president’s policies and appointees pose such a fundamental threat to the nation, even a Senate controlled by his fellow Republicans — whose first loyalty should be to the people of the United States — must put the nation’s best interests ahead of party loyalty.

Pruitt shares Trump’s ignorant skepticism about the global threat from climate change. Like Trump, Pruitt disbelieves the scientific consensus that human actions play a significant role in heating up the planet and that a crisis looms. That alone disqualifies him from running an agency charged with protecting the environment — because if there is any single issue that poses an urgent threat to the planet in the century ahead, it is climate change.


In Avocado Country, Mexicans Not Afraid of Trump Tariff Threats

Avocado farmers in the rolling hillsides of Mexico's Michoacan state are not worried for now by U.S. President Donald Trump's threats to tear up a trade deal which could make the favorite snack of Super Bowl viewers more expensive.

Americans will chomp through huge amounts of avocados mashed into guacamole during the Super Bowl on Sunday, and 80 percent of those fruits will come from Mexico's ever-larger expanse of orchards, thanks to a free market created by the North American Free Trade Agreement in 1994.

It is peak season for guacamole, a word that means avocado sauce in Mexico's native Nahuatl language. Some 100,000 tons of the green fruit, or 12 percent of annual U.S. demand, will be consumed on Sunday and in the days before and after the New England Patriots game against the Atlanta Falcons, exporters say.

With such market dominance and demand, growers like Adrian Iturbide doubt Trump's eagerness to impose duties on Mexican goods will dent exports. They feel they have little to fear from proposals by the Republican such as a 20 percent blanket tariff on U.S. imports from Mexico, that would affect sales of "green gold" to the northern neighbor.


Donald Trump is about to be the reason we can't have nice things

Since the end of World War II, the US has gone from being a nation of canned beans and thousands of creamed vegetable recipes to being a country of fresh fruits and vegetables all year long.

These are nice things, and because of President Donald Trump, we may very well be about to have them taken away.

According to Dolia Estevez, a journalist based in Washington, DC, Trump was incredibly nasty to Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto on a recent phone call. "I don't need the Mexicans. I don't need Mexico," Trump reportedly told the Mexican president. "We are going to build the wall and you all are going to pay for it, like it or not."

That's really, really not true. It's also all very, very bad.



WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a spate of annoying telephone pranks that has lasted nearly two weeks, heads of state from around the world have been receiving crank calls from someone claiming to be the President of the United States, the United Nations reported on Thursday.

According to the U.N. Secretary-General António Guterres, who has fielded complaints about the crank calls, the caller has tormented leaders from Mexico, Australia, and many other countries.

“The pattern is always the same,” Gutteres said. “The caller is identified as the President of the United States, so naturally he is put right through. Once he is connected with the head of state, he begins to speak in a threatening and harassing manner.”

“Then, as his threats reach a crescendo, he hangs up,” Gutteres said. “Clearly, it’s someone’s idea of a sick joke.”


Case-Shiller: Housing market now officially, completely recovered

Home prices increased in November, making the argument the housing market recovered completely from the housing crisis.

According to the latest data released Tuesday by S&P Dow Jones Indices and CoreLogic, the S&P CoreLogic Case-Shiller U.S. National Home Price NSA Index, which covers all nine U.S. census divisions, increased 5.6% annually, up from 5.5% from the previous month.

The 10-City composite increased by 4.5% from November 2015, up from 4.3% in October. Similarly, the 20-City Composite increased 5.3% year-over-year, up from 5.1% the month before.

“With the S&P CoreLogic Case-Shiller National Home Price Index rising at about 5.5% annual rate over the last two-and-a-half years and having reached a new all-time high recently, one can argue that housing has recovered from the boom-bust cycle that began a dozen years ago,” said David Blitzer, S&P Dow Jones Indices managing director and chairman of the Index Committee. “The recovery has been supported by a few economic factors: low interest rates, falling unemployment, and consistent gains in per-capita disposable personal income.”


The surprising link between air pollution and Alzheimers disease

With environmental regulations expected to come under heavy fire from the Trump administration, new research offers powerful evidence of a link between air pollution and dementia risk.

For older women, breathing air that is heavily polluted by vehicle exhaust and other sources of fine particulates nearly doubles the likelihood of developing dementia, finds a study published Tuesday. And the cognitive effects of air pollution are dramatically more pronounced in women who carry a genetic variant, known as APOE-e4, which puts them at higher risk for developing Alzheimer’s disease.

In a nationwide study that tracked the cognitive health of women between the ages of 65 and 79 for 10 years, those who had the APOE-e4 variant were nearly three times more likely to develop dementia if they were exposed to high levels of air pollution than APOE-e4 carriers who were not.

Among carriers of that gene, older women exposed to heavy air pollution were close to four times likelier than those who breathed mostly clean air to develop “global cognitive decline” — a measurable loss of memory and reasoning skills short of dementia.

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