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Not Heidi

Not Heidi's Journal
Not Heidi's Journal
October 20, 2023

Do you keep fish? I need help.

I have a new aquarium, my first in two years, and it's time for the first water change. Thing is, I don't remember how to do a water change.

I recently had four months of ECT (electro-convulsive therapy) and it robbed me of my memory. I've watched YouTube videos, but none was very thorough and none gave me any courage. I'm nervous.

I don't even remember how or when to use the chemicals for testing the water.

I know this might sound ridiculous, but it's true. It's embarrassing, but I really need the help.

If you know of any online encyclopedias of fishkeeping that give step-by-step water change instructions, I'd be grateful if you'd post a link. Thanks.

September 16, 2023

question about outdated (?) technology - seeking advice

I have a pedal computer control (don't know what it's called; it's for writing [word processing]) and a docking station. I want to get rid of them, but I don't want to throw them away if they can be used.

Can they be used? Is there a forum or something somewhere where I can list them, whether for sale or for free?

Any advice helps. Thanks!

September 13, 2023

Shallow and Superficial

This post will reveal to you how shallow and superficial I can be. (I used to have a button reading "shallow & superficial." I wish I still had it.)

At age 60, I hereby reveal that I am a huge fangirl (fancrone?). Of whose, you ask?

Of Tyne Daly, goddess of stage, screen, and television.

I have a minor beef: I want to know who decreed that Tyne Daly should wear a perm all through the last season of Cagney and Lacey (CBS, 1982 - 1988). During that series, she was so attractive in the ways they styled her short hair. In that final season, she wasn't unattractive, but that perm . . . ugh.

So there. Fancrone lives! Thank you for listening.

BTW, if you have any interest in watching the series, skip seasons One and Two. The series really came into its own (in my opinion) in season Three and took off from there.

Fancrone signing off.

August 14, 2023

Looks like I'm going into the psych hospital

I can't get a handle on my thoughts, can't organize them or explain to anyone what I'm feeling or why I can't participate in life like an average person.

I was hospitalized a couple of years ago, primarily to try to work out the trauma of having to take almost all of my pet cats to the humane society (we had many and were moving cross-country). I don't recall any work I did toward getting over that trauma - and it's not exorcized. So I guess I will be working on that again.

Mostly I need a safe place to let my feelings out. It's not safe here at home because they are too extreme. My sadness is impossible for anyone to understand - including myself. My depression is such that I can't understand it. I don't know how to deal with it.

All I have to do is talk to my psychiatrist and get her take. I know I could go check myself in, but I don't have the nerve for that.

July 31, 2023

A question for aquarium aficionados

If you've been reading my stuff lately, you know my mental health is ruling me in a most unpleasant way. I'll elaborate if you need to get caught up.

Before I began the ECT sessions earlier this year, I got a new aquarium. To my shame, I have not been able to keep up with taking care of it. I have three fish and no plants or decorations. Who knows what the existence of a captive fish is like, but when you don't even have any plants, well, I imagine sheer boredom & misery.

I'm asking if anyone knows of:

A service that will do all the upkeep of a small aquarium (20 gallons), including water changes, planting, etc.


Some kind of organization that will take my fish and find them a good home.

Weird? Maybe. But that's where I am these days.

Please let me know if you can think of anything that might help me. Thank you.

July 31, 2023

Pharmaceutical prices are out of control.

I know, I'm not telling you something you don't know.

Walgreens sent me a text to say one of my psych drugs is ready. Their site says it'll cost $99.60. That's ridiculous. I figure someone at the pharmacy forgot to run it through my insurance.

So I decided to go to the pharmacy tomorrow morning and talk to Leah, their most fantastic pharmacist (who doesn't mind clerical tasks). I know she'll get right on the phone to my insurance company and straighten it out, and I'll be able to leave Walgreens only $7.50 poorer.

Having made that decision, another thought occurred to me: in case the insurance company is intractable, I'll use Good Rx. (Good Rx is a website that somehow manages to affix reasonable prices to expensive meds.)

With Good Rx, my meds would cost $399.00.

If you heard someone screaming in Orange County, CA, at about 7:20 pm this evening, that was me.

