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Gender: Male
Hometown: America's Finest City
Current location: District 48
Member since: 2001
Number of posts: 15,235

Journal Archives

Nation Not Sure How Many Ex-Trump Staffers It Can Safely Reabsorb

WASHINGTON—Noting that the resignation of Anthony Scaramucci as White House communications director marked the ouster of the third top administration official in less than two weeks, a worried populace told reporters Monday that it was unsure how many former Trump staffers it could safely reabsorb.

“Jesus, we can’t just take back these assholes all at once—we need time to process one before we get the next,” said 53-year-old Gregory Birch of Naperville, IL, echoing the concerns of 323 million Americans in also noting that the country was only now truly beginning to reintegrate former national security advisor Michael Flynn.

“This is just not sustainable. I’d say we can handle maybe one or two more former members of Trump’s inner circle over the remainder of the year, but that’s it. This country has its limits.”

At press time, the American populace was wearily hoping it had even 48 hours before it had to figure out how to take back Attorney General Jeff Sessions.

UPDATE: The U.S. populace confirmed that they could not handle all of these pieces of shit trying to rejoin society at once.



I've always found this song to be very touching. I think you might, too.

Idea Of Doing Nothing Until Next Mass Shooting Quickly Gaining Traction In Congress

WASHINGTON—In the wake of the Stoneman Douglas High School shooting that left 17 dead and 14 injured, sources confirmed Wednesday that the idea of doing absolutely nothing until the next mass shooting is gaining considerable traction in Congress.

“After the recent tragedies, lawmakers have shown a great deal of interest in a proposal that’s been circulating to sit back and do jack shit until the next entirely preventable massacre goes down on U.S. soil,” sources said of the legislators’ plan to twiddle their thumbs while the next unhinged lunatic effortlessly purchases an AR-15 before firing it indiscriminately in what could be either a crowded mall, a movie theater, an airport, or even another school.

“As soon as the Parkland shooting happened, party leaders banded together, declared ‘Enough is enough,’ and immediately began formulating a way to talk out of their asses via their social media accounts while doing nothing to create, strengthen, or better enforce basic gun laws.

This measure to squander their unique opportunity to pass legislation that puts an end to the maddening cycle of gun violence is very popular right now, and will likely continue to be championed until the next group of innocent men, women, and children are brutally slaughtered.” Sources added that the plan has a high chance of surviving, as it has the full support of the NRA.


'Pharma Bro' asks judge for leniency, saying he was a fool

Source: AP

"Pharma Bro" Martin Shkreli admitted that he was "very far from blameless" in a letter to a judge asking for leniency, according to court filings.

"I was wrong, I was a fool. I should have known better," Shkreli wrote in his letter to Brooklyn federal court Judge Kiyo Matsumoto.

"I accept the fact that I made serious mistakes, but I still believe that I am a good person with much potential," Shkreli said.

The brash former pharmaceuticals company CEO was convicted in August of cheating investors in two failed hedge funds. He remains in jail and faces up to 20 years in prison when he is sentenced March 9.

Read more: https://www.yahoo.com/finance/news/pharma-bro-asks-judge-leniency-saying-fool-014259513--finance.html

Boo hoo hoo. Poor little asshole snowflake.

Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.

Sarah Huckabee Sanders Organizing Million Liars March to Support Hope Hicks

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—The White House press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, said on Wednesday that she was organizing a “Million Liars March” to support her co-worker Hope Hicks.

Calling on “American liars from every walk of life” to march, Sanders said that she had already received commitments from hundreds of liars in the White House, the Cabinet, and Congress. “These people realize what’s at stake,” she said. “It’s not just Hope Hicks’s career—it’s the lying life style itself.”

“White lies like Hope’s were the lies of a promising beginner,” she said. “If Hope had been allowed to grow as liar, I have no doubt that someday she could have been as consistent a dispenser of ginormous whoppers as I am.” She said that, if Hope Hicks is villainized, “where will the next generation of liars come from?”

