I didn't know this week would have this effect on me. Can anyone relate?

I was at an industry conference yesterday so missed seeing any of the testimony live; nevertheless, I’m finding that today I’m trying to process why I feel traumatized. Please bear with me as I try to articulate how I feel.

Earlier this week, my brother and I were arguing over Dr. Ford’s accusations and I told him, “You don’t understand. I KNOW this guy (figuratively, not literally)”. Seeing Kavanaugh rage and throw tantrums yesterday while he was being questioned only confirmed it: I KNOW this guy (again, figuratively, not literally) and I have been trying to overcome him my whole life.

Yesterday, suddenly, the memories all came flooding back: the boys in kindergarten who frequently cornered me and pulled my pants down, the old man down the street who starting exposing himself to me when I was 9 years old and who once shoved several pages ripped from Hustler magazine into my little hands, the man who was trying to touch me while staring at my chest when I was 13, the boyfriend who threatened to rape me - it goes on and on and on. I have been followed, chased, shouted at, threatened with rape, dismemberment and murder, been hit, been cornered, been grabbed, been choked. The thing is, though, that I never thought I’d been affected by any of it. I thought none of it had left a mark on me. Until yesterday. Yesterday, the whole weight of my life fell on me.

I kept finding myself crying intermittently all day yesterday; last night I couldn’t sleep because I felt like I was suffocating. Today, I feel sick to my stomach and completely, utterly exhausted. It feels like I have spent all of my 48 years trying to live and succeed and raise a happy family while having all the Kavanaughs of the world around my neck trying to weigh me down, trying to make me fail, to make me give up, to make me shut up.

In one day, I’ve gone from a person who saw herself as untouchable to one who realizes she has been deeply damaged.

I don’t know what to do with this revelation, but I do know one thing: while my anger feels impotent, Kavanaugh’s does not. Kavanaugh’s rage has objective power in the real world. While I will use mine to protest and vote, as I always do, he will use his to re-shape the very laws of this country. My anger can only have power if it is multiplied by millions of others who have had enough, who refuse to carry their burdens and their silence and their shame and their trauma alone anymore. Come November, I hope we will all remember this week.

Thanks for listening.

ETA: I'm overwhelmed by the responses to this post and the kindness in them. Thank you all so much. To all those who have courageously posted of their own abuse: please know I hear you, I believe you and I stand with you. To those still struggling to come forward, I understand and hope you know I stand with you, too. Please stay strong, everyone, and be kind to yourselves!