July 28, 2023

What would you give (of whatever) if you could meet who (anyone)?

Me? I'd have my right little finger surgically removed if I could meet *sigh* Tyne Daly. She is a goddess. If you don't know who she is, ask.

Who do you want to meet? What would you give?

PS I'm not posting this question literally. This is fantasy.

July 20, 2023

ECT does not seem true to its promise. Damn this retrograde amnesia.


I started ECT on May 15. Two treatments remain: August 9 and September 6. I posted about this in the Lounge on June 21. https://www.democraticunderground.com/10181839933

I have been told by many mental health professionals that my depression will lift and my memory will return. If I had to give my verdict today, it would be one word: bullshit.

It's bad enough that I am experiencing no relief, not at any level, from my depression.

But the retrograde amnesia is killing me. There's not enough time on earth for me to list all that I've forgotten, but it ranges from little things (how to get somewhere I've driven to a thousand times) to astonishingly huge things. One of these was that I had to ask my best friend, whom I've known for nearly 30 years, and who lives a thousand miles away, if he attended my 60th birthday party. (He did, of course.)

But the thing that's laid me out flat this week is this: I could not remember how my mother died. I remembered when: December 10, 1974. But not how. So, knowing it could be a downer to get this "news," I asked my eldest sister to tell me. My mother took her own life. My sister gently reminded me of this, including describing an incident the night before mother's death - which, all things considered, I am absolutely shocked to have forgotten.


I must insert here that something good came from my mother's suicide: my lifelong vow that I will never take my life. I've been on this miserable road since 1986 and I have never contemplated suicide, thanks to my mother.

Many of my fellow DUers have been very supportive as I've been going along with ECT, and I can't express my gratitude adequately. Thank you all, and thank you for reading this post. Only now do I realize that this essay has been searing within me for days.

June 21, 2023

I flipped a coin, and the Lounge beat out Mental Health for this post

I first posted in Mental Health on May 14 about beginning ECT* treatments on the 15th for my severe depression.

I can't say that it's doing much for my depression, but it's murdering my memory. I have forgotten major things - like the fact that we have to move by the end of the year, something we learned at the end of last year. I was just reminded of that today. The new panic attack is finally waning.

I was also reminded today that last month I closed one of our bank accounts due to some fraudulent activity and opened another. Also today I went to the banking app to check balances and could not log in because I don't remember my password. Tomorrow I'll call the bank and get a new password - and write it down in my journal, which is getting a lot of use these last few weeks. I'm writing to try to remember things. It only helps a little. I go back to what I've written in my journal and don't remember writing much of it.

I'm not allowed to drive. That's very hard on me.

I learned a couple of days ago that my sister (our housemate) has taken over my bill-paying. Clearly I had been forgetting to pay bills but it didn't matter because she knew I would forget and planned on taking over. But she never said anything to me about it. My wife told me a couple of days ago. My sister is doing other things of mine, some I know of - and some I am guessing she's doing because I know they're getting done.

My wife keeps reassuring me that when the treatments end, my memories will return. I am not optimistic. And she assures me that when the treatments end and my memory returns, I can reassume my usual duties. Maybe I'll feel different at that time, but right now I'm extremely doubtful about that possibility.

I'm an intelligent, self-sufficient woman, but right now I have to say I WAS those things. I fear I won't be again.

Got any reassurance that can give a forgetful old dyke some hope?

* electro-convulsive therapy

May 21, 2023

I'm writing a volume of memoirs

. . . which I fully intend to publish. Thing is, I don't know the first steps toward getting published.

Do you know the steps? I'd appreciate some ideas or advice.

Thank you so much.

Profile Information

Name: K.J. Heidebrecht
Gender: Female
Hometown: Huntington Beach, CA
Home country: United States
Current location: Fountain Valley, CA
Member since: Wed Jun 19, 2019, 03:15 PM
Number of posts: 1,387

About Not Heidi

I am the former Bertha Venation. My Congressperson, Michelle Steel (R-CA-45), took money from MAGA harridan MTG. She will pay for it. (Please, please, make her pay for it.) The Angels do not play in Los Angeles, or even in Los Angeles County. They play in Anaheim, Orange County, California.
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