Sanders said that the Million Liars March would address other issues of importance to the nation’s liars, such as a ban on lie detectors and a mandatory waiting period before statements can be fact-checked. At the end of her announcement, Sanders appeared to choke back tears as she swore loyalty to her embattled colleague. “I believe in the mendacity of Hope,” she said.


Couldn't figure out what this commercial was promoting

until the very end.

It's weirdly cool.

Trump Hides Under Desk After Diet Coke Can Opens Loudly

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a moment of high drama at the White House on Tuesday morning, Donald J. Trump dove under his desk after a can of Diet Coke opened with an unexpectedly loud sound.

Moments earlier, Trump had pressed a button on his desk, summoning Vice-President Mike Pence to the Oval Office to serve him the frosty beverage. According to one aide, when Pence opened the can, it made “an unusually loud noise,” sending Trump ducking under his desk in a millisecond.

At a news conference, minutes later, the press secretary, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, attempted to tamp down speculation that Trump had acted in a cowardly manner during the Diet Coke incident. “The President prudently repositioned himself under his desk in an aggressive crouch,” she said. “He was ready for anything.”

Pence agreed with her assessment. “The President was putting himself in a position where, if need be, he could defend the entire country against an attack,” he said. “I, for one, am honored to serve a man of such valor.”

The White House physician, Ronny Jackson, also had high praise for Trump. “He has the ability to flee a loud noise of a man half his age,” the doctor said.


The stupidity of Trumpcare: Government will spend $33 billion more to cover 8.9 million fewer

Those fiscal geniuses in the White House and Republican-controlled Congress have managed to do the impossible: Their sabotage of the Affordable Care Act will lead to 6.4 million fewer Americans with health insurance, while the federal bill for coverage rises by some $33 billion per year.

Also, by the way, premiums in the individual market will rise by an average of more than 18%.

Heck of a job.

These figures come from the Urban Institute, which on Monday released the first estimate of the impact of two GOP initiatives. The first is the elimination of the individual mandate, which is an offshoot of the GOP tax-cut measure signed by President Trump in December. The measure reduced the penalty for not carrying insurance to zero as of next Jan. 1.


Trump Orders Parade to Celebrate His Hypothetical Act of Heroism in Florida School

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Shortly after he declared that he would have run into a Florida high school unarmed to thwart a mass shooting, Donald J. Trump announced that he was planning a parade in Washington, D.C., to celebrate his hypothetical act of heroism.

“Anyone can act with bravery in the moment,” Trump told reporters in the White House. “But it takes a very special kind of hero to tell people about the incredibly brave thing he would have done weeks after the thing happened.”

He added that it was one of his greatest regrets that bone spurs prevented him from serving in the Vietnam War, “because the really courageous things I would have done during that war would have been off the charts.” “As soon as the Tet Offensive happened, I would have run unarmed right into that mess,” he said. “We probably would have won the war right after I did that.”

Trump said that the parade he was ordering would honor not only him but all of America’s “last responders.” According to a new poll, Trump’s assertion that he would have run into the Florida high school unarmed was believed by his daughter Ivanka.


Chaos in the Utah GOP! Hardliners adopt rule change that could kick Mitt Romney out of the party

You may have thought the internal workings of the Utah Republican Party were really screwed up before.

But now get this: If former U.S. GOP presidential nominee Mitt Romney continues gathering signatures as part of his U.S. Senate run this year, he may well be kicked out of the Utah Republican Party via a bylaw change adopted Saturday over the objections of party chairman Rob Anderson.

And that’s not all.

After a “special” meeting of the party’s Central Committee Saturday, Rob Anderson says CC members new bylaw bifurcates the allowed candidate-to-ballot routes, one set of rules for U.S. House districts 1st and 2nd, and another set of rules for House districts 3rd and 4th.

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