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Mountain Mule

Profile Information

Gender: Do not display
Hometown: Colorado Springs
Home country: Colorado
Current location: the Four Corners
Member since: Thu Dec 1, 2016, 01:27 PM
Number of posts: 968

About Me

A survivor of the Great Election Day Hack Attack, so this is not my first ride at the DU rodeo. Given the events of the past year, I have resigned my US citizenship and I await notification about my request for asylum in the Navajo Nation about 20 miles south of my current location. My current country is the bright blue state of Colorado. I have dedicated myself to the destruction of the current oligarchy under which the US is now governed. Direct Democracy is true Democracy!

Journal Archives

Colorado town becomes the first in the Nation to place a bounty on witches!

And now for a little humor on your Sunday afternoon...

Cortez, Colorado: According to a press release issued on Friday by the Montezuma County Board of Commissioners, locals may now apply for a witch-hunting permit that is valid anywhere in the county. Permits cost $25.00 each and the county will pay a bounty of $500.00 for every verified kill. Bounty hunters must submit a broom, hat, and a magic wand from each deceased witch in order to collect the check.

Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an official from the Montezuma County Sheriff’s Department further clarified that in the event a NRA inspired sharpshooter inadvertently brings down an Amazon drone, she will not face prosecution. The official went on to clarify:

“Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is the Spawn of the Devil. Our president* has explained to the nation that Amazon has been taking advantage of the US Postal Service and the Taxpayer for years now. If one of Amazon’s free loading drones goes MIA, no one here in Trump country will shed a single tear.”

When asked what prompted local officials to implement the bounty, County Commissioner, Alferd Packer explained:

“Seems like every morning when we tune in the local agricultural show, there’s yet another mention concerning the president’s* complaints about witches and witch hunts. It’s bad enough out here that we have to contend with varmints like coyotes and prairie dogs, but witches?

As patriotic Americans and loyal rural Trump voters, we decided to stand up and support our president*. As everyone knows, the president* and his staff are stretched pretty thin these days what with draining the swamp, tearing babies from the arms of their mothers, starting a global trade war, and making speeches extolling the virtues of Vladimir Putin.

This is the perfect opportunity for our farmers and ranchers to step in, get out their semi-automatics, and aim for the sky! To be honest, before we hit on the witch-hunting thing, farmers in rural Colorado were getting a tad discouraged. Not only have we been dealing with the worst drought in 30 years, Canada has imposed a 60% tariff on pinto beans – our main crop – in retaliation for the new US tariff on Canadian dairy products, as well as steel and aluminum. The witch bounty will help many a local farmer or rancher pay off their property liens and keep their tractors. Take THAT, Canada!”

In addition, the local Chamber of Commerce is quite upbeat, predicting that the witch bounty will bring in sportsmen and tourists from all over the United States and beyond. The permit fee for non-Colorado residents is $2,000 and 47 such permits have been sold already. Montezuma County plans to use the funds from the sale of witch hunting permits to create a hemp and recreational marijuana crop growing program which will encourage local farmers to switch from growing the highly volatile pinto bean and put in a few thousand acres of Maui Wowie instead. “We plan to keep the entire Front Range from Fort Collins to Pueblo stoned out of their minds. Ain’t no tariffs on that!” Mr. Packard exclaimed.

Posted by Mountain Mule | Sun Jun 10, 2018, 01:22 PM (4 replies)
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